Adult daughter and narcissistic traits

[Lynn66]

I grew up with my family of origin filled with narcissism, father, siblings, grandmother.  I do feel like my 29 year old daughter developed these traits as well. Unfortunately, I was scapegoated by my siblings and father and treated inconsistently by my grandmother. My relationship with my daughter feels a lot like the one with my grandmother..Some morsels of attention/love followed by distance and a need for control and an extreme lack of empathy..My husband, her dad, just went through a medical crisis in which he could have died. There were two multi-day hospitalizations and one stay in the ICU. My stepdaughters came to see their dad and support me even though they live further away than my daughter. My daughter did participate in group update texts but never called once to ask how I was doing. This is typical. However, when she needs support and love she is quick to ask for it.. The relationship feels one sided and sometimes transactional.. I have offered to go to therapy with her. She also is transgender which adds a lawyer of complexity..She is high functioning and clearly able to keep connections going with friend groups, etc...but she wants to maintain control and distance with us as her parents. Particularly me. She gets resentful if I ask for a call or support during difficult times like when my husband had back surgery 3 years ago..I want to be more clear in my boundaries and unwillingness to continue a one-sided relationship where I do all the giving. Any tips or suggestions or thoughts on this situation are welcome.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome Lynn66!  You have found a place full of information and support. Please check out the Toolbox tab, especially what to do and what not to do. You will find there strategies that will help you to protect yourself better when dealing with difficult loved ones.

Do you have a functioning social support system? In difficult times it's good to have people who are trustworthy around.

[Lynn66]

I am working on building a better support system. Some friends, my husband, and a new therapist are my support system. My stepdaughters can be kind at times but I can't rely upon support there. We are planning a move to a new community soon and I am hoping to develop new relationships and friends who are fellow nature lovers.

[blacksheep7]

HI Lynn66
My daughter did participate in group update texts but never called once to ask how I was doing. This is typical. However, when she needs support and love she is quick to ask for it.. The relationship feels one sided and sometimes transactional..

I am sorry that you are going through this at a difficult time.

I am late to reply as I do not visit the forum as often, eight years in. The subject of a one-sided relationship with an adult daughter relates with me. My daughter, early forties has had this behavior (
narc traits) since she left home, early twenties. I divorced her father since she was six. Our relationship is superficial, she does most of the talking about her family life.

To make a long story short, I have come a long way myself having had a lousy childhood like most if not all of us here. I lacked emotional intelligence in my early twenties when I had my kids. I was a strict parent that did my best, no violence in words or actions but she can not get past what bothered her. Even though I excused myself that her childhood was not to her liking. I was never disrespectful, still she wants nothing to do with me or my interests in life.

Although this situation she will be helpful if I ask or offer to take care of my house when I go on vacation. Appearances are very important, she must show somehow that she is a good daughter, is a people pleaser.

She was passive-aggressive for a long time. I put an end to that. I tried to remain pleasant with conversations but the one-sided got to me. I would call every so often to say hello, I just listen. Recently she asked me about my step son's vacation on Facebook etc., not what I'm up to.   I go to my g-kids sports games, sit next to her. Very little is said, talks mostly with her other woman next to her.

It is very uncomfortable,when you do not feel wanted/loved for over twenty years. I'm just not interessed any more. It saddens me deeply but I have accepted my situation. I remain cordial. I have a full life and support from some close family members and friends.

I'm sorry that this post is not hopeful for you.
How are you getting along?