More shenanigans - "How to Save Face"

Tribe16 · May 14, 2025, 06:35:51 PM

I blocked my mother on Facebook about 6 months ago. I did this because of her passive-aggressive behavior there and because I was tired of altering my posts in case she saw them. She is well aware that I have blocked her. My sister said she asked about it.

One of the things (there were many) she used to do was wish every member of our family a Happy Birthday on HER FEED and tag them. Everybody but me that is. On my birthday last year, she posted pictures of my grand-niece's birthday party on my birthday

It's been about 4 years since the last time she wished me a happy birthday on Facebook.

So this year what does she do? I found out today from my close cousin who also knows that I blocked her, that she posted happy birthday wishes to me last week on my birthday. Mind you, she could have texted or called, she still has my phone number. She could have emailed or sent a card. But no. She posts something she knows I will not see, but "her public" will see it. I told Cousin, "that was a 'saving face' move, because there's no way I'd see that". Cousin said, "that's what I was thinking too."

Just more evidence that blocking her and going no contact is the right thing to do for now.

footprint33 · May 22, 2025, 09:26:08 AM

Hi Tribe,

That must have been very painful for you to see your mother wishing happy birthday to everyone on FB other than you. It is gaslighting that she then posts happy birthday to you once you're NC. The best way to respond is to keep her blocked and not to respond or get into it, which it seems you are doing. It's hard but you're maintaining the course, which is protective for you.

One issue that arises when we go NC is the role of our extended family members and anyone connected to the social network of the NPD parent. Your cousin could have very good intentions with you, but learning about the actions of our NPD parent(s) from an extended family member can still be toxic for us. It is natural for us to wonder what our parents are up to even after we've gone NC. However, I've found that I'm healthiest if I know very little about what they're doing. This is hard in the beginning but gets easier over time. If we're hearing news about the toxic parent from someone in the shared social network, we're still enmeshed with the parent to some degree.

While we can definitely keep some people in our lives who are connected to our NPD parents, it's also refreshing to bring in new people who never knew our parents. This also helps us build our lives away from the toxic family we were raised in.

Wishing you strength as you continue your journey.
footprint

Tribe16 · May 22, 2025, 02:45:27 PM

Quote from: footprint33 on May 22, 2025, 09:26:08 AMYour cousin could have very good intentions with you, but learning about the actions of our NPD parent(s) from an extended family member can still be toxic for us.

Thanks Footprint. I thanked her for telling me and also let her know that for now I'm better off not knowing about the stuff my Mom says or does (unless it is life-threatening or serious). She was kind about it and understood. Thank you for responding, sometimes it's very frustrating that there are very few places to vent about something. It is validating knowing the people here "get it", though sad that we all do get it.

Thanks again.

footprint33 · May 22, 2025, 11:48:54 PM

Quote from: Tribe16 on May 22, 2025, 02:45:27 PMI thanked her for telling me and also let her know that for now I'm better off not knowing about the stuff my Mom says or does (unless it is life-threatening or serious). She was kind about it and understood.

That's really positive that your cousin responded that way, Tribe. I have a similar cousin who has become a bit of a guardian angel for me. She did bring up a brother and the brother's wife once a few years ago and it was very triggering for me, so I asked her to please not tell me anything about them. I'm NC with all members of my FOO (parents and two brothers) and at this point I don't want information about any of them. My cousin was very understanding and even apologized. But she's the rare one.

My extended family is very large and I have 30+ first cousins, and I can say that while many of them haven't support my parents or brothers, they all pretty much partook in staying silent and not reaching out to me after I distanced myself from my parents. All their silence did was further the abuse from FOO because they saw that nobody was going to step up for me. NPD parents also had a few of them as toxic flying monkeys for several years, but those are fortunately out of my life now too. But this one cousin I mentioned has now stepped up a few times and I can tell you that even having one truly good person at your side means the world.

The greatest validation I've received has been in therapy and also from people who have been through this and know what it is. Aside from that, I've found that creating a brand new social network has been empowering because I know my parents know that they can't penetrate the new world I've created. They relish smearing me and disrupting my reality, and that's very difficult for them now. I haven't seen either of them since 2013, so it has been a long time. Full NC took longer than the actual physical distance I was able to create back then.

I hope that you are feeling better now and am glad that you have blocked your mother on FB and elsewhere. NC can be hard in the beginning but gets better as time goes on.

Sending my best wishes to you.
footprint