Is this normal?

[Bird78]

My relationship with my bf ended 6 days ago. I've been trying to end it for weeks but he refused to leave. By making me evict him. He didn't take it well, to say the least.

I tried to deescalate the situation by avoiding him when I could. Not engaging in arguments or reacting when he was purposely trying to provoke me. It didn't matter what I did, he was determined to have my attention any way he could.

trigger warning

He left 6 days ago because I was trying to not engage and walk away, he refused to let me. He pushed me to the ground, tried to force physical intimacy, and after I was able to get loose he head butted me when I refused to return his kisses. He was able to get to my phone before me. He quickly packed his things in my car, while I sat quietly with an ice pack on my forehead. He returned my phone right before he walked out the door. He got pulled over a couple days later, right as he was leaving the state.

The first couple days after kinda blended together. I had a couple friends stay with me for the first couple nights, I was afraid he would come back. We also spent a significant amount of time those first couple days searching my house for hidden cameras, because we found one hidden in the fireplace in my living room. We found one more in the bedroom.

But now that he's in jail, my friends have gone home, and I'm alone; I feel kinda lost. I've been alone for 2 days now and I don't know what to do with myself. I don't have work this week (I'm a driver for a work crew and they all went to a convention this week). I used to have hobbies but basically quit doing them because he would get upset I spent all my time on that. I don't watch t.v. I can only clean the house so much.

I keep telling myself that I can't possibly miss him. Right? I wanted out so badly. Everyday was so stressful. Not knowing if he was going to have a good day or a bad day. Not knowing if something I said or did was going to set him off. How could I miss that? Do I really miss the chaos and turmoil? I don't understand. And I keep crying. Why do I keep crying?

I should be relieved. I should be happy that I can breathe again. That I don't have to text him constantly. I don't have to analyze everything I say to ensure it doesn't hurt his feelings. I can go to the gas station by myself. I don't have to explain what I'm doing, or if I'm talking to my mom, or my friend. Right? I should feel like a weights been lifted. Why don't I? Has anyone experienced this? Does anyone know why? Or what I can do to change it? Please??

[square]

That sounds like a lot to go through and I'm relieved he is gone.

Your feelings are perfectly understandable. One factor is something called "trauma bonding," which an abuser uses to tie their victim more closely to them. After the stress of their rages or rejection, you are flooded with relief when they switch to calm or love bombing or other tactics. Abusers work to tie your feeling to their control, so you feel unmoored when they are gone.

With time, you can find your own feet again. Lean on your friends and any other support, including us, during this transition period.

When an abuser has ensured that you put the abuser at the center of your world at all times, there is an especially big void when they are gone. They ensure you are always thinking about them - what is he doing? How is he feeling today? Will he be mad about this? Will he like my outfit or the dinner I made? Have I stayed out too long? I didn't tell him I was going to the store, he'll be mad. And on and on.

It's quite disturbing that he has hidden cameras. I am not knowledgable on this subject but I am thinking you should change your wifi password asap. I assume any devices will be set to the wifi so you can feel more assured about locking anything else out. Furthermore, you can check to see what devices are on the network, I believe there are some simple apps that check that.

Will you be notified if/when he leaves jail? I'm concerned for your safety.

[Bird78]

What you're saying about him making sure he's all that I think about, is so true! I never noticed it before, but you're absolutely right. He was in constant contact, text messages continuously if we were apart. I had a 5 minute window to answer, any longer than that and he'd have a melt down. I was ignoring him, giving him the silent treatment, or with someone else.

When we were together he had to have my undivided attention. The only exception to that was my aunt. He never once got upset about me going over to her house or making her dinner. She lives next door and is going blind. I take care of her a lot. She is the only person he threw a fit about or even tried to draw my attention away from.

Even when my kids would come to visit, he would always start a fight on the days they would come visit.

My support system is kinda small. I've got my aunt next door, and maybe 2 close friends. My kids are grown and live a few hours away. In the last 5 years, I've lost 13 close family members. I have been isolating the last few months.

Finding the cameras was.........I don't think I have words for it. Violated is an understatement. We found 2 but I'm not certain there aren't more that we didn't find. I already came to the same conclusion to reset the WiFi network and the log in and see what is connected. Except he changed the administrative login and password and then scratched the default ones off the modem. I can reset to factory with a button on the back. But without the default I can't get back into the system. It requires the default password. The modem is from my service provider, it's not mine or his. I can't just go get a different one and service provider will only send a different one if this one is no longer working. So I reset it back to factory, but that's all I can do with it.

I don't know if I'll be notified when he is released. I didn't know that was an option. I have no idea what he plans to do. The cars been impounded and by the time he gets released he won't be able to get it out. I don't know if he'll have someone in his family come get him or if he'll try to find his way back here.

He spent 5 almost 6 years in prison. He told me for drugs. But that wasn't the truth. The really story is he trapped his then wife in the bathroom of their house, nailed all the doors shut, and set the house on fire. Then drove away. She was able to escape through a window. She had a restraining order when he did this...........I'm grateful his in jail now. But I think he'll get out in ten days at his next court date.

[square]

Bird78, I would like to give you reassurance right now, but I'm extremely alarmed for you. Your ex is extremely dangerous. He tried to kill his ex-wife, and he clearly attempted to succeed.

I think you need to contact someone, perhaps a domestic violence center, who can help you formulate and execute a plan. And that plan cannot be "get a restraining order" because that did not stop him from making a serious attempt on his ex-wife's life.

I understand you help your aunt next door, and I'm nervous because this will likely serve to keep you in place. Can you be elsewhere for at least a while?

If the crime he was arrested for was for violence against you, perhaps you can be notified on his release. But even then, they might be sloppy about it and not notify you even if requested, or notify you days later, which could be too late.

By the way, there may be a tracker on your car. Your phone may also share locations with him. You might consider a new phone with a new account, not just transferring your setup toba new device but actually starting over.

Perhaps you could stay at a shelter for a while. Again, removing tracking is crucial here.

I'm guessing you are emotionally and mentally exhausted and shell shocked and the last thing you want to do is turn your life upside down. But I'm very worried. I would like to encourage you to do what you need to do to protect yourself during this time.

If a DV shelter isn't helpful (some are great, some are meh, some are terrible), maybe try another one a bit further away, or a lawyer that specializes in DV.

Please stay safe.

[Rebel13]

I agree with square; please do everything you can to ensure your safety. The information about trauma bonding is spot on, and it takes a while to get past, so please be patient with yourself. When you are crying or feeling squirrelly, tell yourself, "I have gone through a really hard and traumatic experience; it is normal that I will be upset or have a hard time calming down. My body is processing the stress." Give yourself lots of compassion and hugs.

Not at all to trivialize the importance of ensuring your safety, but the process of doing so could become a new time-filler for right now.

There are books you can read, like "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. If you search this forum, there's a link to a PDF copy of the book (maybe in the book reviews section?). "The Body Keeps the Score" is another good one; the blogger/therapist Emma McAdam of the Youtube channel Therapy in a Nutshell has done a great video summary of that book which might be easier than reading it. I think her video is also linked in the Media Resources section. You can take notes about anything in these resources, or others that you discover, that is relevant to you and your situation, or helps you understand things better.

You could also search for and read about how to protect yourself from tech surveillance, how to find hidden cameras or tracking devices, etc. You could see if there is a group or seminar near you on tech stuff, like how to access your modem and reset it. Sometimes senior centers or libraries have educational workshops on things like this. You could take your modem to the provider, if they have an office nearby, and get them to reset it and give you the new password.

These kinds of activities could do super duty of distracting you when you are feeling distressed, helping you feel like you are taking action for yourself, shifting your habits from focusing on the abuser to focusing on yourself and your needs, and keeping you safer all at the same time.

Over time, it'll feel more and more natural to return to the activities you used to enjoy, or find new ones, without having to worry about the abuser's reaction. It will take time, though, so baby steps, and a lot of patience with yourself.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Bird78]

Thank you both for the information and the reassurance that what I'm feeling is normal.

I am worried about what he might do when he is released. But you are right about my aunt keeping me here. But it's more than that. My daughter is getting ready to start cancer treatments in the next week also. I need to be able to care for her as she goes through this.

I really have a lot on my plate before all this happened. I just don't know what else to do. Maybe calling the Domestic Violence hotline will have more ideas.

I don't know. I hate feel this unsure. It's very out of character for me.

He was not arrested for violence against me. Completely unrelated charge. Doesn't involve violence or assault.

[square]

I completely understand you have commitments and responsibilities and limited bandwidth right now. I'd still like to encourage you to call a DV center and see what they might offer. One thought I had is that you might be safer if you are temporarily out of your home when he is released, even if you continue contact with your aunt and daughter in the meantime.

I'm also thinking to prioritize getting rid of tracking. One option to consider that would take less effort is to buy a "burner" phone with a cheap prepaid card, have it on you for safety, and turn off your regular phone for the next few weeks. That might be easier than trying to clean up your phone right now.

Or you could search for a tech specialist in your area to come look at your modem/router, check for connected devices, change your password, and review your phone apps and settings. That could bring a lot of peace of mind. Also assume your car is tracked.

Honey, you want to crawl under the covers and recover from this horror, and it's hard to make yourself keep moving when it looks like the bear is gone. But he will be very dangerous when he gets out of jail. The only reason he is not a veteran murderer is that his ex-wife crawled out of a bathroom window while the house was in flames.

Make some phone calls. Call the DV people. See if they can help with your tech issue. See if you can sleep somewhere else for a little while. Get a pepper spray keychain, or a gun if (and only if) you can handle it. I know you're exhausted. I don't push people to do more when they are overwhelmed, but this is legitimately a big deal.

[square]

Another thought. He has taken your phone away before. Can you get a burner phone tucked somewhere, in your damn sock, whatever, so if he has you locked somewhere you still have a phone.

Or a STANDALONE smartwatch on your ankle.

Start thinking scenarios.

[Bird78]

I want to thank you for not sugar coating anything. I appreciate you being straight forward.

I took some time and really thought about all you've said. I'm taking your advice and going to visit some friends for a few weeks. I'm making arrangements for someone to check in on my aunt while I'm away.

I'll also be able to meet my daughter at the hospital for her treatments. My son is going to take care of my dogs.

Im also filing a no-contact order through the courts. I know it won't stop him but if he does show up, it'll help put him jail faster.

Thank you so much for the encouragement. I can't express my gratitude enough.

[square]

I'm so happy to hear you're taking steps to protect yourself. I know it's really hard to do. Your plan sounds like a very good one.

Please keep us updated. You can also learn more here about what you experienced; it just seemed like you unfortunately had a more urgent situation to look at first.

[Rebel13]

Bird78, I'm so glad you won't be too easy to find if/when he is looking for you. I'm also glad you are prioritizing your safety despite the other people whom you are helping right now.

Please hang in there and let us know how things are going.

[1footouttadefog]

If you google the brand and Number of the router you should be able to find the default password and admin login. 

You can always break the router so they will change it out.

[MaxedOut]

Glad to hear the update. If you haven't yet, I would encourage you to contact your local DV agency (I see you were looking at that). They can help you develop a safety plan and may use validated danger assessments to help assess the situation. While not a substitute, some websites have safety planning tools too but often they are pretty generic versus talking through your exact situation with a trained provider. I created one with the DV folks  while still cohabitating then updated it with my therapist after leaving. In addition to seconding the recommendation on the book "Why does he do that" another I found helpful was "The Gift of Fear" (written by a security and threat assessment expert; it is more wide ranging but good specifics on assessing high danger points in time).