The call

[Mathilda]

So, yesterday I had the call. I was working from home when at 9.41 am uncle J. (whom I hadn't spoken for 2 years after he said he felt an aversion towards me and blamed me for everything that was wrong because dad had told him so many negative things about me, see earlier posts) left me a voicemail message saying mom is dying, and if I ever wanted to "take action", I should do it now.
At 9.43 he left a second message, stating he assumed I must have heard his first message (only 2 minutes earlier!) and urged me again to "take action" because she's in a coma and will die within a few days. I blocked uncle J.'s number after our last phonecall 2 years ago, so I didn't hear my phone ringing, but he can still leave a message on my voicemail. In the past 2 years he never called.

Mom has Altzheimers, since 2020. I went NC in 2018. I haven't had contact in almost 7 years, apparently I'm supposed to sit and wait by my phone for THE CALL and then jump up and rush to the nursing home, to say goodbye to a woman I will not even recognize anymore and who is in a non-responsive, vegetative, comatose state.

I sent him a Whatsapp message, thanking him for telling me and that I will say goodbye to my mom in my own way. That's it, nothing more. He replied "so, how are you". I didn't reply.

No, I will not rush to the nursing home. I can't even imagine anyone expecting me to do that! Come on, that's just soooo crazy! I will think of her, pray for her, burn a candle and maybe even put up a photo with some flowers. A few years ago I was told I would not be invited to the funeral, so that's a no either.

[xredshoesx]

sending strength and peace to you today @Mathilda.  I fully support your idea of grieving in your own manner.

I will be in a similar position/ feeling pattern when/if I get the call about my own biological mother.

whatever you do will be the right decision for YOU and whatever this uncle J does moving forward, he's already shown you who HE is. 

[Mathilda]

Thank you, xredshoesx.
You know, I didn't even know she was still alive .... after all my brother had told my uncle they would not invite me to the funeral,so the last 2 years I had already accepted the thought that she had probably passed but no one told me. So there's not much of a grieving process anymore, really. But now that I know she is still alive but in the process of dying, my only wish is that she passes peacefully. Me being with her in her last days would not be helpful for anyone, not for her, not for me, but it would definitely cause a lot of stress and drama with my dad and my brother.

I thought long and hard about how to response to his voicemail message. I felt so much anger. I think this was the best response. I'm not going to explain myself any futher. I'm so sick and tired of these stupid guilt trips.

[Mary]

I'm sorry, Mathilda. Death can bring a lot of drama. You have good insight in not getting sucked into it.
Mary

[Mathilda]

Thank you, Mary. I think it's amazing how much drama they can create.

But I had another message from my uncle today and I think this time he overdid himself. At first I did not completely understand what he was saying, but after reading it a few times more his message became clear to me, at least I think so.

He sent me a message that my mother had passed and that he had been at the nursing home today, and that it was very sad that she had passed, but it was also good.

I wrote back to him that the last few days I had been thinking of my mother and praying for her, that I had put a picture up, lit a candle and had put some lavender near her picture, since she loved the smell of lavender. That I had hoped my thoughts and prayers would help her somehow. I wrote that my mother had always found life difficult, that the disease had made it even more difficult for her and that I was certain she is in good place now and that God would say that she had been a brave girl.

He replied "Thank you for responding to me in a positive way. If you had a good relationship with your father, you could also say this to him. Unfortunately there is very little I can do for you, because of all the things that happened in the past. I will understand and respect your view. I wish you happiness and peace for the future."

Ehm ....

After reading it again a few more times I think uncle means something like this:
We all know you're a very unkind person.
I told you your mom was dying, but you didn't go see her. Now it's too late.
Your dad will not invite you to the funeral.
Too bad my attempt at shaming and guilting you didn't work. Will not bother you again. Goodbye.

I'm not one hundred percent sure, so other suggestions are welcome

At least it seems he won't bother me anymore.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oh, I'm sorry Mathilda.

Yeah, it does seem he's taking his parting shot. Even though he's trying so so hard to be the bigger person...  You didn't owe him any of the explanations or details of how you did in fact honor your mother in her last days. No thought of what you may be going through or WHY you might not have that good relationship with your father that would magically allow your uncle to "do anything for you."  The truth is you were kind and generous. Please take good care of yourself.

[Mathilda]

Thank you, Call me Cordelia

You didn't owe him any of the explanations or details of how you did in fact honor your mother in her last days.

No, but it seemed to me he was way more upset by her passing than I am, and I thought that telling him how I handled the grief, might be a comfort to him.

No thought of what you may be going through

I hadn't even thought of that. I worked very hard on myself, but apparently I still forget sometimes that I have a right to expect other people to also be considerate of my feelings. Still got some work to do.

Yeah, it does seem he's taking his parting shot.

I didn't want to respond at first, but I'm really done with these awful blame games.
So I replied this morning "Had there not been so much blaming and twisting the truth, the relationship would probably have been better. Right now, I don't see any options for improvement left. Wishing you all the best" to which he replied "thank you, perhaps we'll meet again" (no!)

I received the funeral card today. My name is not on the card, it only says "the family S." O well, I expected something like that.
There will be a private funeral service, that didn't come as a surprise either. My mom's body is laid out in the nursing home until next Tuesday. I've thought about going to the nursing home, but her room needs to be emptied within 7 days by the family, so I will definitely run into dad and brother. Well, I guess my mom probably couldn't care less whether I go see her dead body or not.

I bought a sympathy card for my dad. It was the second ugliest card the shop had  (the ugliest card had a huge black cross on the front). No pretty flowers, no colour, a simple white card with only "my deepest condolences" on the front. No need for a pretty card. Will post it tomorrow.

[Adria]

Dear Matilda,

I so get it, and feelings are still raw. However, I see his response as quite positive in some aspects.

He replied "Thank you for responding to me in a positive way."  He was thanking you because you responded with kindness, when you could have blown him off the way he did you in the past.

"If you had a good relationship with your father, you could also say this to him. Unfortunately there is very little I can do for you, because of all the things that happened in the past."  It sounds like he may wish things were different between you, but because of the awful things your father said, he feels caught and a bit helpless where you're concerned.

"I will understand and respect your view."  To me, it sounds like maybe he doesn't totally blame you for all the things because he respects your view, and wanted you to know that. A very nice gesture.

"I wish you happiness and peace for the future." He is bestowing a blessing on you and wishing you the best. Even though this may be the last time you have contact with each other, it was a very kind way to say goodbye. 

It's easy to think the absolute worst in these situations because that is how we have been treated, and maybe your feelings are absolutely right.  But, as ugly as things have been, and I know I don't understand all the dynamics of your situation, at least he did reach out to you. Nobody in my family ever contacted me when my parents were on their deathbed or even when they died.  It was quite devastating to realize that my whole family was that cold.

I would take the fact that he reached out and you had cordial correspondence to be a big win. If you can find it in your heart to look at it in a more positive light, it will be so much easier on you and help further your healing. I've learned to take the wins where I can get them. 

I don't know if this helps or not, but I am so sorry for everything you've been through. It is truly so unfair, and sooo hard! Hugs, Adria

[Mathilda]

"If you had a good relationship with your father, you could also say this to him. Unfortunately there is very little I can do for you, because of all the things that happened in the past."  It sounds like he may wish things were different between you, It sounds like he may wish things were different between you, but because of the awful things your father said, he feels caught and a bit helpless where you're concerned.

"I will understand and respect your view."  To me, it sounds like maybe he doesn't totally blame you for all the things because he respects your view, and wanted you to know that. A very nice gesture.

Yeah, that would be fantastic, wouldn't it.

But when I had my last phonecall with uncle J., 2 years ago, he totally blamed me for the bad relationship. He told me my dad had told him so many negative things about me, he felt an aversion against me. He shouted at me that he could see why they had so many problems with me. He called me tactless and when I told him dad would never take any good advice from me, he said it was because I lacked persuasiveness. It was all my fault. He insisted I'd go see dad and tell him I love him. When I objected he said "I can't help you, I really can't help you" (see the pattern?)
So no, I see why you think it could be nice, but it really isn't.

What does "I will understand your view" mean? You either understand or you don't. "I will understand" means nothing, it's just wordsalad.

[Mathilda]

But, as ugly as things have been, and I know I don't understand all the dynamics of your situation, at least he did reach out to you. Nobody in my family ever contacted me when my parents were on their deathbed or even when they died.  It was quite devastating to realize that my whole family was that cold.

Over the past 2 years I was wondering if maybe she had already passed. I wouldn't have been surprised if no one had told me. 
But .... My mom has died and he starts about my dad ....
So I'm wondering ... is this really about my mother? To me, it almost feels like he uses my mothers dying to try and force me into contact again with my father (his brother). He's never specifically asked me to contact my brother, with whom I am also NC. He's visited my mom in the nursing home several times, but he's never asked me to join him.

My dad is 92 and beside my brother and my uncle (who is 84), I'm not sure if there's anyone else who helps him. It feels like this is more about an obligation to stay in contact with my father, and about shaming and guilting me if I don't comply.

"If you had a good relationship with your father, you could also say this to him. Unfortunately there is very little I can do for you, because of all the things that happened in the past." 
I could say this to my father, had he invited me to the funeral . Which he hasn't. And uncle knew that. (Even if I had been invited, I wouldn't have gone btw)