HOW-My feelings are valid

[Deby64]

Oh my God, will someone please tell me how to share my feelings without the uNPD-husband getting emotionally dysregulated, taking it as a personal attack and raging about me disrespecting him 🤦🏾

[Rebel13]

Sadly, I don't know if there is a way, Deby64. In general, people with narcissistic or self-absorbed tendencies don't care much about other people's feelings. If your situation is at all like mine with my mom, your choices are:

1. Share feelings and accept the dysregulation and temper tantrums
2. Don't share feelings, practice boundaries and information diet and try to keep the peace (which probably won't work all the time because it's almost like they NEED something to be upset about, whether you spark their reaction or something else does)

Of course, there are other approaches too, for example, seeking out support and comfort from trusted others, like friends and family, a therapist or support group, this forum; and working towards leaving the relationship if you eventually decide that is in your best interest. But trying to change a disordered person? It's a long shot.

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this.

[Deby64]

Rebel13, thanks for the feedback. This is driving me insane. I keep saying to myself, there is no way God created something so self absorbed and reckless. I use JADE and greywall all the time, yet the brokenness inside gets overwhelming and I attempt to speak my truth. That too creates another form of brokenness because he begins to rage. 40 years in this toxic mess. I'm sooooo tired. All I want is to have a 2-way conversation. 💔 I'm sooooo tired and tearful struggling to accept this reality. What's wrong with me? When I'm shutdown like a dead person, his sick self, says something stupid. Like I see you making changes to honor me as your head and think about my feelings for once. What the hell.... Everyday is about him and he's only happy when I'm dead man walking.

[Rebel13]

Everyday is about him and he's only happy when I'm dead man walking.

This seems like an important insight! There's nothing wrong with you. I think most people want reciprocity, i.e., "a 2-way conversation," in their relationships. It's really hard to acknowledge you've put so much time into a relationship with someone who doesn't value you as you deserve. Ask me how I know -- I kept trying with my mom until I was in my mid-50s and finally was able to accept that she will never change and how she treats me isn't OK with me. I know from our perspective, it doesn't seem like you're asking for so much -- just the basic courtesy, respect and consideration that people all over the world show to others every day. This should be a no-brainer for the person who is supposed to love and appreciate you the most, we think. But no one gets water by taking their bucket to an empty well, right? From what you say, your husband only praises you when you are "shutdown like a dead person." Apparently that's how he thinks you ought to be all the time. Is that OK with you?

[Deby64]

No, it's not okay with me. It's causing me to in turn act out in behaviors that are harmful to me (gambling). I have a headache 24/7, which is know us stress related. I know I deserve better, yet I feel so trapped. Yes, I love him and know he's mentally ill. His illness doesn't help my broken soul.The brainwashing has me unsure of who I am and what I can do. If I stop moving the whole house crumbles. I have the only verifiable income. He scrap for some here and there. Nothing consistent and it won't pay ALL our bills. I just called my PCP for depression medication and I'm hesitant on taking it because I know the source is external. I'm having a super hard day today. I know this too shall pass. Your communication with me has been a life line. Thanks.

[Rebel13]

I understand the push to self-medicating or using coping skills that don't help us in the long run. I have that too! And the financial stress on top of everything! Please try to be as kind as you can to yourself about all you are struggling with. Learning about the stress response and how to manage it to calm myself has helped me a lot. When my nervous system is calmer, I have more capacity to handle difficult emotions.

I also hope you can focus on yourself more, to feel less unsure and develop a core of strength you can rely on to support yourself. I'm not sure what that would look like for you. For me, it involves having activities and causes that I care about and spend time on, as well as carving out time where I can be calm, quiet and peaceful. Like making a cup of tea and sitting alone in a room with the door shut and reading a book I like. Is there something like that that feels good to you? Getting outside for a walk? Taking a bath?

I feel like there are a lot of pressures on us to focus on other people.  My experience has been trying to fix or change others doesn't usually yield much. But time spent on caring for myself, learning new things, and having positive interactions -- even just a quick chat with a coworker or a pleasant exchange with a checkout clerk -- helps me feel better and stronger and reminds me that I'm important and I matter.

I hope today is better. Keep on keeping on and let us know how you are doing.

[notrightinthehead]

Deby64 I strongly recommend you get a copy of 'Why does he do that?' by Bancroft - there is a free pdf online available if you can find it - and of 'Stop caretaking the Borderline/Narcissist' by Fjelstad.

Please read these two books!

You repeat that you love your torturer, the man who lives off you and abuses you. So somewhere you probably still nurture the hope that if you only find the right words the vault will open and love and appreciation for you will come out. Any little crumbs appearing like a good sign will nurture that misguided hope and allow you to continue  to remain in an impossible situation.

For me - my journey Out of the FOG and into healing began when I finally killed the hope that he ever would be anything other than he was now. When I stopped lying to myself and minmizing/normalizing the atrocious behaviour he displayed.

I also looked for support - I also had unhealthy coping mechanisms - and I found CoDA selfhelp groups in addition to therapy and this forum very helpful.

I wish you a lot of strength!

[Rebel13]

Great book suggestions!  Here are a couple links to Lundy Bancroft's book (I loved that one):
https://ia902200.us.archive.org/19/items/why-does-he-do-that-inside-the-minds-of-bancroft-lundy/Why%20Does%20He%20Do%20That__%20Inside%20the%20Minds%20of%20-%20Bancroft%2C%20Lundy.pdf

https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html

You can view the Fjelstad book at the Internet Archive if you create a free account:
https://archive.org/details/bwb_P8-AXS-126/page/n9/mode/2up

Please be safe if you use a device that your husband has access to! Not trying to create more problems or conflict for you.

[Deby64]

Thanks, I'll definitely look into the books. I tell myself all the time stop holding on to hope. The Bible tells me hope deferred makes the heart sick. (Provb 13:12). So if more information can help me give up on hope. I'm gain on learning it. Still hard to wrap my head around how he can't change and can't see the hurt he causes others. Where is his heart?

[MaxedOut]

I think sometimes the idea of "giving up hope" feels icky. Or like making a pronouncement of judgement about someone else. Sometimes it is easier to think in chunks and about YOU, not him. Like:

1) If this person stays the same as they are now, is this a tolerable situation for me to remain in?
2) If someone I care deeply about were in this situation and being treated this way for years, would I think it is a tolerable situation?
3) Is my partner aware of, concerned about, and actively pursuing intense help over the long term, specifically including evidence based supports known to help and target PD behaviors and their effects on relationships/me? If so, are things getting better and are they better able to self-regulate, acknowledge harm, and repair relations and plan prevention afterwards (because that is really the only way they *might* improve but it doesn't make them a different person or rewire their reality, it just helps curb reactions and mitigate harm).
4) Am I able to safely bring up things that upset me or my needs and have a productive and respectful conversation with my partner about it? And have mutual interest in finding solutions? Because that also is something a partner needs to be an,e and willing to do to have things get better. And that needs to be consistent, not something that happens intermittently then back to crappy treatment.
5) How much of keeping the peace generally is about me editing my words, actions, etc.? Does this barely tolerable situation rest on me not being myself and carefully navigating things that may cause reactions?


Another way to think about it may be realizing your hope and their hope are not aligned, and won't likely be. Is this basically "working ok/well" for them and the tough stuff I would need to have it work ok for me is stuff they don't want to happen (it becomes less ok for them)? Like their "hope" is to have their partner want, demand less, not hassle them, do what they want, etc...

[MaxedOut]

To add one important point. The process of releasing "hope" is part of existing in more peace regardless of whether one stays in the marriage. The book and concept of radical acceptance is important. Coupled with taking care of yourself and setting boundaries makes for supporting for yourself, regardless. Accepting that the spouse won't be that capable, other-focused, steady support allows you to see the situation and options more clearly. Dr. Ramani has a great book about this mindset transition: Should I Stay or Should I Go. It is about narcissism, but I found it largely relevant for BPD, and it has good guidance for those staying and those considering leaving.