Guilt

[Eggshells]

I guess I don't have to explain to this group what it feels like to experience the constant loop of everything is fine then, predictably, they flip and everything is not. It's been looping for years and I'm the one who always needs the therapy and she always seems to think that she completely understands her issues and doesn't need it anymore.

Then she flips and gives me the silent treatment, and the excuse is always that I can never understand her epic indescribable pain and she feels unloved. (Basically just her mother wound) But she's the one always being emotionally abusive, rejecting and avoiding and is short and talking between her teeth when I try to make the slightest conversation or break the ice to soften the tension and I'm met with distain and coldness.

I'm in between therapists because I lost my job, I'm waiting for my multi year autism diagnosis because I can't get actual (insurance supported) autism related therapy without a diagnosis, so I'm stuck in this lonely gray area, with nobody to talk to. Stuck in a foreign country with no friends or family other than her and our younger kids, so I'm literally all alone in this. Of course ChatGPT has been helpful but still you always second guess the advice and of course, it's a robot... so it's only so reassuring. I'm not easy either, I know. The autism makes me really socially awkward and antisocial, so for someone like her who craves socializing, I can understand the frustration.

I think in these times what hits me the hardest when they flip is always this feeling like somehow you've failed. They are good at projecting that. And I know I'm doing as much as I can to hold up my side of the relationship, the home, the kids, but it's always the doubt and confusion and second guessing that somehow there is something you are still failing to do that they are needing from you. And of course I've read the books and listened to the podcasts and talk to the therapists who all make it clear that it's not you, (it's her sh** not mine) but it's so hard to shake that guilty feeling. Being autistic doesn't help because I need clarity, routine and logic and trying to decipher the vague, silent treatment nonsensical mind games just ganks me out.

How do you do it? How do you cope? How do you give yourself hope? I'm trying to work on myself but when she flips, it becomes all encompassing.

I think I basically know the answer but facing the reality of how absolutely awful and stressful and financially devastating things would be keeps me locked in this paralyzing state of fear. As an autistic, I dont deal well with pattern interrupts so I'm sure that has a lot to do with why I've let this go on for so long. The trauma bond is real...

I dont know what I'm trying to say here... I'm just lonely, upset and stuck and need to share. And my only friend is emotionally abusive and not talking to me and making me feel like some kind of awful person for literally just breathing the same air in our house.

[notrightinthehead]

Eggshells 
I feel for you. You are really in an impossible situation.Even for a person without your additional problems, such a situation is dire.

Years ago, like you, I was stuck in a foreign country, financially dependent with small kids, and an emotionally abusive partner. When I stopped lying to myself that this would ever get better, that I would eventually find the magic word to get through to him, and finally, painfully accepted reality, that breadcrumbs of love was all I would ever get at best - I went into inner emigration. I forced myself to stop expecting any approval/appreciation from him. I began to work on a leaving plan. Whenever I had abuse hurled at me, I thought of my leaving plan, that gave me strength. I thought of myself as being alone, not as one in a relationship and allowed my partner to be, trying hard to not let the abuse affect me.

My advice is, go back to the Toolbox and consequently implement the strategies. Kill the hope that it will ever get better. Get into the mindset of a single parent. Work on a leaving plan, even if you will never leave. Try to keep a clear mind at all times.

[Eggshells]

. Kill the hope that it will ever get better. Get into the mindset of a single parent. Work on a leaving plan, even if you will never leave. Try to keep a clear mind at all times.

Thank you. Sadly, I think you are right.
I was listening the "You Are Not Crazy" podcast which was discussing the red flags of abuse and I was sure I was aware of all of them but then she mentioned something about skipping songs and shows because they might trigger an abusive response and that really hit me. Also just the fact that if you need to Google and research topics just trying to understand why they make you feel a certain way or out of confusion, that in itself is a sign. That also hit home.
I think having the kids in the middle of this is the worst part of it, due to the complexities of potential international parenting. If it weren't for them I'm sure I would have been gone a long time ago.

But yeah, I think you are right. Thanks.

[newlyawakened]

Eggshells, I'm very sorry for what you are going through. You are not alone and we understand your pain. My pwBPD had an affair and now accuses me as being the root cause that forced them to have affair... and demanding that I am not doing enough to heal them. only when you step Out of the FOG you can see clearly how absurd their actions and demands are. Find ways to engage in hobbies, activities and other reasons to step away. Only when you get some time away from them and the FOG clouding your judgement their presence, you being to think with some clarity. Yes young kids and foreign shore add a lot more complexity to your situation. Wishing you well my friend

[Eggshells]

Thanks everyone. The hardest part, other than the finances and logistics of the situation, I think is dealing with the discard. Afte 18 years of marriage, she can suddenly just turn off like a switch, as if nothing I do or say matters. Like I dont exist in the house. Every response to anything I say is met with disdain or spoken through gritted teeth.
I just don't understand. I mean, as I research, I do understand technically, but the emotional detachment is so hard to believe.
The has a split pretty much daily now and it is almost unbearable being trapped in a house with a person like this.