Unsure about my own feelings

[spruces2]

Hi all,

I recently became a father and while it should be a joyful time, I'm dealing with a very difficult situation with my ex-partner. We separated months ago, but she continues to cross boundaries I've set.

The pattern is clear: the firmer my boundaries, the more extreme her reactions become. This includes harassment behaviors, emotional manipulation, threats of self-harm, and using our child as leverage. Authorities have been involved multiple times.

Since the birth, she's been inconsistent - sometimes excluding me completely, other times creating "emergencies" that turn out to be false alarms according to medical staff. She records our conversations and makes unreasonable demands about when/if I can see my child.

Recently she's escalated to showing up at my home unannounced, making financial demands despite having significant resources, and refusing to cooperate with establishing legal paternity while simultaneously threatening legal action.

The stress is affecting me physically - I'm constantly on edge in my own home. What's most concerning is the impact on our child, who's caught in the middle of this chaos.

I won't stoop to her level or retaliate with the same tactics she uses against me, but it feels incredibly unfair that I can't just ignore every action she takes. She has a history of legal troubles and has used past mistakes of mine as weapons, making this feel like it's all about power and control rather than what's best for our child. Looking for advice on managing this situation while protecting both my child's wellbeing and my own mental health.

Currently I try to calm.. and removed myself from the situation. But I miss my little child!

[StartingHealing]

spruces2

That is one rough situation.  I cannot speak to what you "should" do since I haven't been through that exact situation.  I was however in a situation where I ended up fighting every single piece of the legal machinery to protect my child.  It was hard, long, and expensive.  Ultimately I was able to effectively become the sole parent.   

What you have written indicates that she isn't a stable person.  You are correct in your concern for the child.  Since she appears that she is trying to do two things at once in my opinion.  She's attempting to use the child as leverage against you for financial concessions while simultaneously keeping paternity in question. Which raises some rather large flags for me.

Please remember that BPD's are exceptionally adept at using your own emotions against you.

What would be your end goal?  What situation are you looking to establish? How hard are you willing to fight for that situation?  If things are not what it has been made to appear to you, then what? 

A couple of things you may consider doing to help you determine things.  Do you have a trusted person, someone that is going to give their opinion to you straight? No BS. Go have a long conversation about all this with them.  Boil it down into salient points. Then go have another long conversation over the situation with another person of the same caliber. Combine both lists.

Find a legal professional that has a lot of experience with "high conflict" individuals.  Have a free consult and go down the list of salient points, take copious notes or see if perhaps you can record the conversation.

Once all this is completed, then you can decide on which is the appropriate flow chart of actions to follow.

Wishing you all the best.