Self-compassion? Self-approval?

[Call Me Cordelia]

Any good resources on how to finally kill the monster of guilt and shame and self-hatred? I rarely give myself credit for doing well. Anything good, even excellent and outstanding, is merely what's expected, and any mistake or failure is just proof positive that I don't deserve to take up space on this planet. This is 100% a belief that was put on me by my upbringing. Like everything, it's a non-linear progression for me but I'm really needing help with this aspect of healing at the moment.

Therapy is not something I am able to do at the moment.

[walking on broken glass]

I am sorry you are struggling with this at the moment and I fully sympathise. I find very difficult to give myself a break too. I have also noticed that lately I am going through a kind of self hating phase. I don't like the way I look, I feel my clothes don't suit me, I tried two different haircuts and disliked both. I hope I will get over it eventually.

Someone recommended to me the Mother Mayhem podcast for daughters of narcissistic mothers. It has many episodes and perhaps some may be useful for what you need. One of the suggestions was to carry a picture of you as a little child and every time you are about to treat yourself in a harsh, self critical way, look at it and imagine you treat that little girl like that. And then try to treat yourself with the compassion you would offer to that little girl.

[notrightinthehead]

Cordelia, for years I have used Self love Affirmations or Meditations/Hypnosis on YouTube. When I started I uused to have tapes then CDs and now for about 10 years the choice on Youtube is so abundant - I am sure you will find something you will like.

I consider listening to such as a balancing out issue - we were flooded with so many negative messages about ourselves and semiconsciously continue doing so - now we consciously bombard our mind with something positive - just to even the scale.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you, I will think about that. You are probably right, I need to counteract all the negative messages! I always hated listening to affirmations because they just felt like lies and like I was going to throw up. I also don't have any pictures from my childhood, but I don't like to think about that time either. My predominant emotion when looking back has been shame. Even hearing music from my childhood can provoke a shame response.

I did remember Pete Walker last night, and reread the chapter on the Inner Critic. He recommended anger at the critic and the people who put it there as a way to unlock the ability to have compassion on the inner child, and I think he's on to something there. My parents were huge bullies, father especially. He would tell me as "tough love" that I would be hated my whole life and I'd best just accept that. Any kindness I received was dismissed as people "just trying to be nice" and I was not ever permitted to "brag" or "get a big head" by even displaying awards I earned. It really did a number on my psyche. Negative feedback is to be trusted always, positive never. There was always "room for improvement," or "somebody better than you are," even when I was the freaking valedictorian. Perfectionism did keep me from giving up, but it also made it impossible to relax.

I have made some progress in this thanks to filling my life with good people now but oh my gosh it just doesn't stop, does it? I'm good and angry but also just so tired!

[GoodPesto]

Wow, Call me Cordelia, thank you for bringing up one of the most difficult subjects. Self-compassion. I saw the most open-minded, the most empathic and reflected people close their heart when it comes to self-compassion.
The suggestions from wobg and nrith are great and I can relate to your rejection of some of them also. Affirmations for example never sat right with me either. I felt so stupid to repeat them and like this was the pinnacle of being a too-far-out hippie.
I guess, the resource your asking for could be ... you. You don't necessarily need a photo of yourself as a kid, but you could still grow into defending that kid because wouldn't you do that for pretty much any other kid? Which kid deserves to be full of self-hatred?
So if you catch yourself being harsh, demanding or even crual towards yourself, you could activate your warrior and be like: Leave her alone!
Any afterthoughts coming up? Leave her alone! But she's ... Give her a rest!
Just as a principle. There is simply no point to be made trying to be convincing that THIS ONE child deserve to be filled up with feelings of shame, guilt and self-hatred. Or would you wish that on any young one?
With regard to the feeling of shame you mentioned. If you would like to let go of it, I'd suggest to feel it. If you know that music of the past triggers it, that could be your resource to free yourself from it. Listen to it whenever you feel to fight that dragon. And then feel the shame. From what I learned shame is an energy that comes from the lower party of the body and would like to leave through the head (that's where blushing comes in e.g.). Many people react to that sensation with surpressing it and sending the feeling/ the energy back down so it never leaves the body. Whenever you are ready you could sit down, evoke that feeling and let it pass through you. Your head/face might get really warm doing this but in the end your bucket of that feeling gets emptied by practicing this and sooner or later you'll see that the shame you're feeling is a representative of how much you've been wronged.

[Call Me Cordelia]

More on this topic: I found the book "Litanies of the Heart" I started reading for Lent. It's an Internal Family Systems approach to healing with prayer that came highly recommended. Well, anyway, it talks about engaging with protector parts before being able to access your "exiled" parts, which fits with what Pete Walker says about needing to fight the critic before you are able to have self-compassion. The protector/critic is actually there for a reason and was adaptive in an unsafe childhood but now not so much. So I'm going to try to do some of that work.

I had lost that book months ago, and was just about to begin just that section, so I'll take it as Divine Providence and maybe just maybe God actually does care.

I know He does, but unsurprisingly I really don't FEEL that He does, as my default stance. Definitely a Lord I believe help my unbelief kind of deal. I definitely approach God as looking for me to mess up and blame me, and have to logic myself into trusting Him every day. So this book is just really a doozy on me. In a good way, but just so many tears.

[IsleOfSong]

I would strongly recommend looking into the work of Rick Hanson. His area of expertise is neuroplasticity — the notion of rewiring your brain so that, when the inner critic tries to take over your thoughts, you are able to acknowledge that "part" of you while turning toward the other parts of you that are more encouraging. I'm oversimplifying it here, but his book "Hardwiring Happiness" is very readable while also being research-based, as is his website, which has tons of free resources. Good luck.

[bloomie]

Call Me Cordelia - this hurts my heart to think of you living with the specter of shame and inability to celebrate your gifts and accomplishments.

One thing I have been learning about and challenged in recently is noticing and addressing self abandonment. It might seem to not be related to what you are struggling with, but it might? I learned to abandon and make myself smaller in order to be safe. I learned to align, accommodate, and minimize my own needs, feelings, desires, abilities if there was a hint that they were in conflict with those of others.

I am facing the truth that, for me anyway, living that way is not honest and it is not truly humble. It is denying the unique way I am created and how I have developed. It is denying what is uniquely mine to give or offer.

If we look at Jesus, He was compelled by love to offer all that He was/is for our sake fully recognizing, communicating and moving in the totality who He is.  Humility and sacrifice are most powerful, in my view, when I recognize and choose to offer the truth of who I am to myself and others.

I choose to live authentically, even when my old wiring attempts to bypass the hard-won rewiring that is taking place. Living in acknowledgment of our worth is beautiful and brings great peace.

Just some thoughts on your journey!

[xredshoesx]

I think a lot of that thinking/ actions of making oneself small was to minimize the negative attention we got - flying under the radar is a coping mechanism we all had to develop to be safe.  it's very hard to unlearn and I know I still do it but not to the point where it causes me med inducing anxiety in the form of repetitive OCD behaviors.

I have to constantly remind myself I deserve the right to BE.  to SIT.  to REST.  honestly at this point the only person I feel like I should forgive is ME because I was the one who kept those survival skills on point long after the familial uPD in my life was in close proximity.

as far as moving past that feeling that nobody defended me-  I think that every time I stick up for my coworkers or students that's the adult me trying to heal what baby xredshoesx didn't get.

thinking of you today C- you're an amazing person and are a testimony on not just surviving, but thriving. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

Thank you both! Yes, I believe that self-abandonment is a twisted form of self-protection that also no longer serves me. The best possible outcome for me in my FOO was to escape punishment. Because being the scapegoat, I did not experience much positive attention, and least not positive attention that I did not in some way pay for. Invisibility at home and seeking my validation outside the family was the sweet spot as a child, but that is rather immature for a woman almost 40. And seeking validation outside also leads into people-pleasing types of behaviors like you describe, Bloomie.

I can be mindful and really take my time and decide to act the way I would like to be, authentically. It's just a slower, more deliberate choice. If my amygdala trips it's easy to unconsciously revert to the old instincts to self-hatred. When I'm not in a flashback, I'm more neutral toward myself if that makes sense. Not quite to really celebrating myself and accomplishments, but inching slowly toward a more positive (and more realistic!) self-image.

I wrote last year that I directed a play with elementary and middle school kids. Recently I was ready to host auditions for the next go-round, and I was so afraid that people wouldn't want to do it and I was just a mean director. Twenty tried out, most of whom were in the first play. Some didn't come back and I was ready to take that as proof that I'd failed! Objectively I see that's distorted. By even my own assessment, the play was good! So I'm just deconstructing and attempting to reconstruct my own thinking and shed this burden bit by bit. Thanks for being here with me.

[bloomie]

Cordelia - I am inspired and thankful for you sharing this process and how it plays out (pun intended) as you begin directing another play. Your thought processes and insights that serve as a reminder of the struggle when the amygdala is triggered is good food for thought for me as well.

[GoodPesto]

Yes, very inspiring for me, too. Thank you for sharing CmC. I like how you connect self-abandonment and survival-mechanism. I suffered from this too, and sometimes "relapse". Your take on this was very helpful, thank you.

[Trueleaf]

Hi Call Me Cordelia - try the book "Healing the Shame That Binds You" by John Bradshaw

[Lookin 2 B Free]

Hi, Cordelia.  I found some Internal Family Systems books last year that I just loved.  I tried to use the system myself, but I couldn't figure out how to work it myself.  I was able to find an IFS therapist and have started that.  It's one of the most hopeful things I've done.  Because even the self-critical protectors are there for a reason, to help us.  They can be updated, unburdened, and given a new role to play.  There's no part of ourselves that is bad and needs to be thrown out.  The only catch is you have to keep up with it, keep using it. 

[mary_poppins]

Hi Cordelia.

I so much relate to what you have written (as if it's a page of my private journal). And I am sorry you have to deal with all those feelings. I don't know what to advise but from all the replies and advice you have given me, I see you as a nice, kind, empathetic and worthwhile person. I believe in your worthiness and you should, too. Maybe this will help. I also feel a lot of guilt and shame to the point I lie about my family to strangers or friends because I hate being seen as the 'weirdo' one whose family is full of sociopaths.

Sending virtual hugs!

[Call Me Cordelia]

Trueleaf- I put that book on hold at the library, thanks!

L2BF- That sounds great, I'm so glad it's going well for you! It does seem like IFS is a great medium to unlock some of these stuck habits of mind.

Mary Poppins Yeah, I also tend not to bring up my plethora of psychopathic relatives either. Makes for uncomfortable small talk. I believe in your worthiness and you should too! Love that. And no shame if you aren't feeling it at the moment. ;-)

I have a friend IRL who is doing IFS therapy and she uncovered a lot of past trauma through it. She was remarking to me that just looking at that part of her story (mostly early childhood) and not knowing it was her own, it would have been reasonable to conclude a child that went through what she did could have easily ended up on drugs or otherwise just really really messed up. But she made a good life for herself despite all that, is a successful, accomplished, GOOD person! She did that! That scared abused little girl did that! If anything we deserve to give ourselves even MORE celebration and affirmation because we overcame enormous challenges to get where we are today. We are the feel-good stories on Olympic athletes who overcame the effects of a childhood illness or crippling accident.