Breaking NC after 6 Years?

gcj07a · April 27, 2025, 02:24:56 PM

I've been NC with uBPM for nearly six years (for context, she physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me when I was a kid | I have C-PTSD as a result). As Mother's Day and my birthday (they are always close together) approaches, I have been giving sustained thought to breaking NC with her. But I am at a loss for the words that would explain this impulse. I truly don't expect anything from her. I know interacting with her will be deeply unpleasant for me. I have no intention of reentering a co-dependent relationship with her. But I find myself often imagining what she is doing and thinking, how she is getting along. I know she is deeply broken and wounded. I have grown very much in my sympathy for her. I truly do view her as a holistic person with an enormously complicated past. I don't feel like I owe her anything. But I am spending increasing amounts of time wondering how she is doing. Anyone experienced anything like this?

Adria · April 27, 2025, 04:51:06 PM

I have been NC for thirty years. I have always wondered about my family. I think that is only natural. I always worked through it somehow because I knew, for me, there was no going back.

However, if you are unable to work through your thoughts about your mother and want to break NC, then you can always see how it goes. Maybe the two of you could talk about her past and find some kind of relief from your pain or get some closure. I'm not sure what you are looking for. But, if you decide to break NC and you do not get what you are imagining you would like, then there is no problem with returning to NC again if you feel you need to.

These are very difficult situations with no easy solutions. The emotional rollercoaster that comes with all of this is can be excruciating at times. Maybe try imagining what it might feel like to break NC. Could you possibly get some closure? Also, try to understand how you may feel moving forward if you don't break NC. Will it be hard, but keep you more emotionally safe? Play different scenarios in your mind and then give yourself some time and space to play them out. Will breaking NC set you back? Ask yourself what you want to accomplish by trying to rewind the clock. Maybe ask yourself if you are sure you want to do this and understand that you are not doing this because you are going through an uncomfortable period right now because maybe something triggered you. Holidays are usually very triggering for people dealing with this. Just some thoughts before you jump in.

There is no way of knowing how this could go. Sometimes, there are no concrete answers on how to proceed. Maybe it is worth the risk. If it should go south, be patient with yourself and give yourself extra time to heal, knowing that at least you tried one more time. You can't fault yourself for that.

I sure do wish you the best with whatever you decide. Hugs, Adria

Tribe16 · April 28, 2025, 01:11:56 PM

Quote from: gcj07a on April 27, 2025, 02:24:56 PMI've been NC with uBPM for nearly six years (for context, she physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me when I was a kid | I have C-PTSD as a result). As Mother's Day and my birthday (they are always close together) approaches, I have been giving sustained thought to breaking NC with her. But I am at a loss for the words that would explain this impulse. I truly don't expect anything from her. I know interacting with her will be deeply unpleasant for me. I have no intention of reentering a co-dependent relationship with her. But I find myself often imagining what she is doing and thinking, how she is getting along. I know she is deeply broken and wounded. I have grown very much in my sympathy for her. I truly do view her as a holistic person with an enormously complicated past. I don't feel like I owe her anything. But I am spending increasing amounts of time wondering how she is doing. Anyone experienced anything like this?

Hi GCJ,

You and I have in common my birthday and mother's day in the same week - Happy almost birthday!

I don't have 6 years, just 5 months of No Contact and over a year of no phone calls and almost 2 years of no visits. My therapist and I have talked at length about how mother's day is a trigger for me. This will be the first year in my 60+ years of life that I will not be acknowledging it for Mom and I am stressed about it - however, I have decided to honor her in my heart by doing something for some other mothers. I'm not sure what that is yet, but there are some older ladies in my church and I'm sure I can come up with something. My therapist also told me that sometimes our kindness can be perceived as a weakness by a disordered person, and that we are better pouring our love into those who we can positively impact.

The question I would ask myself, and your questions might be different, but what would be the result right now if I recognized my mom on Mother's day? First, I would have to go to a higher-end gift shop that had cards that only said "Happy Mother's Day" without any gushy sentiment because those do not ring true for me. Then I would mail it to her, knowing she would not acknowledge it. Knowing she will not acknowledge my birthday that week. Then I would feel a bit downcast and it might affect the other good aspects of my life. So I decided the birthday gift I'm giving myself this year is permission not to acknowledge. If nothing else, I feel a little more empowered.

Maybe ask yourself, "What am I hoping to gain by reaching out on Mother's Day? What am I opening a door to, and do I want that door opened? What will realistically happen as a result of reaching out, and has my mother actually changed?"

Whatever you decide, I hope your decision brings you peace of mind.

gcj07a · April 29, 2025, 12:37:36 AM

Thank you both! Much food for thought. I will be talking all of this over in detail with my T next week. But I have plenty of mothers in my life to honor: my wife, my sister and her adopted children, my mother-in-law, my grandmother (Dad's mom), and my wife grandmother. I appreciate you all very much!

footprint33 · May 10, 2025, 03:09:05 PM

Hi gcj07a,

I was NC for 5 solid years and had been very VLC for 8 years before that when I decided to break NC. I haven't seen either parent in person since 2013 and live far away from them. I broke my 5 years of NC via email in 2021 after hearing that my NPD father was ill. It's a long story of all the things that went down for me between 2021-2024, but I've now been back to full NC with the whole family of origin for one year, and I don't expect that I'll ever contact them again.

Some of the things that happened between 2021-2024 were very triggering for me, and at one point I felt that I'd made a big mistake by breaking NC in 2021. They basically went back to the exact same pattern of mistreating me, and I also learned that they were smearing me behind my back in painful ways even though our communication was very limited. However, I think that I wouldn't change what I did by initiating contact again with my father in 2021 (which subsequently led to contact with my mother and one of my brothers, both of whom I suspect are also NPD or at least very toxic). It was a final stone that I felt needed to be turned over before I could move on and process the fact that my parents are elderly now and will be dying without us ever seeing each other again, and that my brothers have no real interest in rekindling a relationship with me. I was and always will be the family scapegoat.

Over the years, I've realized that there's no one right way to go with how we decide to interact with our family of origins after we've gone NC. Sometimes, we need to make contact again for something felt unfinished. As long as it's more for something we're processing along our journeys and not for the NPD parent, I think it could be positive in the long run.

footprint

gcj07a · May 10, 2025, 08:58:22 PM

Thanks footprint! I have opted out of breaking NC for now. Here is what I posted over in the mother's day thread:

"Mothers Day is tomorrow and my feelings are weirder than in previous years. For the last five mothers days (this will be my sixth since going NC), I've dealt with flashbacks and surges of anger and elevated SOT. But this time around, though on the struggle bus more than usual, I am surprisingly put together and calm. I've even been entertaining the possibility of reaching out to her. I went so far as to write a letter and to mull over what I would say. Then, for the first time in a long time, I read back through my journals and reaquianted myself with all that I went through. I had forgotten so much of the horror! In healing so much, in having properly integrated my traumatic memories, I forgot just who I was dealing with. I lapsed into a default assumption that my M is someone I should honor. But having been reminded of what I've been through, and having reminded myself that I can expect absolutely nothing good to come from interacting with her, I once again truly remembered why I put the NC in place to begin with. It wasn't because of the abuse I suffered as a child, but it was because there was absolutely nothing about her that had changed, that she continued to treat me poorly, and she was treating my children poorly as well. The NC wasn't punishment for a bad mother; it was self-defense. It isn't that my mother is a bad person and shouldn't be honored so much as it is the case that I, functionally, never had a mother. Even the sweet moments growing up are tainted with her manipulation. Instead of a mother, I had the opposite: not someone who gives, but who takes. Not someone who loves, but who demands love. Not someone who models healthy relationships, but who twists all relationships to the breaking point. She was no true mother to me, and acknowledging that fact is deeply freeing. As I told my T the other day, I have other mothers in my life I can honor: my wife, my dad's mother, my wife's mother, my wife's grandmother, and many friends who are mothers."

NarcKiddo · May 11, 2025, 07:45:19 AM

It sounds like you have made a wise and well-thought out decision. I wonder, perhaps, whether a child aspect of you would still like to have a mother. That is only natural. And I think that no matter how much one can parent oneself there is always going to be a slight yearning for what we never had. I also wonder whether this yearning is becoming evident because you have done so much work. So the inner child is trusting the adult to keep you safe. What seems to me to have happened here is that adult you is indeed capable of keeping you safe. You have gone through your journals and reminded yourself of why you made this decision. The outcome may not be what the inner child was hoping for, but it may be that desire is impossible anyway. By the sound of your mother, it is. I am sure you are going through all of this with your T - but I just want to say well done to you.

mary_poppins · May 30, 2025, 06:04:15 AM

Yes. I was no contact for 4 years and I experienced what you've experienced. Constantly thinking of them, seeing them in a better light. I also missed them because I knew I did not have a family (I'm not married) and althought they were horrible, they were still my family. I did end up breaking NC in 2020. It took me 5 years to go back to VLC/NC. I'm figuring out now how to cut them all off for good but after so much brainwashing and abuse, it's incredibly hard. I don't think it's worth the trauma that results from interacting with PDs to satisfy a feeling of longing for the parent(s) we never had.