Oh No, Divorce is an issue

[SeaBreeze]

It sounds like you are shoring up your exit plan. But, in case things go hot and you need to leave immediately... do you have an emergency bag tucked away where he can't find it, including a change of clothes, spare car keys, medications, cash or cards, important papers, list of important phone numbers if cell phone disappears?. Or perhaps ask your daughter to keep some extra items of yours at her house? I' also suggest keeping your phone and car keys close,  gas tank at least half full, sleep with your shoes by the bed. Hopefully it won't come to that, but just in case you need to leave quickly.

[MaxedOut]

 
Also, if you have an old phone, keep it charged and accessible (and keep that to yourself). Even without a service plan it should connect to 911. I did everything SeaBreeze mentioned, plus some google doc files in case I needed to access info from somewhere/thing new. Given he knows you were calling about an apartment, consider not confirming securing it or giving a date a week or so past your actual move in. I also had a couple code words wet up with friends (text or call, to indicate needing help/something was up or call 911j.

[Deby64]

Update: I got a house to rent and started transferring my utilities Friday. Got to do some cleaning and have service work done before it a full move in. Hope to be out 100% by midweek. Upd-h is attempting to be supportive at on point then swings to verbal abuse the next. Saying I have a new man and I better be careful without him being my covering. Blah,Blah,Blah. His biggest concern is if I will continue to pay the mortgage 🤦🏾. I told him yes. I'm saying this until I get out and get an attorney to figure this mess out.

[Rebel13]

Oh good news Deby! I hope your move goes as smoothly as it possibly can. I don't know the legalities, but I imagine you continuing to pay the mortgage on the current house while a separation agreement is worked out will make you seem generous and reasonable, if you ever need to go before a judge.

I'm looking forward to hearing your updates once you have a safe and calm space to settle and consider things with a little bit of distance.

Take good care of you.

[square]

I'm cheering you on, Deby.

I'm hearing your resolve to protect yourself, and am also relieved to hear that you are not in your heart locked in to giving up and pushing the whole pile of chips over to him.

I'm sure he'll get plenty of chips. But he is not entitled to your whole stack.

[SeaBreeze]

Saying I have a new man and I better be careful without him being my covering. Blah,Blah,Blah. His biggest concern is if I will continue to pay the mortgage

Yep, sounds like he's less worried about being your "spiritual cover" and more so wants you to *financially cover* the house. Such contradictory thinking on his part. I can see how life with him has been confusing!

Congrats on the new place! I know that for me, having my own space has been a huge part of my healing since leaving ex-uNPDh 2 years ago. I hope you will find that same peace and healing in your own safe haven.

[MaxedOut]

So glad to hear this update. Stay safe and I hope the move is smooth. The nervous system recovery is huge from moving out. You may find fatigue and some other stuff hits once your body knows it is safe to relax and recover (listen to these signals, I slept a fair bit more than usual for the first couple of weeks).

(My ex also got fixated on the notion I must be cheating for a few days - they just roll right over the part where you say, clearly, repeatedly why.)

[blunk]

So glad to hear that you were able to find a house, Deby!

Once you are away from him you will be able to think and plan more clearly. Each step you take makes taking the next one that much easier.

[Deby64]

Wow,2 weeks on Saturday. My nervous system is still out of balance, but it's getting better. The updh is doing his best to bait me in. Being as sweet as honey texting to check on me. Yea right "Love Bomb", I'm not falling for it. I respond with one word answers. Wish I was strong enough to set a clearer boundary. I told him I didn't want contact with him because I needed to heal and find myself. Being the sick man that he is, he has to push the boundary to see if I'll still serve him. Control. I see it and pray for strength to get better with boundaries.

[square]

You're doing great. One thing you could consider is just incrementally delaying your responses.

For example, if he is used to instant text responses from you, start waiting five minutes before you reply. If he asks, MC it: "yeah, I put the phone down for a minute." Don't apologize or feed into any freakout. Just assume, rightly, that it was no big deal.

If he calls you, try not picking up every third call. Call him back a minute later - or five.

If he sends you on an errand, do it after dinner instead of right then.

You get the idea.