Counseling nuggets

[1footouttadefog]

Many here have had therapy, religious counseling, life coaching, mentoring or other forms of outside counseling.  I was thinking it would be an interesting thread if some who have had these experiences  shared a gold nugget that they got from them.  Something that was said or a lesson learned or insight gained that was helpful.

[bloomie]

1footouttadefog - what a great idea! Thank you for starting this thread.

What comes to mind is something I learned recently - clarity, or discernment, goes beyond a gut feeling and when developed is the ability to see beyond the surface and see what's really going on. And when combined with emotional stability, this empowers me to avoid confusion, self doubt, fear, manipulation and the emotional chaos some people create.

Looking forward to the nuggets others share in this thread. 🌸

[moglow]

One of my favorites:
After listening to one of my diatribes about md and the sadness that is our relationship, a counselor asked me what would I say if a friend told me those things about their mother. Better yet, what if a friend was the one who did/said those things to me? My immediate gut response came out: "I sure wouldn't consider them a friend and would want nothing further to do with them!" She just sat there watching me for a minute, waiting for it to sink in what I'd just said. Her next comment: "Then why does your mother get a pass? Why is it somehow okay for her to treat you that way?" Mind blowing. All I had was "because she's my mother" and I realized that just wasn't enough anymore.

Peace be with you, friend.

[walking on broken glass]

I am sure I will be adding stuff here the more I progress with therapy but for now this stands out:

When you have difficulty making a decision about your PD person, ask yourself the following question: If I didn't care what anyone thought, said or did, what would I do?
In other words, try to remove/shrink the 'shoulding'.

[LemonLime]

Great thread!

My T helped me with verbiage for when PD Sib is going down the predictable road of trying to take the focus of criticism off of her and onto me.   Sib often likes to muse about how weird I am and why I may have come to be so weird.
T said to say "PD Sister, stop analyzing me".

Although I never had to say it to PD Sister, just having it at my fingertips helped so much.  Doesn't seem like rocket science, but....I'd never thought of it before.

T also helped me give myself permission to leave a conversation anytime and anywhere.  With no explanation.  And to leave the conversation BEFORE things got weird or ugly.   Great advice.  Something like "gotta go" works just fine.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I haven't been in therapy for a bit, but one of the things I use the most is the idea that it's okay to disappoint someone, or it's okay if someone is disappointed. And to even say, "I'm sorry to disappoint you," when saying no. It is not in fact my responsibility to make everyone perfectly happy at all times! Imagine that!

[SeaBreeze]

A few years ago, I did a guided meditation on self-care and self-love. The narrator guided the listener to envision someone you love very much and how strongly you love them. So I imagined one of my adult children who was struggling with some challenges at that time. The meditation then guided through picturing that loved one as 1. Happy, 2. Healthy, and 3. Safe, spending several minutes on each.

Then, the narrator said, "Now, imagine wanting happiness, healthiness, and safety...for yourself." My eyes flew open and I actually gasped out loud! It was the first time at nearly 50 years of age that I realized it was okay to want those things for ME. It was a life changing revelation for me, a pivotal moment that helped turn me toward the exit ramp out of my abusive marriage. I have continued embracing the concept in my post-PD journey.

[JustKeepTrying]

I did EMDR on all the trauma and when I finally spoke about the physical abuse and processed it, my therapist told me that she was my witness. That while there was no one else in the room and he would deny it, she witnessed it and believed me. I felt so validated and seen and just lifted up by that comment. I often look back and think how powerful it is to just take a moment and connect and see someone. In the small times and big events.

I love this thread and all these nuggets. Thank you for starting it!

[NarcKiddo]

Unpleasant emotions WILL pass.

[GoodPesto]

Psilocybin was my favourite therapist.

[Breadroll]

Finding the " 3 cs " in the toolbox here was a key moment of realization-had thought that I had caused the awful behaviour for years, twisting myself into knots trying to please.

Somewhere on the threads was the phrase " never wrestle with a pig- you will get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it"
It perfectly encapsulated what was going on- he actually enjoyed the game of misery and confusion, secrecy. It gave him a thrill.   That phrase makes me laugh more now, but it was so true. 
I still recall the first time seeing that " secret smile" whilst I was in distress- so confusing.
A huge thankyou to everyone who shares their wisdom here.

[MaxedOut]

I response to me talking about incidents, experiences, etc. with my ex I would usually talk about how challenging things have been for her lately, me trying to take care of stuff and manage situations, "context" for things, etc. One day she responded "What would you say about this if you weren't always trying to be strong?"

Caught me in my tracks and created space to really talk about how things FELT. That also cracked the door to talk about my ex's treatment of me and others more in terms of impact. And that helped me better shift from thinking about/from my ex's experience/filters to my own experiences.

[walking on broken glass]

My therapist recently told me that I am setting impossible, inhumane standards for myself and then chastise myself when I don't meet them. She said your stress levels will go down if you treat yourself with empathy and understanding.

[Call Me Cordelia]

True! But did she then teach you how to do that??? 

[Poison Ivy]

My therapist, who I saw when I was a teenager and then periodically had appointments with when I was married, got up from her chair, walked over to her bookshelf, pulled out a book (maybe DSM?), and read the description of "dependent personality disorder" when I was talking about my spouse. Brain-opening moment! 

[walking on broken glass]

True! But did she then teach you how to do that??? 

I hope I will find out at some point!!

[moglow]

My therapist, who I saw when I was a teenager and then periodically had appointments with when I was married, got up from her chair, walked over to her bookshelf, pulled out a book (maybe DSM?), and read the description of "dependent personality disorder" when I was talking about my spouse. Brain-opening moment! 

My first visit with my first therapist did that, only it was Stop Walking on Eggshells, as she said "your mother sounds like a borderline personality so I want you to read this and start this one and I can recommend ..." While it didn't hit all the buttons it did answer so many questions right off the bat for me.

[1footouttadefog]

A pivotal thing for me occured in a book study group.

I described to a couple of older female classmates afterward how I was frustrated because I was late to preserve choir rehearsal every week.  Something would become a major issue and would need to be taken care of right as we should have been leaving the house each week.  Even if I had reposted lunch the night before and had all clothes set out and ironed.  Something would come up, some sort of drama. 

Both women were like do you have two cars, of so drive separately. 

I was shocked.  I would have thought they would expect the family to all ride together and for us to have a united front in appearances etc.    I sort of backpedaled from the suggestion, well it takes extra gas blah blah.  They were like feed him hamburger instead of steak then. 

This set alot in motion for me.   

[practical]

Question by therapist: When do you feel most yourself?
Answer: When I garden, bake, am creative.
After I expanded on what I said, like why these things, she tells me: You didn't mention joy.

I'm stunned, joy? I had forgotten that this is something I'm allowed to have, to feel, is important to feeling myself, as a matter of fact I'm not sure I ever knew joy has anything to do with feeling myself.

Lots of pondering on my site, realising that joy, being myself got buried under the chaos, emotional abuse and functioning for uPD parents. Me being happy wasn't a concern of theirs, so I never really learned the connection for myself. Since that session I have been trying to rediscover what joy feels like, to discover what gives me joy and do the things that give me joy, make me feel myself. Often they are very small things, might seem silly to an outsider, but for me, they are joyful and connect me to myself.

There is a lot of energy in feeling joy, feeling yourself I have discovered 

[MaxedOut]

Love that, Practical. My nature has a pretty good streak of playfulness and joy. Moments of joy have come back pretty naturally but fun to realize - oh, joy! And playfulness some too but I need to have a little more intent there. It's also a thing culture sort of reflects as not adult, or ok in certain contexts (sports/sports fandom, playing with kids, bar/club going, dancing/karaoke, vacations).

Normalize grown ups being silly, joyful, playful whenever and wherever and however!