My Spouse has CPTSD/BPD/ED

[FoggyNoggin]

Hello, everyone, I am so thankful I've been able to find a community like this!

As the title states, my wife has CPTSD/BPD/ED and our life together has been extremely difficult. We've been together for 13 years and married for 8 years. We have two children together, they are 1 and 3 years old, and I'm starting to struggle with keeping them safe from rage episodes & splitting. My wife's symptoms intensified after the birth of our first child and again after our second child. We are not having more kids.

My wife has started a DBT program,regular therapy, we're in marriage therapy together and she just returned from a month-long stay at an inpatient behavioral health facility. Needless to say, it didn't go well. The only positive thing to come out of her inpatient experience was getting her medication sorted, although they were still trying to tweak things when she left. She has been home with us for about a week and things seem to be worse between us. I'm so relieved I've found a community to bond with.

[notrightinthehead]

Welcome! You have found a good place! As a start - head over to the Toolbox and study the strategies described there. You might find them helpful in your future dealings with your wife. 
Looking forward to your contributions - I am glad you joined our journey of healing.

[Justify Leveaux]

I just found this community myself.  I really don't have anyone to talk to about this and have been talking to AI! lol. I certainly agree that this is an outlet that I am much in need of.  Your children certainly raise the stakes on this for you.  Living with someone with BPD has been very disorienting and confusing for me.  I begin thinking that I can manage the situation, even if only until I can find a viable path out of it, only to discover that it is worse than I thought.  I constantly hope for change and think it is coming and convince myself that it is coming yet I know that it is not. Anyway, know that you are not alone and that I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. 

[NemesisThrive]

@Foggy - you're in a very difficult situation and I can hear how much you want to understand this and gain peace. I'm still learning about PD's, but my mum experiences rages and splitting, and it's devastating and confusing to experience, so you have my empathy on this. Hopefully we can gain some stability and a way forward using the tools on this site. Sending a big hug.

[saralynn1113]

I am a lay person, but I think she may have even more than three things. Just the way you say rage episodes, sounds like my soon to be in 5 days, ex. He is a sociopath. I am sure he has narcissistic traits as well. When he is as he calls it "triggered" nothing is safe. Not me, not my things and not my pets. I fear for your children in these rage episodes, especially once they are older. I always thought he could change. But I have lost and been through so much, I KNOW that therapy wouldn't help him. You CANNOT fix what isn't there. He is missing basically a soul. He has no care for anyone other than himself. He does try to fake it sometimes, but I can finally see through it.

It's a horrible way to live, but I would consider everything she SAYS a lie and only consider the things she DOES. Mine said all the right things when necessary, but almost never DID the right thing. Also I wouldn't disregard what she says during an episode. I always told myself that he was just mad, he didn't mean it. After all, I think every person has said something they didn't mean when mad before. But for people like him, the only time he is truthful, is when he is mad.

It took a LONG time, but I finally understood that he did mean the things he said when in this state. I wouldn't wish what I have been through on anyone. Well maybe Hitler. I wouldn't have ever left while I thought there was a shred of hope, but I realized I was only lying to myself, by thinking that there was hope at all.

My eyes were closed. I did not want to believe or see it. Bipolar disorder, eating disorders, stress disorders....can all be managed and even cured to a large extent. This is great news for you, if that is all it is. I fear though, that that is exactly why you were told that that is all that it is.....so you would have hope and stay. My ex told me he had social anxiety disorder, instead of saying Anti-Social Personality Disorder or sociopathy. There is no cure or hope for sociopathy or disorders like it, so just please be sure it isn't that.

Evil is not how they portray it in the movies; black and white. True evil exists in shades of gray and it is here they live, to feed on your doubt that such a person could even exist.

[MaxedOut]

That is so tough FoggyNoggin. My ex has multiple diagnosed Axis 1 disorders and uBPD. I found that it was really important for me to have my own therapist, both for my wellness and for things like safety planning/discussion of the sort of stuff you mention. A couples/marriage counselor often has two "orientations" that can be difficult for PD-nonPD relationships. First, their role of default (and often personal priority) is to advocate/work for the relationship, rather than well-being of individuals. Second, their role framework typically used is one of creating mutual accountability, both-sides responsibility for difficulties, etc.

That makes sense for non-disordered partners where abuse isn't a major factor but can be pretty harmful when a PD, serious mental illness, and/or abuse is present. Plus PDs often have some traits that make couples counseling challenging (reactivity after sessions, NPDs charming the therapist, BPDs gaining sympathy from victimization framing, quitting abruptly because they don't like how things are going, etc.).

Have you had or thought about getting your own therapist? Aside from the couples counseling issues, partners go through A LOT, very much warranting the need for our own support.

[gcj07a]

FoggyNoggin,

So sorry you are dealing with this. THANK YOU for actively working to protect the kids. I grew up with a Borderline mom and my dad was entirely passive and just tried to avoid being home. The result was that I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused. My mom also (I am confident) has co-morbid C-PTSD. She was horrifically abused at her parents hands. I also developed C-PTSD as a result of the abuse I suffered, but I have been able to get on my feet after years of intensive therapy and work. Hang in there!