Why did I do this?!

[Catothecat]

Yesterday I was at the grocery and ran into a former coworker who's an absolute narc.  She was a pain in the ass to work with, troublesome and trouble making (because she thought she knew everything and wouldn't hesitate to tell you and the boss how much better she was than anyone around her, among her other narc traits) but since I retired I've seen her only a couple of times.  Every time I do see her, however, she's exactly the same except now she isn't in a position to negatively affect my life.  We're facebook "friends" going back to work days but I unfollowed her long ago so never see what she's up to and she stopped communicating with me directly awhile back. So naturally when I ran into her she was brimming over with her latest news, all of it coming in a rush, disjointed and even a little weird.  She started in with a monologue about not having friends these days and relying on her family but she was okay with that because she grew up moving around a lot and unable to keep any friends for very long etc. ad nauseum. 

Anyway, listening to her I actually started feeling sorry for her.  She seemed lost in some sort of vortex of her own thoughts and reality.  So naturally I did what I shouldn't have done and suggested we get together some time.  I tried to convey it in a type of "call me" manner but I don't know if she received it that way.  Probably not.  I don't want to renew a relationship with this woman, but I got the feeling she really needed someone to talk to that wasn't already a part of her echo chamber (i.e., her family).  Yet why I would think that I don't know.  She would never talk to me, rather at me, showing no interest in me or my life.  But at the moment my instinct to help her in some way kicked in and now I'm kicking myself for being weak.  I guess if she does contact me (I'm certainly not going to contact her) I'll get together with her because it was my idea, after all.  But now I'm kind of angry at myself for doing what I did.  I should've known better but didn't.  It reminded me once again that you can intellectualize all you want about narcs and PDs and how you can and should react to them, but in the moment--when the person is in front of you--all of that can fly out the window!

[NarcKiddo]

Sometimes we just react as we are conditioned to react. But you made no promises to call her, so that is good. And if she calls you, I see nothing wrong in you inventing some intervening circumstance that now prevents you from meeting her in the near future. And then just let it drop.

[GoodPesto]

Thanks for the post Catothecat, I couldn't help but smile when I came to the part where you are offering your precious presence because you noticed a lonely human being and were instantly ready to help, although it didn't sound like you were appreciated before. This so could have been me.
And then, wanting to keep your word, you don't know how to get out. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
There were a few ideas around your question "why did I do this?" coming to mind.
1) Like NarcKiddo said, it could have been a conditioned (e.g. pacifying) response from an individual that learned to put other people's need first.
2) A reaction like this could also stem from genuine care for hurting/lonely people.
3) What "goes out the window", is maybe going this way because internally or subconsciously you identified this person a some sort of threat and your nervous system reacted accordingly. Then this type of behaviour could be described as some sort of a "fawn"-like reaction.
4) When I was acting like this, jumping to help needy-seeming people, was also a strategy to avoid acknowledging how much I would have needed help myself.
I am sure there are more answers to this and nothing has to be the case but I thought I put these ideas out for you since you asked.
Keeping one's word is an attitude worth more than gold (to my opinion). What I've learnt - and it mustn't be true for others - is that it's a mastered martial art when practiced towards oneself, too.

[Rebel13]

Gosh I can relate to this too. Having recently subjected myself to something like this, I would like to say that, while the value of keeping one's word is extremely important as GoodPesto points out, it's also okay to change one's mind. If she calls, and you don't want to get together, it's perfectly OK to say that.
"You know, I was thinking about it, and I don't really have the time/energy to take on new social engagements right now."
"So nice of you to get in touch, but I don't think we have enough in common to sustain a friendship outside work. I'm sorry you're going through a hard time right now and I really wish you the best."

A lot of the examples in the Medium Chill article work great as follow-ups for statements like this, if the person keeps pressing.

This is so hard for me, but when I identify what's behind the impulse to figuratively light myself on fire to keep someone else warm, it's a lot of stuff that I don't really believe: that I don't have the right to say no, that I owe other people my time and attention (especially if they are unhappy or frame their stuff as a "need"), etc. etc. When I realize those aren't really my beliefs/values, it helps counteract the inner critic who is shouting at me for being selfish, inconsiderate, unkind, etc. All of that is implanted stuff that kept me compliant to the wants and wishes of my mom, and I don't need to honor it anymore, no matter how hard it is to get out from under it. I'm an adult and I get to make my own decisions, and revise them if they turn out to leave me open to unpleasant, exploitive experiences.

Wishing you the best!

[Catothecat]

Thanks for the replies Rebel and Pesto.  I guess I don't clearly understand that when I do something like this, it's a type of fawning.  For most of my life, I've dealt with disordered people by freezing.  I don't respond, I don't even really react.  I exist in the same space they do, but I'm not really there.  I just want them to go away and usually they do.  But when I feel the need to reach out, despite my instincts to not touch the stinging insect, I often go with that feeling.  And no, it's not really something I genuinely feel but rather is imposed on me by the other person's needs and wants.  I care, but not really.  The guilt of not doing something for them when something seems called for kicks in, so I end up "doing" and then regard myself as a hypocrite because I'm not being honest with either them or myself.  I don't actually want to do anything for them, and I seldom feel better afterwards because I usually just end up feeling used. 

She hasn't contacted me, and I have a feeling she won't.  She's the typical narc who seldom initiates contact.  In her world, I should be doing the heavy lifting.  Yet I'm certainly not a genuine friend, nor am I her therapist.  There's a lot of water under that bridge for sure, but in the end--so what?   Just because she, or other people like her, once existed in my orbit doesn't obligate me to keep them there if they happen to show up again and make noises.  I wouldn't have even noticed this woman's presence if she hadn't started calling out my name.  She could've let things pass but decided she wanted my attention and good will.  And I gave it to her.

It's a learning curve, still.   So again, thanks for the replies, guys!  I needed the perspectives of folks who've "been there, done that."

[Catothecat]

Also, thanks NarcKiddo (didn't mean to overlook your reply!) I've decided that on the off chance she contacts me, I'll just ignore it. I did this once years ago, when she contacted me via e-mail (she has never called me, thankfully) to tell me about her sister having cancer.  I replied with sympathy etc.  Then she e-mailed me again, and that second e-mail I just ignored.  I didn't like doing it (because I could understand her being upset and wanting to reach out) but I also knew I was being used as her emotional dumping ground.  The entire time I worked with her, she loved getting attention and sympathy, but she never gave it.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Catothecat!
Just to say that I relate to this feeling of guilt. I have often behaved that way with people I didn't even necessarily like, just because I could see what they needed and I felt I had to give it to them. I get this moment of 'don't say it, don't say it' and then I go ahead and say it 🙄 It definitely gets better with practice though!

[Catothecat]

I call it my "lizard brain takeover," Broken Glass.  A part of the brain that doesn't really think, just reacts reflexively!

[GoodPesto]

Your description sounds so familiar WOBG ... well put into words. It also reminded me of a great fawning-incident that I could not believe when it happened.
I was living in a shared flat in a wannabe-ashram-like community with six people and a hierarchy (one leader). Him and I, we did not get along very well because I refused to bow down before pictures of an indian master like asked and was all in all a little stiff-necked around his rules and ideas.
After five months of living there, I sensed one day he would make use of his powers and kick me out of the flat. I was home- and jobless before I moved in there, and living there provided me with both. So existential fears kicked in when he approached me with the request to talk to me. I noticed he had a new haircut and got all smily and "wow, this is suiting you so well" in an completely exaggerated manner, completely atypical for behaviour towards him, and didn't stop commentening on how awesome he would be looking until we reached the room where he ... *drum roll* told me I was job- and homeless again.
I remember so clearly I couldn't believe my own behaviour while it happened. Seems like I would resist to bow before a saint that isn't mine to have a job&home, but would butter up the wanna-be-leader on my way to be kicked out!!
So good, when enough time passed to laugh about it.

[Catothecat]

Wow, Pesto.  That's quite a situation you found yourself in!  Glad you were able to move on and can now laugh about it.

Before I came to this site, I had no awareness that "fawning" isn't the same as "sucking up."  That it's not a deliberate or manipulative behavior.  That it's a reaction someone learns while growing up, primarily as a type of self-defense.  For example, I have a friend who uses fawning as a default behavior.  I always found this behavior annoying and would think, just stop it! It wasn't until I understood what she's actually doing and why that I could overlook it and not make judgement about it.  This behavior has a source.  I have my defense mechanisms, and she has hers.  Unfortunately, she seems to have no awareness of what she does or why.

Anyway, I wonder if your behavior caused that so-called leader some confusion.  He might have thought, what is going on here?  Some people deserve to be bewildered.

 

[Pinkos]

I like "lizard brain take over" - I have reached the same conclusion that you all have. It's a reflexive, conditioned behavior. And I have to work really hard to give myself permission to 'change my mind' after and not follow through. And to accept that changing my mind doesn't make me a flaky person.

Another helpful thing I found is to also think about "what other resources does this person have?" Just because I don't know about them doesn't mean they don't have other friends or family or relatives they can go to. My feeling is that people who want you to know how "needy" they are are very good at getting attention and support. I've seen this first hand. They often have many others that they have commandeered.

The most important question is - what about me? It's not selfish and it's a perfectly valid question imo. What's going on with me right now? What are my current resources? Does this person give a shit about me? As someone above said, I find that when I'm in this predicament I'm often ignoring the fact that *I* am in need of support or help, often I'm desperate for it and not getting it in my life. It's quite perverse to then feel like I have to jump in with both feet at every meow. *sigh*