Guilt tripped

[walking on broken glass]

My aunt (dad's sister) called me early in the morning, woke me up basically, to tell me they had taken my mum to hospital because she was unwell and she has to do a small surgery. I hadn't spoken to my mum for a few days so I didn't know she was in pain and had fever yesterday. My mum's sister was there too and immediately jumped to ask 'did you call her yesterday? I was there until 9pm, I thought maybe you called after I left'.
I am annoyed that I am made to feel guilty about this. I am also flying back to my place of work today and the whole incident has left me very stressed. I mentioned in the call that I am travelling and same aunt said 'ah so you are in X country'.
Why can't people mind their own business?

[Call Me Cordelia]

 

Now that I have been completely out of it for a few years, glimpses of the enmeshed family system at work leave me wondering the same thing. I wonder if part of it is the natural desire to "share the load." A healthy family would be offering mutual support and able to empathize with each other on the emotional impact of a beloved elder's illness and decline. But since there's not a genuine connection, it has to be forced in this way lest the family members face being alone. A scapegoat leaving or even pulling away gives the lie to the whole system and that's unbearable. Focusing on you and how bad you are is a handy release for all of the other stuff going on that they can't fix and gives the aunts something to bond over. And least that's my interpretation. It really isn't about you, and is really sad.

What do they say they want from you, anyway? To fly to mother's bedside and weep tears of repentance? To call every day and take some of the heat off them? To keep them apprised of your every move to give them more fuel for criticism? Whatever. You have a life to live and a book to write. Thanks for letting me know.

[treesgrowslowly]

 

this is the 'obligation' part of their FOG.

It didn't work for me either, so I can appreciate how it feels to have an aunt call and expect me to jump because they think this is how I'm supposed to be there for them.

When families are this FOG based, you have to get your own plan for what you will and will not do for them. Otherwise they run you over with their ideas that you are obligated to do things their way. In my FOO it is their way or the highway, so I took the highway. If they were healthier and Out of the FOG, they would understand where you are coming from. But we get it because we got out of that obligation stuff.

trees

[Liketheducks]

I get this all the time within our family dynamic.   "well, did you talk to so and so?" is very common.   In my family it is more of a question of whose side am I on today.   If I've talked to my brother, my mother gets bent out of shape because they don't talk.   For us, it seems like a fishing expedition for whomever has the weakest boundaries.   

I used to get upset about it.   In our family, it is often used to guilt someone.   If I've not spoken to mom recently...why is that?   That feeling still stirs up within me from time to time.   Usually I just respond with, "hadn't heard from them"...and then I change the subject.

[walking on broken glass]

Now that I have been completely out of it for a few years, glimpses of the enmeshed family system at work leave me wondering the same thing. I wonder if part of it is the natural desire to "share the load." A healthy family would be offering mutual support and able to empathize with each other on the emotional impact of a beloved elder's illness and decline. But since there's not a genuine connection, it has to be forced in this way lest the family members face being alone. A scapegoat leaving or even pulling away gives the lie to the whole system and that's unbearable. Focusing on you and how bad you are is a handy release for all of the other stuff going on that they can't fix and gives the aunts something to bond over. And least that's my interpretation. It really isn't about you, and is really sad.

What do they say they want from you, anyway? To fly to mother's bedside and weep tears of repentance? To call every day and take some of the heat off them? To keep them apprised of your every move to give them more fuel for criticism? Whatever. You have a life to live and a book to write. Thanks for letting me know.

Your explanation makes a lot of sense! I think there is a certain resentment that I am not fulfilling my role as a dutiful, caring daughter. They probably think 'look at us, slaving away and her own daughter does not even bother'. My cousin had messaged me to say that when her mum stayed with my mum, the cat missed her and was looking for her  It was as if she were saying 'my mum shouldn't have to deal with this'. My sister who calls and talks with my mum for hours every day and is in touch with the extended family fits better their idea of performative care.

Usually I just respond with, "hadn't heard from them"...and then I change the subject.

That's a good way of responsing to their nonsense.

My aunt called me again later in the day to talk to my mum. It was very awkward as everyone was around her and listened to the conversation. I asked my mum if she will stay in the hospital overnight and her sister jumped in to say 'of course; she will be lucky if it's just tonight, it will most probably be a full week'. I asked if that's what the doctor said and she replied 'no, I am saying it'. Needless to say she is not a doctor. Also, my mum stayed in the hospital for two nights 

My mum is home now and complaining about the antibiotics she gets, that they make her nauseous and she cannot stand on her feet. I called her yesterday and when I asked 'how are you?' she replied with 'ugh, I don't know what to tell you'. She sounded extremely grumpy.

[walking on broken glass]

So my aunt, my dad's sister, the one I am on good terms with, emailed me this morning saying 'I hope you are well'. Just that. It really stressed me out and I don't know what the background of this is. I am not sure how to react. Any advice?

[GoodPesto]

If you do not feel like it, there is no need to respond to this at all. This one liner was maybe just sent in a minute of thinking of you and hoping you are well. If there is a background to this, it's nothing important or your aunt's message would be missing relevant information. Your reaction to it (stress) speaks volumes, I'd suggest to not respond and/or take some days and wait to see what you think then.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, good pesto!
It's a really uncharacteristic message because normally she includes more information and is more affectionate or she just calls me. The one liner reads very formal and weird. Perhaps there is nothing going on and she is just touching base. But it could be that my mum or my sister have complained about my lack of contact or she sensed something, since I haven't said anything about going to visit in the summer. I am going to respond later in a casual way.
It's just I have been so stressed the past few days and the slightest thing overwhelms me.

[TimetoHeal]

I agree with Good Pesto 100%.  Take some time before you respond, if you respond at all.  You may just be stressed, but it may also be alarm bells going off.  It is an odd email, especially since that's not the way she usually interacts with you.  Take care of yourself. 

[walking on broken glass]

I responded to my aunt and I haven't heard further from her. I was thinking of calling my mum tonight, but I have a work presentation tomorrow and I am a little bit tense so I didn't want to risk getting agitated. I guess if there was a medical emergency, my aunt would have told me.

I have been thinking (again!) of how to handle the 'I am not coming to visit for the summer' discussion with my mum. So far we have both avoided the topic but I know she expects me to go: I have been going back every single summer since I moved abroad, with the exception of one year, when I was finishing my thesis. I even went back during covid times. Now that she is ill, she and the whole family is definitely expecting me to go visit and stay longer with her. It will be like dropping a bomb. So I expect her to ask me at some point whether we are planning to visit. I am not sure how to handle this. One option would be to answer 'no, not this year' without giving further information. Another option is to say that I don't want to go because of the way my last visit went. But this opens up the floor for further discussion on the topic. I know that no matter what I say, she won't change her mind, she won't admit she did anything wrong, and she will most likely play the martyr. But part of me wants to tell her, to let her know that she caused that, even though she won't accept it. The other part of me is scared and traumatized, and starts shaking even at the thought of having another discussion about this. I don't want to come up with fake excuses ('I am busy with work' etc.). but I also don't want to confront her. I am scared. I guess it really depends on what she will say and how she will respond, because if she provokes me by playing the martyr or saying something mean and bitter, I will follow up. But if she says 'whatever you think is best', I don't want to elaborate.

Does this make me weak? Not wanting to clearly state my position and my boundaries, and hoping my mum won't react to the news? Will it make a difference to tell her why I don't want to go? I hate that I am so scared of this but I am.

[Rebel13]

Does this make me weak? Not wanting to clearly state my position and my boundaries,

Not even a little bit! "No" is a complete sentence. You never owe anyone an explanation, particularly someone who hasn't listened well or been respectful in the past, or who you suspect is going to argue with your position.

Practically speaking, though, it would probably be good to have a follow-up prepared in case she does push back. Some of the medium chill statements might help -- "Why aren't you coming?" "It just doesn't work for me this year." Then repeat or end the call if she keeps pushing.

I get a little nausea just thinking about talking to my mom like this, so it's completely reasonable to be worried or afraid, IMHO. But you can do this hard thing.

[TimetoHeal]

Does this make me weak? Not wanting to clearly state my position and my boundaries, and hoping my mum won't react to the news? Will it make a difference to tell her why I don't want to go? I hate that I am so scared of this but I am.

No, this makes you wise.  You have learned that trying to have a rational discussion with her is fruitless and leads to further stress and trauma.  You are protecting yourself.  I really like your first response, "No, not this time".  It does not lend itself to further discussion, and further discussion is what you are dreading and afraid of. 

[Liketheducks]

I just read something that blew my mind...

"The guilt you feeler setting boundaries is a sign of how deeply you were trained to abandon yourself to fulfill someone else's needs"

Take care BrokenGlass

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you all so much.
I really don't want to have another discussion with her, so I will try to avoid that. If pushed, I will gently but firmly reiterate my decision. If she plays the victim card, I will remind her that she treated me badly in my last visit and it is best for me to stay put for now, but I won't go into details.

She must already know that things are not right, because I went from calling her every day to calling once a week, and from video calls to phone calls. If she wanted to hear my reasons, she would have already asked. Clearly, she has made up her mind.

I spoke to her yesterday and when she asked 'how was work' I said good and I mentioned I had a presentation. She didn't ask anything about it and just said 'ah ok'.

As in her head I am the black sheep of the family, I guess she doesn't really want to talk to me but she wants me to want to talk to her. Sigh

[TimetoHeal]

Good for you, WOBG!  You are doing great in grey rocking and setting your boundaries. 

I'm amazed you got a "How was work?".  I don't think my mom has ever asked me that question.  LOL.  I think she hates that I work because 1. she never did and 2. it keeps me from being at her beck and call

Anyway, I think you definitely made the right decision and you're handling it beautifully!

[moglow]

If she plays the victim card, I will remind her that she treated me badly in my last visit and it is best for me to stay put for now, but I won't go into details.

I used to try that with mine and no matter what I said she'd go sideways. In your situation I'd have to way simplify with "I made other plans" then complete evasion and change of subject when she brings it up again (I say that because that's what mine would do, go on and on like it was some affront). Just because you always did doesn't mean you have to continue. And you sure don't have to explain your choices.

[walking on broken glass]

I'm amazed you got a "How was work?".  I don't think my mom has ever asked me that question.

I am sorry, time to heal! That sucks. For my mum this is one of her standard questions. The other two are how's the weather and what are you having for dinner. Back in the day she would ask me how my partner is doing too, but now that he is evil and manipulative, he doesn't exist 😂

I used to try that with mine and no matter what I said she'd go sideways.

I can't safely predict how she will react because I have never had such a big conflict before. My parents always complained that I didn't stay long enough when I visited or wanted me to go more often but there never was any big drama. Now that my mum is ill, she probably feels she has the moral high ground. Yesterday she mentioned that her sister went there and helped her go out for a short walk and that even though she goes away this time of the year to her holiday home, she will stay behind to help my mum (the same aunt who guilt tripped me). Subtext: see what other relatives do for me?

[Rebel13]

Subtext: see what other relatives do for me?

Yup. It's like they all work off the same playbook somehow.

In the latter years, when my mom said stuff like this (she has a paid caregiver and "best friend" and would say things about how grateful she was to have her, how she couldn't get along without her, etc. etc.) I would pretend I didn't understand the subtext and agree, yes, that's wonderful, I'm so glad Caregiver is there for you too.

She went on like this during our final interaction and I was so far gone I actually FELT grateful. Caregiver's presence meant I could walk away.

[walking on broken glass]

I do the same! I was saying to her it's great that aunt is coming to keep you company. And you are right, I am actually grateful that there are people around that can look after her, so that I won't have to worry about that too.

[TimetoHeal]

Haha, Rebel and WOBG, my mom has 2 cousins who live near her and "do her bidding" and she always mentions how "she couldn't make it without them".  I honestly think to myself I am as grateful for them as she is!