After effects of gaslighting

[JustKeepTrying]

I have been dealing with my ex narc husband after five years of low contact. We have been negotiating money to continue supporting our autistic son while he finishes college. I have been living with my son this past year and I paused my travel to support him as he transitions. It has been a rough go and money has been tight. I wrote about it an another post. Forgive me for repeating myself.

As I sit in this small bedroom in a smaller apartment that is iffy at best and way overpriced in a college town that has extremely high rent, I began to wonder if I should buy a house. Or look for another place. I found myself today walking around the outside of an empty small cottage in the woods that I could afford and wondering. Buying a house is a big decision. Decisions are hard.

They are hard for me. After the divorce I couldn't make my mind up about anything. Part of it was the exhaustion and making the decision to leave just took it all from me. But I also struggled with decisions on small things like what kind of cereal to buy. With therapy, I began to learn to listen to myself again and trust the intuition.

But buying a house by myself is huge. Especially in this economy. And I am not sure I really want to be tied down if my son bounces back quickly then I could travel a bit more.

In the end as I work through the decisions and listen to myself, I am also struggling with the fact that this week I turn 60. With my aggressive cancer I never thought I would see 45. Let alone see my youngest in college. He was only five when I was diagnosed. I died on my birthday. Heart surgery on my birthday. So many birthdays forgotten or ignored by my ex. I was born on Mother's Day and all of my birthdays were celebrated with my mom. I felt like an after thought.

So this is a lot of emotion. Lots of triggers this week. Lots of sour and awful memories where my ex treated my birthday as an afterthought. And Mothers Day was spent worshipping at the feet of narcMIL.  Awful every one.

Somehow I will need to find some grace for myself. Someway to lean into gratitude and look at how far I've come. At the decisions I have made and how well they worked out. Find a moment of peace and I can think about what I really want.

Gaslighting leaves such a horrible lingering aftertaste. The effects of which linger and taint life.

I need to find a way to trust myself again and kick that self doubt to the curb.

[Breadroll]

Hi JKT, happy birthday on Mother's Day - raising a glass to you. 

You have been through a lot, which makes this birthday more precious-

There are some good threads here about gifts and occasions - echo your experience. It's part of their  the playbook - bug now, you could get yourself something nice, and maybe go to the movies?

You are out the other side, which is huge- but I know that feeling of not being able to make decisions. I couldn't even say what I liked, or wanted - even sugar or not. It's a strange after effect- but one tiny step at a time, you can reclaim yourself.

Very happy birthday