Looking for tools on how to move past FOO's smears on my character

[footprint33]

NPD parents and brothers have smeared me through the roof over the years. Some of those smears have fallen flat on their faces because I went on, moved on with my life and have done quite well with my own family and in my own pursuits, and those smears were about how I would not finish things, such as a graduate degree, which I then went on to complete with flying colors (once I realized my parents were NPD back around 2010, I stopped telling them anything significant about my life, so they just assumed I was not excelling when in fact I was). I know that they tried to paint me as a complete failure behind my back, and do feel some satisfaction in that the facts speak for themselves on that front.

Still, I know that they've told other smears and lies about me that I'll probably never be able to "prove" as wrong. For example, they might say that I'm just generally an unstable person or that I'm a "bad person." This is a type of smear that I can't counter as well as one that I can such as the ones about never finishing my graduate work.

I'm most interested in learning how to psychologically move past FOO's smears and not care what people think of me, because I think that while my concerns about FOO's smears on my character are related to the injustice of what they're saying, they're also related to a broader care that I have about what people think of me. My parents engineered me from a young age to be a people pleaser and caretaker, and to present myself as the "good girl." If one were to know the true details of my life, they would see that I was a very good person and took care of my parents and brothers for years. Since going VLC and then NC, I know I've been painted as a very bad person by them, and so need to work past caring if there are people who believe them and think I'm bad.

Thank you for any advice, practical tools, or anecdotal stories about how to move past the smears.

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[walking on broken glass]

Hi footprint,

I am not sure I have good advice for you but I am dealing with a similar situation. My dad died recently and since then my mum and sister have become truly enmeshed. The person with BPD in my life was my sister and I had always been her favourite target (obsession, jealousy, tantrums, all of the repertoire) but after my dad's death I discovered that my mum had turned into another version of my sister. My sister feeds her all sorts of lies about me and my mum has bought them wholeheartedly. I am sure that my sister has smeared me to other members of the extended family too.

It is very upsetting and I don't think there is an easy way not to care. Of course we are going to care about what other people that we grew up with and were perhaps fond of think of us. At the same time, it's a good test to see who has the emotional maturity to see through this and support you (in my case probably no one lol). I have started mourning the relationship I thought I had with my mum and also the loss of other members of the extended family that are in the FOG. It's a lot. But in a way I always knew I was on my own in this family because no one really ever supported me or cared to ask for my perspective. They had made up their minds about the family situation before the smear campaign had even started. So yeah, the injustice of it all still makes me really sad and angry but at the same time I don't need them. When I was little and I needed them, they weren't there for me. Now that I am a grown up, I don't need their validation and acceptance. There is no genuine emotional connection and caring, and they have willingly rushed to judgements that people who know me much less than they do would never make. Focus on the wonderful life you have built, your friends, your network, the people who get to know they real you, and love you for who you are. What they think - that's important and you can care about that! But don't waste energy on caring about people's views who are so decidedly outside your life.

[footprint33]

This is such a thoughtful response, Walking on broken glass, thank you! I like how you validate that it's ok to care or feel bad about how these people dropped us and believed the lies, but that their believing in those things without ever trying to ask us or understand our perspective really points to their own deficiencies:

Of course we are going to care about what other people that we grew up with and were perhaps fond of think of us. At the same time, it's a good test to see who has the emotional maturity to see through this and support you (in my case probably no one lol).

This quote that you wrote also hits home with me:

"But in a way I always knew I was on my own in this family because no one really ever supported me or cared to ask for my perspective. They had made up their minds about the family situation before the smear campaign had even started."

I also felt very alone as a child, and nobody stood up for me. I would say that the smears actually started when I was little because even though I was a good kid, FOO would still call me "difficult," especially to extended family members. Nobody else in our social network would describe me as "difficult" and would in fact say I was a sweetheart. Teachers I had in school even asked how it was that my two brothers and I were related because my brothers created a lot of problems in the classroom and I was a good kid. FOO no doubt called me "difficult" in part because I would from a young age question their unjust and immoral actions, putting them on the spot. After their atrocious treatment of me following the birth of my first child, they clearly smeared me to some of the same people (especially extended family members) who had always heard that I was "difficult" since I was a little girl. So years later when FOO smeared me, they could just say, "as we've been saying, she was always difficult" and know that they'd created a belief system in the family around that lie. 

Like you, I've basically taken care of myself and built my own world, so I totally don't need any of their validation. I know that the key is to focus on the present, the beauty I've created. Sometimes rumination seeps in, however. I will try to focus on the present.

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[bloomie]

footprint33 - it is painful to be maligned and misunderstood. It is natural to want to prove them wrong, set the record straight.

Learning to be at peace with being misunderstood, maligned, to mentally move to a place of choosing what we offer our emotional/spiritual energy to is the only way I know to gain freedom from the specter of what others are saying or doing.

There are two books that champion the concept of letting go of actions, words, behaviors of other people.

Here is a link to a podcast where Mel Robbins unpacks this powerful tool and outlines the concepts found in her book: Let Them which I have read and highly recommend.

Podcast: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P91b4civBxA

I have also read The Art of Letting Them, by Cassie Phillips and highly recommend it. 

That doesn't mean you don't recognize the hurt, harm and injustice of it all, but that you choose to Let Them do and say what they are going to do and say, which you and I have zero control over anyway, and you choose what you give your time and attention to. And you choose and prioritize your peace. 

 

[xredshoesx]

I have to echo @bloomie's suggestion of the let them book-  we can't control what others say about us....but we can control how we react and respond.  thinking of you today-

[footprint33]

Thank you for these references, Bloomie and xredshoesx. I have read neither Let Them by Mel Robbins nor The Art of Letting Them and am ordering Let Them today. These books look as if they address the exact issue I'm dealing with.

Thanks so much!

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[Liketheducks]

I absolutely love the Art of Letting them. 

If they say bad things about you, let them.  In the moment, it stings.  But, the truth always comes out eventually. 

When I was in the midst of distancing myself....it was incredibly difficult.  I felt like the worst human on the planet.  Worst daughter, worst sibling.  And, everything my FOO said to me as I was not moving into the role they all expected of me, stung. 

After awhile of working on my own healing...my SIL (the flying monkey at the time) started in with the "but she's your MOTHER" and "How do you sleep at night?"  And, I snapped.  I responded....I sleep Nekkid so ya'll can more easily kiss my backside.  They no longer go there with me.  I don't have this strength everyday, but I know I am the captain of my own happiness. 

[Rebel13]

And, I snapped.  I responded....I sleep Nekkid so ya'll can more easily kiss my backside.

This is fantastic! I might have to get it printed on a t-shirt.

There's a quote I love from the blogger Captain Awkward:
"Sometimes you gotta choose what's safest and least painful for you and let other people tell the stories that they need to tell about why you did it."

[TimetoHeal]

And, I snapped.  I responded....I sleep Nekkid so ya'll can more easily kiss my backside.

This is fantastic! I might have to get it printed on a t-shirt.

I vote for a group t-shirt that has this on it!

[walking on broken glass]

 

[Sidney37]

I agree with just letting them say what they say.  It's easier for me to do that because I no longer live in my hometown.  I'm several states away.  Are you nearby?  But I won't say that it isn't hard.  It's so very hard to just let it go and know that they are doing it. But you can't win against someone who will smear like it's their full time job.

Someone, I think here, once told me that if one of the terrible things gets said to me directly like "Your mom said you did" X, Y and Z. that it was totally reasonable to tell the truth or defend myself.  Don't let the lie and smear stay right there hanging in the air. It does seem like it's true if I don't respond in that situation. 

But I shouldn't run around trying to stop the smear campaign. They posed hateful untruths about me on social media.  I refrained from posting anything about them.  I was no contact and no longer social media friends with them but my husband and some of his family members were at the beginning of my NC so they knew and told me. My dad was retired and working part time in a public facing role at a business that lots of my high school friends, teachers, former co-workers, etc. had been in at one time or another over the past few years. He probably told every person he saw some version of the smear campaign.  Just a few people reached out to me to see what was going on and when asked, I told them the truth. 

I know my mom's smear methods and she probably used the same on me.  When she quit (lost) a job several years back, she went to every adjacent company, every vendor, every contact that her old boss had and smeared that boss to everyone who would listen.  The boss was a childhood friend of my mother's and they started working together in middle age.  And still she went to every plumber, electrician, town politician, etc. to smear this person.  I was shocked, but then realized what she was like and capable of. 

But I have had to accept that I might never go to my hometown again.  I might never go to a high school reunion because my parents have told so many of my high school classmates their lies and smears about me.  I have to accept that I have a new life, so to speak, that started when I went NC. 

Part of the smear is that the reason I am NC is because I am now "rich" and "too good for them".  I grew up in a poor area of the country and now live in an area of the country that is known for a higher cost of living.  So they can say this to everyone and many people will believe it just because they know where I live now.  I know the truth is that the hateful things that they have said and done are the reason I am NC. I know that I lived here for 15 years or more before I went NC.   I'd be NC no matter what my zip code was.   

But what I'm trying to say is that I've come to peace that I can't control what they say.  I can't control what others believe.  I can only control my behaviors and maybe, just maybe, one day someone in my hometown or my church will reach out to me and say that they never believed the stories my mother was telling. 

I haven't read those books either.  I'm going to order them today, too.  Thanks for sharing those recommendations.

[Tribe16]

Part of the smear is that the reason I am NC is because I am now "rich" and "too good for them".  I grew up in a poor area of the country and now live in an area of the country that is known for a higher cost of living.  So they can say this to everyone and many people will believe it just because they know where I live now.  I know the truth is that the hateful things that they have said and done are the reason I am NC. I know that I lived here for 15 years or more before I went NC.   I'd be NC no matter what my zip code was.   

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this. It's good that you realize you have no control over what they say/do, only having control over yourself. I get that it still stings though. There is probably some confession from them in those accusations that they are projecting.

My mom accused me of being obsessed with money. My DH and I are so middle class, middle middle middle average. She accused me of wanting to impress people. I was confused and it took me awhile, but I realized (through comments and observations of my kids) that those were her characteristics, not mine. She couldn't understand why my husband couldn't take a job at half his salary so that we could stay near her. How selfish of us.

I am always reminded of Dr Seuss and his saying, "The people who mind don't matter, and the people who matter don't mind." It's something I live by now.

[Rebel13]

I realized (through comments and observations of my kids) that those were her characteristics, not mine.

Right? Every accusation by a narc is really a confession.

[footprint33]

But I have had to accept that I might never go to my hometown again.  I might never go to a high school reunion because my parents have told so many of my high school classmates their lies and smears about me.  I have to accept that I have a new life, so to speak, that started when I went NC.

Thank you, Sidney, and this is my situation too. I live thousands of miles away from them, about as far away as could be. And that distance has been a blessing. Still, the state they live in has beautiful natural environment with places I experienced when I was younger and would like to show my children. But it's looking less and less as if my children will ever see those places, at least not until they are adults, because they are both well into their teenage years at this point.

I haven't been to their home, nor the state they live in, since I was pregnant with my first, which was back in 2008, so we're talking almost 17 years. That means that I also haven't experienced any high school reunions, hometown visits, etc.

Sidney and Tribe--I think that maybe some NPD people have fixations with money. I was in a traumatic car accident years ago. It's a long story that I've written about on here before. But one thing that happened was I sustained major head trauma with 3 skull fractures and a hematoma. My ex boyfriend was driving and 3 eye-witnesses all said that he had run a red light. But my father instructed me not to sue him, which I did not (since my father told me not to). I would have gotten a lot of money had I sued, but I did not, and the boyfriend went on to do horrible things to me after the accident, cheating on me and telling me I was "damaged goods" and "old" right after my 30th birthday. In any case, the point about money is this: when I was recovering from the accident, I made very quick strides and people were saying I was a miracle. Half of my face was paralyzed due to the trauma, but even that recovered. One day, my father was talking about the accident and I said, "I won the jackpot of life," meaning that I had miraculously survived and had my life when I should not have. But my father got very angry and immediately said something like, "You should not be thinking about money you could get from this situation. You are just lucky." I was very perplexed because I wasn't thinking about money at all.

As Rebel13 emphasizes above: "Every accusation by a narc is really a confession." My father was the one thinking about money after my accident, not me. And he purposefully led me not to receive money after the accident. He is a lawyer, so knows full well the severity of my case and the legal ramifications of it. Later down the line, another lawyer said to me that he'd never seen a father, let alone a father who was a lawyer, mistreat his daughter's legal situation so badly after such a massive accident.

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