Trying to Co-parent with spouse and teenage daughter with undx'ed BPD.

magikateball · June 08, 2025, 11:42:03 PM

Hey all,

I'm a 44 year old trans woman, currently still maried, going through divorce, with the aim to co-parent for the forseeable future due to financial constraints.

Spouse likely has BPD... she frequently flips between I'm "perfect" and "horrible". During a discussion the other night when I called her out on critizing me she melted down, and after half an hour of not understanding why an appology was needed because she "didn't intend to", she eventually melted down further and admitted she doesn't like apologizing because admitting she did something wrong means she's a terrible person."

Meanwhile, we have 2 kids... an 11 year old son, and a 15 year old daughter. The daughter is ahead academically, but struggling socially. She likely has both autism and ADHD. I've watched her meet up with a friend she hadn't seen in over a year and just start showing off a toy she got from McDonald's Happy Meal... No "Hi"... No "Hey (name)... Just immediately "look it goes..." and playing with the toy.

My situation is that the daughter has been struggling to complete tasks at home, do things other than spend 8 hours watching YouTube, etc. And if I try and correct her, she immediately starts calling her mother telling her how I'm "being mean" to her.

There has litterally been days when she's melted down because I asked her to go on a bike ride together. A melt down she took to the other parent to cry about how I treated her.

So the other night I was trying to get a bug out of the back hallway, I didn't know she was in the adjacent bathroom. I had been using a leafblower on the porch and I thought it was worth a try... so I started trying to blow this large moth out. She screamed saying "why would you do this to me???" And I, as well as my son... both refuted that allegation, saying I didn't even know she was in there... it wasn't intentional. She continued to talk loudly, at the verge of yelling... complaining about it repeatedly. So I told her to "simmer down". Immediately she proceeded to explain why she was complaining, and I told her "I don't want or need an explanation, I just want you to simmer down." And she started saying she wasn't yelling or such... on and on... again in a high-strung, high-pitch, high-volume voice. So I repeated again... "(daughter), simmer down."

At that point she went upstairs to her room to complain to her mother about the situation... her mother was at work (and I'm pretty sure it's against work policy for her to be on the phone at all)... She called me about the issue, I told her what happened, and I told her *she* needed to come talk to me if she's got a problem.

So eventually we did resolve it. We watched the Barbie Movie and we had a good time, she was snuggled against my shoulder, and completely happy.

Next morning i'm getting ready for a pride parade. They'd gone out to get daughter's hair cut. I was seated in my office chair with a towel and underwear on... back facing the door. They walked in unannounced, then left together. Soon-to-be ex-wife returned to criticize me for being half-dressed and how "uncomfortable" it made daughter. To which I pointed out that she was the one with an issue... she denied this, which was a lie. I called her out on the lie, and she doubled-down on it. An hour later she did fess up to lying about it. But in the meantime, daughter never apologized. I told her how hurtful it was to hear these things from her, and she said "well, they're these things called 'feelings' and I was just expressing them.

So again... we see this flipping, and this black-white treatment... the complete inability to apologize... she also seemed completely confident that she had no reason to apologize because she didn't "mean to".

I've been feeling lately like there's *nothing* I can safely say to either of them... And they're going to continue feeding each-other, and continue spreading false allegations to other family members. I was pretty pissed off today, I had to go to the pride parade alone... and it was also my best-friend's birthday party. And they knew these things... and they seemed to have chosen this day. The last two times I've gone to a party, one New Years and the other my friend's birthday party last year, the wife has blown up both times. She's jealous that I have friends. During the New Years fight she hit me in the face twice, and threatened to call the cops saying "You made me hit you"... She eventually got an OP and I spent 6 weeks on the street as a result, until I could fight off the baseless allegations.

Mind you, I have multiple disabilities... Crohn's, Hemipeligic Migraines, Narcolepsy, HKPP, and POTS. The latest one is new, and it means I collapse / pass out quite often these days... Most I've had is twice in one day, probably over 20x this past month. These episodes trigger my hemipeligic migraines, which means when I fall I can't usually speak, move any muscles, even my eyes, for an hour or more. If I fall in a bad spot, I'm fucked. I spent 3 days in hospital just last week.

And the other thing adding to all of this, I have a large family who are entirely unsupportive. Mainly, because my mother is a narcissist and they put her on a pedestal... have actually told me in writing that if she wanted me to comit a felony I should, because "mom know's best"... And "mom" doesn't want to "enable" me... so she deliberately withholds aid or assistance to try and pressure me to get a job or something... IDK. I have an at-home business which has been quite sucessful. When I spent 6 weeks on the street in the dead of winter in Northern IL, she refused to let me come home. She did, however... invite my soon-to-be-ex-wife in to stay.

I'm at the end of my rope... I'm starting to not give a damn about anything because it doesn't really matter what I do or say... everyone is going to say cruel things to me, and about me.

I have no idea how the hell to get out of this situation. We don't have the funds to fully seperate.

TimetoHeal · June 09, 2025, 01:35:24 PM

magikateball,

I am so sorry you are in this very stressful situation. Although my situation is different, I can definitely relate to having several PD people in your life, (ex)spouse, parent, extended family, etc., as well as having health issues that make it difficult to be independent and easily leave.

The best advice I have is that you need to use your limited energy to better the situation for yourself and take care of yourself. That's great that your at-home business is doing well! Do you also qualify for disability or any benefits that would supplement your income? It might be worth looking into. I would set boundaries around the communication and interaction you will have with your soon to be ex in the home. Is there enough room you can have your own room/floor/space somehow? Can you set certain hours she can talk to you or interact with you. I'm not gonna lie, it's hard to set boundaries even when you live separately, so it's not going to be easy living together. And parenting a teenager is tough under the best of circumstances. You've got a rough road ahead of you.

But hopefully it will give you some freedom and direction to let go of thinking you can change your soon-to-be-ex, your daughter, or your mother, or what they think about you. Let that go completely. Focus on yourself. Your health, your business, supportive friends if you have them, finding them if you don't, and researching any and all resources that might better your circumstances to where you can get away to your own space.

I'm rooting for you!

magikateball · June 09, 2025, 01:59:19 PM

Thanks TimetoHeal,

Yeah... I have disability already fortunately. The business was originally intended to supplement our household income while my wife took nursing classes. She managed to fail the first nursing school, I think she's on her 3rd? And because she didn't handle it correctly with her employer, due to how she was supposed to be reimbursed but didn't qualify due to errors she made, we lost out on $20,000. It's put us in a hole I'm still trying to dig us out of.

Because of that, seperation becomes quite difficult. A full divorce would require we split the equity in the house. We have $80k in equity, which would mean $40k for each of us. However... I don't currently qualify for a HELOC or cash-out refinance due to our current finacial situation. We got a $6k tax refund a month ago and she blew more than half of it on shopping and fast food within a month... And as she stated "she wanted to feel good". Ugh.

So I've been working on trying to seperate the finances better... which isn't easy. A bunch of the accounts like the utilities are currently in her name. And of course, I don't have the spoons to deal with this kind of stuff.

This morning I checked my email to find out she'd changed my contact number on my hospital login to hers, making logging in myself impossible as I didn't own the number the 2FA was changed to. I just spent an hour straightening that out, and trying to lock down any other possible means she has of accessing that info or other accounts I have. And I'm revoking access she'd had to my laptop she'd been using for classes and ensuring my desktop is locked down tighter.

She has in the past stolen my credit cards out of my wallet to buy $100's on mobile games... Never apologized. After the 2nd time she simply responded with "But it's been a long time since I did that!" as if that made it "OK".

Seperation is also really difficult because I don't have any control over my health issues, and I've been collapsing nearly daily, sometimes more than once. And once I collapse I'm paralyzed for an hour or more, so I'm kinda fucked if I fall somewhere dangerous, or in a way that restricts my airway. I had a friend from HS die that way during a diabetic coma.

She hasn't spoken to me in 2 days now... which honestly is a relief. But I gather she's plotting. I suspect gaining access to my medical records was an attempt to find something to use against me in terms of maintaining shared custody over the children.

Yesterday she apparently called my mother and had her pick up my daughter, and not a one of them told me anything. So my daughter left the house with my mother without my knowledge or permission. When it comes to divorce proceedings, I plan on spelling that out, that she has shown no intent to follow the guidelines therein. Not to mention, criticizing me in front of our children... that's also against the guidelines of the divorce paperwork.

TimetoHeal · June 10, 2025, 01:57:12 PM

Oh, magikateball, I really feel for you. This stuff is no joke even when you are feeling "up to it", and it sounds like your medical issues are really significant.

I am glad you say you have divorce papers in place. Is that the same thing as a separation agreement? It's been years since I've done this, but my ex and I had something like that in place that spelled out exactly what each was supposed to do or not do. If you do have this, keep meticulous notes about every time that she violates the agreement. This will help you if/when you come to court and more formal settlements. I remember my lawyer saying whatever goes on during the separation phase sets the stage for what the judge will order in the final divorce.

I think you are doing great at separating the things you can and denying her access to things like your laptop. Take one baby step at a time like that.

Also take care of yourself the best you can. Little things like a soak in a hot bath, a nap, a good book, fresh air can go a long way for mental and physical health. You will need your strength because this is a marathon, not a sprint. Hugs.