Triggered tonight after ‘talking to ‘ by son

[Kaz1956]

My son and his wife shared some sensitive news with DH and myself a week ago. It was something they had also shared with her family and quite a few friends but not my son's siblings. I asked my son at the time, did he want me to tell them when we were speaking. He said ok at the time.

I didn't call the siblings but one of them surprised us with a visit from interstate yesterday and the other called while we were all together from overseas. It was therefore quite natural to then share the information. Both said they would make contact with their brother in the near future. I later sent a message to my son saying what had happened.

My son then called me and was pleasant but was upset at what I'd done. He said he would have told his siblings himself at some stage and also out of the blue accused me of sharing something else previously that he'd not been happy about last year. This was new information so I was pretty blindsided. I felt that I was being accused of being a gossip.

I apologised unequivocally for upsetting him and his wife and acknowledged his right to express his upset. I had thought that I'd been green lighted to share the information but understood what he was saying. The call ended ok but I've since felt devastated.

I'm the scapegoat in a family of two NPD parents and three out of four NPD siblings. I've raised a close and functional family and do a great deal for my adult children. I get called on a lot. I'm the 'go to' person and the anchor for the family. I'm close to my grandchildren and children. I've worked very hard for a long time to gain clarity, healing and peace from big family trauma.

I guess I feel triggered as in my FOO and to this day, I can find myself being told I'm responsible for problems in their lives I have zero to do with. I'm virtually NC with everyone except one nonPD brother.

I'm feeling that given there was miscommunication and no mal intent, couldn't it have just been let go rather than being told how I'd messed up like a naughty kid. It seems that if I stray outside my lane even now there are consequences that leave me feeling triggered and anxious.

It seems to me that everyone in the family has at one time or another shared information in just the same informal way this happened and no one blinks an eye. It feels as though I get zero tolerance and so it feels rather like the abuse from my FOO.

My son is a lovely person with a rather highly strung wife and my DH feels the phone call was at her instigation. I think he's probably right but I just feel flat, anxious and shamed, and sad that I feel so low and triggered.

Tomorrow's another day and I'll process more I guess and find my centre again.

I don't think there can be a conversation with my son about this, both of the sibling have been lovely and said not to worry; so I have to process and let the triggered feeling go I guess.

Even now, and at my age it seems that family trauma can be aggravated so easily.

[NarcKiddo]

It seems to me that you have done nothing wrong. You asked him if it was OK to share his news onwards. He said yes. Circumstances then arose (sooner than anyone anticipated) which caused you to share the news.

There could be all sorts of things at play. I don't know if your son and his wife shared this news with you in person, with both of them present, or maybe if your son unilaterally said it was OK to you, only to find from his wife that it was not OK with her. He could have called you to say that on reflection they would rather share their news personally so could you not share it after all. He didn't.

It was mean to bring the previous situation into play, given that was not mentioned at the time. And if he or his wife do think you are a gossip then even more reason for them to make it clear they do not want you sharing their news.

Whatever - it seems to me this is all on them. You have apologised for any misunderstanding on your part. That is all you need to do (I mean, even that is being extra gracious but it is probably better than getting annoyed with him for saying you could share and then changing his mind without telling you.)

I am sorry this is making you feel anxious and shamed. You have said you need to process this trigger, and you are right. But it really does seem to be a trigger from old FOO behaviour. Even if your son and/or his wife are annoyed with you it does not sound as if this is justified.

[Rebel13]

I agree with NarcKiddo. I don't think there's anything for you to blame yourself for here, and I'm glad you can see that your reaction is most likely an emotional flashback, at least in part.

The circumstances make me agree also about the motivation, that it was possibly your daughter-in-law who didn't want the information shared, but you weren't informed of that. This is good information to have, however. Under the circumstances I might set a boundary for myself of not sharing information about them with anyone. If your son wanted to tell his siblings, he could do that.

I also would like to offer an alternate interpretation -- good for you for raising a child who speaks up for himself. Even if his bringing it up with you is due to pressure from his wife, it's still something to be proud of that you created an environment for him to grow up in where he didn't feel like he had to stifle his own needs, and that you have a relationship with him such that he knows he doesn't have to worry about losing you for bringing up a touchy subject. I'd be really happy about all of that if I were you.

[Kaz1956]

Thanks for the validation and kind words. I agree with you Rebel13. We are normally a pretty open family but going forward there will be a hard boundary around information sharing.