When is it appropriate to just stop communicating with them?

TimetoHeal · June 07, 2025, 01:25:59 PM

Okay, I know I seem to be all over the forums lately. I have dealt with PDs in just about every relationship I have had, so I "fit in" to a lot of these categories, sadly. I have never posted here much about my abusive ex PDh, because we have been divorced for 13 years, separated 15, and mostly, that drama is behind me, thank God.

My question/dilemma currently is that my ex, who I share 2 grown 20-something children with, will periodically still call me. It is usually just to chat and share his woes because he has no friends, and his mother, who he was extremely enmeshed with, has passed away in the last couple of years. I have avoided talking to him as much as possible, but there are times we still need to communicate because of our kids, even though they are grown. For example, making plans for a birthday, graduation, etc. I hate to put all the work on my kids, even though they are adults now, because I know this upsets them, although I have made them responsible for continuing and carrying on a relationship with their dad (or not).

I had my ex on DND on my phone recently, because he will take advantage of talking to me one time about say, graduation plans, and then think that means he can keep calling whenever he wants. Well, my daughter got in a car accident (thankfully she is okay!) and I only knew about it because he called my home phone. I felt terrible that he couldn't get through to my cell about something so serious. So, I took him off DND. Now I heard through my son that exH was in the hospital one day this week because he fell due to his poorly managed health including out of control diabetes. I asked my son if he broke any bones, was he going to have to stay there awhile, and apparently, he is fine, they just kept him overnight for observation, he didn't break anything, and he was going home the next day. My son told me he told him to tell me he wanted me to call him. I chose not to because it was already late in the evening, and I was going through some crap and stress with my PD mother and felt I could only handle one of them at a time.

Since then, he has kept calling my phone and I keep ignoring it. I do no want to talk to him and hear about how pitiful he is. But, yes, I feel guilty. Sort of. Is it okay if I put him on DND again? I mean, when does this ever get to end? We are not even officially co-parenting any more.

My dd's birthday is next week, and already she is talking about us all going out to eat. Sigh...I had once set the boundary of not spending birthdays together anymore after they turned 18, but relented when both of my kids said it was very stressful for them to have to see us separately every birthday, especially with limited time off from work and such.

It just seems like it NEVER truly ends when you have kids together. And one day, maybe grandkids...Any body else in this stage of things? Or any thoughts in general? Thanks, if you've read this far!

Rebel13 · June 08, 2025, 12:28:11 AM

Hi TimetoHeal, I really feel for you. It sounds like such a stressful situation.

I am not a parent, but I read the blog ChumpLady quite a lot, and a lot of people discuss there about managing parenting after divorce. The strongest message there is that you get to arrange that in the way that takes the best care of you. You DO NOT have to share celebrations with your ex, let alone be in contact to organize them, especially now that your children are adults. If your children's time is limited, you can choose to celebrate with them when it is convenient for both of you, if you wish to. It doesn't have to be on the actual day, and you don't have to make them feel like they have to choose. If skipping a celebration once in a while is better for you than spending time or being in contact with your ex, you get to do that.

You can also set boundaries about how and when your ex contacts you. For example, you could accept texts in the case of an emergency, like your daughter's accident, but send all calls to voicemail. Again, it is completely up to you, to do what is best for you.

I wish you the best in figuring this out.

xredshoesx · June 08, 2025, 08:59:36 AM

time to heal i feel you greatly-

it's like you are still the only adult between you and your ex and it takes a lot of grace to do what you have done for your kiddos. I think it's ok to put your ex back on DND on your cell as a boundary. as far as the birthday issue- can you come in time for dessert (ie order without me but I'll be there in time for the cake or whatnot?) just to limit your time together but at the same time support your kiddos????

I agree- you may be exes with grown kids but adulthood does not sever that tie completely. again, I commend you for trying to extend the olive branch for your kids.

SeaBreeze · June 08, 2025, 11:48:43 AM

I've been NC with first ex-uNPDh several years. Divorced when DD was 3, stopped speaking to him around DD's 20th bday when it struck me that I no longer needed or wanted to speak to him ever again. DD, now 30, has chosen as an adult to go VLC with her father, which helps reduce any opportunities to come into his sphere. But if I were to bump into him, I'd remain civil, polite, and medium chill.

On the other hand, I'm currently VLC with 2nd ex-uNPDh (married 25 years, left him 2 years ago) and then it's strictly been by text message the past year. Two of my three adult kids still have a decent relationship with him, and I'll be bumping into him a few months from now at a family event to which we've both been invited, so I figure VLC paired with medium chill is the best approach for now.

I just sort of organically have learned when, where, and how much contact is needed with both ex-uNPD spouses as life moves along. My suggestion is to continue using the tools as needed, and you will know what is appropriate and best for you and your evolving situation.

SeaBreeze · June 08, 2025, 01:30:55 PM

Wanted to add -- before I went NC with first ex, communicating w/him to facilitate his random, sporadic visitation with DD while she was growing up -- he would randomly call me, every few years, drunk and crying over his latest breakup. (I was his first wife; 30 years later he's on his 5th marriage. So I received a few of these calls!) Once the fog lifted, I realized he was turning to me, not for advice or support, but for narcissistic supply and free emotional labor. Just something to keep in mind when you get those random "woe is me, you're my only friend" calls in the middle of the night (or day)...

TimetoHeal · June 09, 2025, 01:21:31 PM

Thank you all!

Rebel,
I'm going to have to check out ChumpLady. It sounds like she's got some great advice! I wish I could figure out a way to send all of just his calls to voicemail. I could do that on my Android, but it's a bit trickier on an iPhone. May be time for a new phone!!

red shoes,
I really like the idea of setting limits on the time we spend together for celebrations. I think since my daughter is going to be staying with me all weekend next weekend, I am going to say they can go out to eat with their dad and when she comes back, we can have cake together.

SeaBreeze
You are 100% right about him calling for narcissistic supply! He is a carbon copy of my mother, in that he will call and talk AT me, not with me, for as long as he can possibly keep me on the phone! He definitely doesn't want advice or solutions, he wants supply. And I'm done.

I so regret going back on the boundary I set. It's time to re-set it and stick to it! And set new ones around phone calls!

Rebel13 · June 10, 2025, 04:08:19 PM

Good luck and be strong! You deserve to protect yourself from being used and abused.

TimetoHeal · June 11, 2025, 02:15:07 PM

Quote from: Rebel13 on June 10, 2025, 04:08:19 PMGood luck and be strong! You deserve to protect yourself from being used and abused.

Thank you so much, Rebel!

There has been a new development in that my ex is unable to drive right now due to his health. So, it looks like there will be no dinner after all. Whew. I am afraid my dd is going to ask me to borrow my car (she totaled hers recently) to drive to see him or ask me to drive her to see him. Both of those are going to have to be a hard "no" from me. I'm sorry if she won't get to see him for her birthday and Father's Day, but that's just unfortunately how it is right now. She can go see him on another day when she gets a new vehicle.