I am terrified

[walking on broken glass]

When he was 16 my partner developed an autoimmune condition that hit his kidneys. Back then he had had experimental treatment and finally recovered. He was warned that there might be a relapse later in his life and that he might develop kidney problems. Fast forward to the present: his tests show that there is a problem with his kidneys. We don't know yet how serious it is but, since the tests came out, I have been paralysed with fear. I am normally good in a crisis (god knows I had many of those growing up) but this time I am drowning. My partner is the only person in my life who fully gets me. He is my rock, my best friend. During this difficult time, he has kept me from going insane. I don't know what I will do if anything happens to him. I am trying to keep calm and not show him how terrified I am because I can't even imagine how scary this must be for him, having to deal with this again. It was his biggest fear. I wish I was stronger. How do I deal with this?
I am sorry for the panicked message. I couldn't sleep last night and woke up with a feeling of dread that I just cannot shake off.

[Rebel13]

Oh that's a really tough one! I have had bouts with that feeling of panic/dread since the cancer. My partner is older and that fear/panic/dread has extended to losing her and all her wonderful love and support that I depend on so much.

I don't have much constructive to offer, as I still get caught up in it fairly often. Mindfulness helps me, as in, "That's a real fear but it's not happening right now." Using various techniques to remind myself I'm safe in the moment. Trying to accept the feelings and let them pass through without getting stuck in the fear and anxiety. Reading about managing impermanence/uncertainty and accepting mortality. Pema Chodron (How We Live Is How We Die) and the Stoics have been helpful for me. My therapist recently mentioned the WeCroak app but I haven't tried it yet.

If you come up with other strategies please share! I'm sorry you are struggling with this. It really sucks.

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks so much Rebel. I am sorry you are also experiencing this. This morning I was paralyzed with fear and desperation, and once these feelings eventually subsided, I felt weak, dizzy and exhausted, as if I couldn't keep my eyes open. Needless to say, I wasn't much productive with work either. I will talk to my therapist tomorrow and if I have any insights I will share here.

[Prototypian]

I will state that in medicine one key is to emotionally guard yourself for the toughest fight when you hear "there could be a problem and we need to run some tests".  I don't mean build up despair and hopelessness but build up a sense of wanting to fight and learn and ask questions and prepare for support.

On the emotional side of things, tell that internal fear and sadness that it will have to wait until the results come back and the doctor can give you options.   At that point you can ask many tough questions and get ready to be both emotionally supportive and a wreck all at the same time.   Or you could be thanking God that it was not the worst news.   


My thoughts are to let yourself be scared unhappy and distraught in deep levels only with actual bad news.   But use the energy of that anxious feeling to drive you to build a worst case scenario plan.  Then wait to see what happens.

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks, Jsinjin, that's good advice

[walking on broken glass]

My partner spoke to the doctor today. She said that the change in his blood pressure medication seems to be working because the protein in the urine dropped dramatically (they were hoping it would have this effect). They will keep doing checks to make sure it stays down and, if needed, they will increase even more the blood pressure medication, but she is not worried just now.
Such a huge relief!

[Rebel13]

That's such great news!

This is the kind of thing that helps me remember, the next time I get caught up in worry and rumination, that no one knows the future, and I should try to stay with what IS, what is known, what exists today, like Jsinjin said. I try to tell myself things like "I don't have enough information right now." "I can't figure this out right now, I don't know what's actually happening." "When I know more, I can decide what is the right thing to do."  Etc.