Struggling with writing

[walking on broken glass]

Not sure if this belongs here.

I work in academia and thanks to a number of factors (overcritical or indifferent supervisors and mentors, rejections, lack of jobs, a culture of unhealthy competition and sexism) my confidence has plummeted over the years. I am pretty sure my upbringing and my adult relationships have contributed to this feeling of not being good enough, not doing enough but academia is ripe ground for this anyway. I am in the process of writing a book, which has been a source of stress, anxiety, and pain to me for many years: the expectation that I should have published this a while ago and the worry that I don't write fast enough, I am not productive enough, coupled with feelings of emptiness and futility (what is the point of this? it won't lead to anything etc.) are constantly plaguing me. Writing is bad enough but writing with all this in my head is really challenging. My current contract will come to an end in a few months and I have no idea what comes next, as very few positions open up in my field. Writing the book is a way to make myself more competitive but also something that I want to do for my own sake. It just takes so long and I worry I won't be able to finish by the time my contract runs out. And then who knows if I will have the time to work on it, if I need to apply for other jobs to sustain myself. Some days I write something that I am excited about and proud of, and get a sense of satisfaction and optimism, but most days I am fighting through the negative feelings and an almost existential dread. There's a voice in my head that says 'who are you kidding, you are never going to finish this', 'you are a failure, you should have finished this ages ago and then maybe you would have a job, now it's too late for you'. I wish I were able to navigate this without baggage or second thoughts. It's like chains holding me down.

I don't know if anyone has a similar experience or any advice.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

This sounds very painful, WOBG.  I'm so sorry you're going through it.

I haven't been in your exact situation.  But I'm acquainted with many of the feelings you describe.  I can sink, at times, into self doubt, hopelessness, nothing much matters, I don't matter, "What's the use? Why try?," which may not be identical to your experience, but seems similar.  I've had it off and on in recent months now, set off by some family stuff.

I had paused therapy and am getting back into it, which feels hopeful, especially IFS therapy in particular.  But we're getting a very slow start schedule wise, so I'm mostly relying on old tried and true stuff.  Nurturing the inner child, listening to & validating her feelings, reassuring her I'll be there for her, asking what she needs.  The self care of fresh air, activity, not losing supportive connections with others, even if there's only a little time for each of those.

I think beneath it all, in my case, is something which doesn't seem apparent while I'm feeling all the heaviness -- anger.   I haven't really explored that much yet.  I've mostly been trying to uplift myself.

I hope you find some relief from this, WOBG, and some comforting ways to love yourself along the way.  ♥️ 

[Happypants]

I don't have much experience of academia since writing my dissertation over twenty years ago (before coming Out of the FOG).  What I do remember is struggling with those areas within topics that didn't hold my interest, but back then I didn't have the weight of working myself Out of the FOG to contend with.  I got through those dry writing challenges by receiving reliable feedback from faculty members. 

Since then, I've learned that creativity is one of the first things to go out the window when dealing with any type of stress (especially within family relationships) as everything is geared towards survival.  For me, I can still exercise some creativity when problem-solving (including planning writing projects) but when push comes to shove, I'm paralysed whenever I try to create for the reasons you mention above.  I do wonder if having reliable feedback and the accountability that comes with it could help?  Is there anyone that you trust either in your personal life or your field of academia who enjoys the subject area and might like first access to your writing?  Is it a subject area where you might feel comfortable arranging for someone to be a beta reader?  If it's a contract (with a publisher?), can you forward excerpts or chapters at a time? 

[Call Me Cordelia]

This is just a thought but have you tried doing Crappy Childhood Fairy's Daily Practice? It's a five-minute (timed) brain dump on all the feelings and then turning them around so they don't consume you so much for just that day. Maybe you could use that springboard you into writing on your academic subject. Scoop off what's top of mind anyway, take a moment for yourself, and then switch gears. I think HappyPants has good practical tips too.

[mary_poppins]

Walking on broken glass, hi!

I have a similar experience with my book. What you are describing in here is 'imposter syndrome'. I am in a community of novelists and first time writers on social media and they all complain about their low self-esteem and how bad their book is. As I understand, this is normal. We all have an inner critic but those raised by PD parents, unfortunately, have a harsher critic. Maybe we feel it is too much at times. So, rather than dealing with it, we either postpone doing something creative or quit early in the process.

My book is very difficult to write so I find the whole book writing process extremely challenging (i need write at least four drafts until it can be 'worthy' of a publisher). Just remember that what you're doing shouldn't be easy and only a few people out there start writing a book, end up publishing it and even earn from it. When I am told by other writers that what i'm doing is difficult, i stop beating myself up.

My current draft is really bad but i am still proud of myself for actually doing the work, which is writing.
Be proud of yourself that you are doing creative work (even if it's an academic book) and that not many could do what you do. It's actually good if you are enjoying the process (hope you do). If u want to chat about the entire process and need feedback, let me know. I'm on Instagram and Threads. Good luck.

[1footouttadefog]

My advise is to work on the book whenever you can.  Of there are times you just cannot then happily take the break but stay busy doing other tasks so you can free up even more other time to work.  This way if you get on a roll you can stay with the writing.

Maybe prep up some extra meals and freeze them, buy some heat and eat foods also.  If possible save some extra cash to outsource some yard work or house work when you hit a success and creativity  steak so you can maximize it.

On off days perhaps make a list of things that are book related. Organize notes, edit what you have done so far, do research, etc.  there are many ways you can show up to the book writing job and still accomplish something.

Maybe make a ritual out of going to a certain quiet corner in a book store of library to work with fewer household distractions. 

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you all so much, your responses are very helpful.

Looking to be free, I totally relate to what you describe. I also hope therapy will help me deal with all the unresolved feelings and my harsh inner critic.

Since then, I've learned that creativity is one of the first things to go out the window when dealing with any type of stress (especially within family relationships) as everything is geared towards survival.

This is so true, Happy Pants. My therapist said something similar to me. She said it is not only pointless but also harmful to try to push through the pain and force myself to produce something when I am in a panic/survival mode. It's just that sometimes I think that I am actively working myself up because I want to avoid writing, if that makes sense. Like, is that legitimate anxiety or is it sabotage that my brain creates? Is it ok to, for instance, spend time here on this site instead of focusing on writing or am I indulging my anxiety while I should be trying to put a stop to anxious thoughts and catastrophising, and get on with my work?

I would love to have a reader but unfortunately I have been really unlucky with mentors in my field. My partner works on the same broad field but different authors/genres, but since he has a good knowledge of the subject and I trust his judgement, I use him as a reader He is currently very busy though and has only managed to read only a bit. I also worry that he won't be very objective! He always says that my stuff is really good! I haven't submitted the manuscript to a publisher yet (mostly because I haven't written enough to know exactly the direction the book will take) so I don't have that kind of feedback yet.

Cordelia, I will check the daily practice you mention!

We all have an inner critic but those raised by PD parents, unfortunately, have a harsher critic.

Sadly, that's very true, Mary Poppins. Thank you so much for your validation and support! I might take you up on the offer to chat I wish you all the best with your book too. You should be proud of your draft, even if it ends up being the first out of four!

1footouttadefog, thanks so much for the practical advice. All good points! I used to go to a specific cafe to work on my PhD thesis. Maybe I should do something like that again.

[Laurie]

I am also in a competitive male dominated field.  Sometimes it seems that I can't please certain colleagues no matter how hard I try as they are determined to be nasty and fault finding.  Keep the faith and don't give up!!!  Sometimes I think certain co-workers can be mean because you are good and they are threatened in some way.