I'm back, with a new partner

[capybara]

Hi everyone,

I used to post a lot here about my BPD husband. Well, after 3 years of on-and-off couples therapy with 3 different therapists (one was great), I ended that relationship almost 6 years ago. The divorce was unpleasant, but he didn't outright lie about me and so it could have been much worse. I am in a much better place now.

Very soon after the separation, I reunited with someone from my past who I think has a lot of OPCD traits. Like my ex-husband, he's quite high-functioning. Unlike my ex-husband, he doesn't yell at me or pick fights or sulk. He'll criticize and make the same comments repeatedly, but when I do things my own way regardless, he accepts it. We do not live together.

My issue is actually that I want more time together and that doesn't happen for two main reasons. He works freelance and when he has a job, he is unwilling to make any other plans or commitments until it's done. I never know how long that will be, in part because of his perfectionism. The other issue is that I have kids and he will not stay over at my home when the kids are there, which is 6 nights a week at least. Of course, he's rigid in a lot of other ways so even when I make other suggestions, they usually don't work. We talk on the phone very often, but usually see each other once or twice a week. We do go away together in the summer for a couple of weeks.

I have tried over and over to talk about this. I have told him that I want to spend more time together, I have cried, I have told him how unhappy it makes me, I have (briefly) avoided him. I see some incremental change, but he will not really talk about it, and I don't see real change.

I don't want to give him an ultimatum, but I can't think of anything else to try. Does anyone have suggestions?

[square]

Hey capybara,

Sorry to hear you are dealing with this.

My thought is that this is the man you are with. You've made attempts to change things. You may have succeeded with a few incremental items. But that is who he is, and it won't really change.

If it's working for you, you can manage things with a two-fold approach. One is to set your own boundaries and remember that they are for you and not for him. They are not meant to change him but just manage your own life. They could look like these, for example:

When he is unresponsive, I won't chase him down anymore and just make plans with friends or work on my projects and hobbies

If I'm uninterested in having dates when he won't stay over, I'll decline the dates that don't involve that

I hate feeling like I'm waiting on him to be available, so when he "disappears" I will set my own date when I will check in. For example, instrad of calling every day to see if he's done with his project, I'll mentally assume he'll be busy all week and plan accordingly. I'll call Friday. And if he's still busy, I'll call next Friday. And if he calls Wednesday and I have plans, I won't drop them but tell him when I'm next free.

Etc.

And the other thing is avceptance. If things are working but a few things are annoying, either build boundaries as above, or accept them. Knowing he is just going to be like that, you can either protect yourself or roll with it.

Alternatively, if it's not working for you, life is short and he's just a boufriend ypu don't live with or have kids with. You can just move on, that's what dating is for.

[capybara]

Thank you, I think this is exactly what I need to hear.