Should I cut my losses or should they know?

[Maria Pia]

Hi Everyone,

So my backstory is that I relatively recently realized that my mom has somehow had hacked into my phone and had access remotely where she could hear private conversations through my phone's mic, read my text messages, social media, and I think there is also evidence of her actually breaking into my social media account.

The thing that concerns me most is that she had access to conversations between a relative who was supportive of me in my healing from childhood trauma. Unfortunately, I think this information was weaponized. Shortly after a conversation this relative initiated with me, my mom told me she went to this relative to talk to her about the same topic. To an unsuspecting person it would seem like I'm spilling the tea all over town.

Now, while this relative has been supportive of me in the past, I have sensed recently that this relative isn't as open to hearing about mental health talk and possibly has written me off as dramatic.

I think this person has a right to know if their conversation were spied on, but at this point, I'm not sure it's a good idea to tell them especially since my mom is untruthful and denies any wrongdoing.

I'm still trying to decide who to trust, so it's hard to know what to do right now. I don't want to tell this relative what's going on only for them to either gaslight me, or have this carried back to my mom via the grapevine and in turn have her retaliating against me and trying to ruin my life.

I'm erring on keeping silent, but something feels dishonest about it. But, the alternative, speaking up, definitely looks vengeful. Am I right to stay silent, even if that may cost me my relationship with my relative, or should I say something?

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Maria Pia,

I think that if this relative is in the fog, there won't be any point in talking to them. If you sense that they won't immediately believe you and take your side, I think the chances are you will do more harm to yourself than good. I would broach the subject if the person came to me to ask me specifically about it but otherwise I would keep silent. It's not dishonest; it's protecting yourself.

[Maria Pia]

Hi Maria Pia,

I think that if this relative is in the fog, there won't be any point in talking to them. If you sense that they won't immediately believe you and take your side, I think the chances are you will do more harm to yourself than good. I would broach the subject if the person came to me to ask me specifically about it but otherwise I would keep silent. It's not dishonest; it's protecting yourself.

Okay, that makes sense. I have certainly wondered about that. I guess I will cut my losses then. Thank you for your advice.

[NarcKiddo]

Keeping quiet is not dishonest.

I can see why you might want to tell this relative what seems to have been going on but unless you have hard evidence it sounds to me like you risk alienating them and, as you have said, them maybe telling your mother and blowing the whole thing up even more.

It is a great pity if your mother has managed to influence a previously supportive relative, but I agree with what WOBG has posted.

[Liketheducks]

I wonder if this relative is the one who told your mom all your details to begin with?  Maybe this relative, while supportive towards you on the surface, is really a flying monkey.  That would be my experience in my family.  I don't think there is really a point in telling them they might have been spied upon.  If you don't feel like they are 100% supportive of your healing....could they may very well be the one spilling all the tea.    In my case, my SIL was this.  I thought she had my back 100%.  She IS mostly very supportive and empathetic(still is) ...but was also making conversation by oversharing what I overshared with her.  People are humans and humans can make really stupid decisions for all kinds of reasons.

Prior to coming Out of the FOG, I was an open book about every detail of my life.  It didn't matter to me.  Now, I'm very careful about what I share and with whom.  I no longer trust anyone else more than I trust myself.  When I chat with someone else, I always assume someone is going to repeat it somewhere.

[Maria Pia]

Keeping quiet is not dishonest.

I can see why you might want to tell this relative what seems to have been going on but unless you have hard evidence it sounds to me like you risk alienating them and, as you have said, them maybe telling your mother and blowing the whole thing up even more.

It is a great pity if your mother has managed to influence a previously supportive relative, but I agree with what WOBG has posted.

I'm not sure what qualifies as hard evidence, but I received a security alert that someone from my mom' area hacked into my account. I have no connections to the area besides my mom who would be that invested in hacking me. For me, that is hard evidence, but I think I will still be careful since I don't want to stir the pot. I have other things that are just far too improbable to be coincidence as well (for example, my mom making direct quotes from my private conversations with various people not had on the phone within mins/hours of them occurring.this points towards her using my mic to eavesdrop.) And, after running the mathematical odds it turn out there is 1 in 10 billion chance only a few of the events that have occurred could happen by chance. I feel I had to do the math here since I can't trust my mom to tell the truth and absolutely nothing was making sense or adding up. For me it was a way to un-gaslight  myself. I think for her it was a fun way to mess with my brain.

 Now that I went no contact and stopped using the phone, no more crazy making is going on. And, my family actually panicked and started to hoover me en masse when I officially ditched it. Somehow they had some kind of knowledge that I wasn't using it anymore. I have virtually no relationship with certain people in my family who all of a sudden started to spam me with messages when I finally got rid of the infected phone. And no one was told at that time that I was no longer using it. I'll take that as confirmation.

[Maria Pia]

I wonder if this relative is the one who told your mom all your details to begin with?  Maybe this relative, while supportive towards you on the surface, is really a flying monkey.  That would be my experience in my family.  I don't think there is really a point in telling them they might have been spied upon.  If you don't feel like they are 100% supportive of your healing....could they may very well be the one spilling all the tea.    In my case, my SIL was this.  I thought she had my back 100%.  She IS mostly very supportive and empathetic(still is) ...but was also making conversation by oversharing what I overshared with her.  People are humans and humans can make really stupid decisions for all kinds of reasons.

Prior to coming Out of the FOG, I was an open book about every detail of my life.  It didn't matter to me.  Now, I'm very careful about what I share and with whom.  I no longer trust anyone else more than I trust myself.  When I chat with someone else, I always assume someone is going to repeat it somewhere.

I think you are definitely on to something. I think everyone in my family is in the fog, so I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that I have to let go of everyone. It's not been easy to come to terms with though.

[GoodPesto]

Hi Maria Pia,

I still feel for you and hope you're doing ok under the circumstances.
I agree with the others' opinion and for reason of your own safety would not inform the family member that your conversations had most likely been spied upon.
What you could communicate if you continue to feel the urge to say something is maybe something along the lines of ... I btw never shared a word about our talks with anyone and I thank you for having been there to talk to ... in whatever frame seems suitable.
This could give this person a chance to start doing his/her own math in case the invader brings or has brought up details she could impossibly know (given this family member trusts your word).
So it could serve the emotional purpose and keep you safe. I wouldn't connect it to any hopes to save someone or wake someone up to the truth though. This is apparently your abusive parent's realm, at this level of evil you win (=save yourself as much as possible) by not playing at all, I'd say.
In this regard I applaud you for having taken power back by how you handled the "not ditched phone". Best wishes

[moglow]

I have a bit of a mean streak - I'd be sore tempted to use the phone now and again and let them out themselves. Bait, if you will. Years ago I had a niggling feeling that mother was over sharing if not outright making things up, things I'd specifically asked that she not. So I set her up: concocted a story and askee that she please keep it just between us. She gobbled it right down - and a highly exaggerated version came back to me within a few days via a cousin I'd not heard from in years. Cousin denied mother had told her, even after I told her it couldn't have come from anyone else. Before the day was out mother called all upset that I'd made cousin mad at her. Well. Maybe you shouldn't have carried tales.

Moral of this story: I stopped sharing anything I wouldn't tell a stranger in the grocery checkout line.

For your situation? I'd take that as a lesson learned, suspicion confirmed, and I'd let those chips fall where they may. Some are good at playing the concerned parent and others feel obligated to help them. Flying monkeys don't always know they're being used, some genuinely mean well. My healing is my business, particularly where it concerns someone who has shown themselves to be untrustworthy or go all "but she's your mother" on me.

[SpiritedChange]

My thought is that the healthiest option is for you to cut your losses. If this relative hasn't been kicked out of the family system then you can be certain that he/she is not someone who can be trusted.

Something I have just started doing is chatting with ChatGPT about these kinds of quandaries. I have found it to be incredibly helpful in cutting through the FOG. And knowing that ChatGPT is unbiased has been huge for me.