Hitting himself

[Trinity85]

Not sure if I am committed to working on it or separating and divorcing. I feel in my heart that the right thing is to leave but it's been so long - lots of water under the bridge and there is good mixed in with the bad. Writing this late my time - I am struggling to sleep - I am troubled by something that happened and curious what you all might think.

Lately I have been having some health issues and overall, he has not dealt well with it. His friends have commented on this, essentially noticing that he has not been there for me. It seems he wants me to give him a pass for this, but I have not done so. About a week or so ago, we had a conversation about his behavior - it was unrelated to my health issues, just something else he had done that I found upsetting but had been reluctant to bring up. As is typical, he didn't handle the conversation well; he doesn't like being called out on his unacceptable behavior. I am mentioning this only because of what happened later that evening.

That night, I woke up in severe pain. I woke him up and he tried to comfort me and get me medicine. As the pain started to go away, and I thought we would be able to get back to sleep, he hit himself in the head. This is not the first time he has hit himself but usually it is due to some frustration outside of our relationship. I found the timing of this deeply upsetting. There has been one other instance of him hitting himself in the context of our relationship that was also troubling; he was ill and when I went to comfort him by rubbing his arm, he hit himself.

I don't know what to think of this behavior and I am not sure how or if I should talk to him about it. Just wondering if anyone had experienced anything similar.

[GoodPesto]

Hi Trinity85,

I can relate to your post, I don't quite know what to say though. I know how deeply upsetting it is to witness this, a former boyfriend reacted this way sometimes when frustrated. I was young, shocked and didn't know what to do in those situations and never dared to talk to him about it. What I concluded back then was that he copied his father's behaviour who had beaten him in similar situations when he was young. It seemed like he couldn't help it and continued the abuse, quick to attack himself verbally and sometimes even physically. Today I imagine I would be able to shake him conscious and urge him to stop but that's a bit of a fairytale idea where we end up hugging feeling sorry for the troubled boy inside and both cry for his fate and it would never going to happen again ... Closer to the truth is probably that he would not have had the capacity to emotionally go there but would have made fun about it afterwards.
It must be even harder to witness this behaviour connected to the relationship, I am sorry this happened, I know it feels awful. I don't have any advice but I can let you know you're not the only one who has experienced this.

[blunk]

My BPDxh would hit himself, usually when something was overwhelming. The way it was explained to me is that the mental / emotional pain in that moment is so great that the individual causes themself physical pain to distract them from the mental / emotional pain. I have also heard it described as a way of taking control, again the emotional pain is uncontrolled, but the physical pain of hitting and/or cutting oneself is something over which they have control.

I can't say if this is the case for your husband, especially since it seemed to happen as the issue was resolving (pain going away), or when you were offering him help. I do feel for you, it is an extremely scary thing to witness, and I can imagine it is even more so when you don't know why it is happening.

[Trinity85]

Thank you @GoodPesto and @blunk. It's good I am not alone with this. Indeed it is scary and upsetting. I have become better at expecting/predicting his behavior but this still surprised me. I know he is broken, and I am not.

[sunnyday]

i have also experienced this, with this being a newer manifestation as something that has begun over the past few weeks to maybe a month and a half at most. while going through a breakdown, probably around 3-5 times total he has closed-fist hit himself on the tops of his thighs repeatedly. the past couple times, i had to physically restrain him to prevent him from hurting himself. also, during those times when i would attempt to stop him he would try and hit himself in the head. this is to the point of leaving moderate bruising and broken blood vessels due to the extremity and speed of his hits. i spoke to the therapist that runs the support group i attend, and was told that this likely manifests as a subconscious way to force me to intervene and comfort him. this behavior is typically triggered when i try and disengage, so i believe this to be true on top of a desire to punish oneself for perceived wrongdoing or worthlessness.

[1footouttadefog]

That is messy. 

I had a friend who was a deeply troubled person due to childhood sexual abuse and other abuse. 

He likely had BPD and was bipolar.  As a teen and young man he did self harming.  He said that the physical pain released endorphins that caused the emotional pain spiral to complete and he could then. Be in a state of numbness then reset. 

I can also see this as potentially a self punishment in some cases or a ploy for attention.  Another thought that comes to mind is the possibility of a lot of past pain being triggered by current events and sort of rein acting physical abuse as a way to move past or complete a script of some sort.

Regardless it's abnormal and indicates that the individuals need help that is above most of our pay grade.  I hope he finds therapy or medical / psychiatric help. 

Inal sorry you have to deal with this especially at a time when you could use some care yourself.  And that being said, please practice self care you deserve it.

[MaxedOut]

My exUBPDw would do this, sometimes within my view, sometimes outside of it. She'd also get injuries from kicking/hitting things and would overdose and would occasionally bang her head against walls. Sometimes it seemed to be about stopping emotional pain/overwhelm. When wall-banging head or taking pills she would sometimes mention more trying to knock herself out (she has bipolar as well and that would tend to be during episodes). Sometimes it seemed more about showing me how much pain she was in or getting reactions from me.

I don't have any words of wisdom. It just sucks. Similarly my ex had a number of other health issues going on and was not dealing well with them. From what I hear she has been doing better with those-I suspect in part because she doesn't have someone to blame/vent about it to daily and was faced with taking some control or just being miserable without the emotional release.