Confused about my mum's health condition

[walking on broken glass]

So, my mum finished her chemo treatments and she scheduled an appointment with the surgeon last week to arrange the details of her surgery (a hysterectomy to remove her uterus, where the cancer originated). Apparently the doctor did an ultrasound and told her that her diagnosis was wrong and her uterus is cancer free! He said, I am not sure where your cancer originated but it was not the uterus, and you don't need to remove it. I don't know what to make of this interaction. From what I read, it is possible that the cancer did not originate in the uterus, but it was definitely somewhere in the female reproductive organs (this is what the markers in her biopsy showed). My mum claims that the doctor didn't have any suggestions about the primary site of cancer but told her 'it needs to be looked into further'. I thought that maybe the cancer is not detectable anymore because of the chemo, but the doctor ruled this out and said the cancer would still show. It's all a mess and I cannot make head or tail of this.

I spoke to my mum again today and she said that the doctor is now reviewing all her tests (why didn't he do this in the first place?!) and will get back to her. She will also do an MRI that will give more information. My mum is convinced that the surgery will go ahead. I don't know what to believe anymore. It is also really chaotic because she has not been treated in a public hospital, she chose to go private, which means several different doctors are involved, which do not necessarily talk to one another. I thought I could perhaps try to get in touch with one of them myself to get a clearer idea, but I don't have his details and, if I asked my mum, it would not go down well. I will have to be patient and wait for things to unravel.

My mum also continues to behave to me as if I were an afterthought. I called her last week and she said 'I can't talk to you, I am going to the doctor to discuss the surgery' and of course did not offer to call me and tell me what the doctor said. I had to call her back the next day to find out. She said 'I was really upset when I came back from the doctor's but then *we* talked about it and I calmed out'. The 'we' without a clear subject refers of course to my sister, since the two of them have now morphed together. When I called her today to find out if there are any updates she said to me 'did I tell you about my doctor's appointment?' So either she did not even remember that she talked to her daughter about her current major health crisis (because why would she? My input and support are worthless to her) or she was trying to make a point. Either way, it is really sad.

[Liketheducks]

I suggest you just let her get on with things and focus on your own healing.   If she's closer to your sibling, let her be.   If it seems that your input and support aren't valued, step back and give that support to your inner child.   I know this is so much easier said than done.  Particularly in the moment.   People with big health scares are seldom at their best, more so when coupled with PD.  My mom had a heart attack a few years back while I was in the middle of my own crisis.   I immediately called her in the hospital and she just started yelling at me.   Yelling that I needed to fix "this".   Whatever "this" was , was unclear.   "This" relationship, "this" her chain smoking for her lifetime, "this"?   I assume she meant the relationship - because she was giving me a months long silent treatment and I didn't respond by begging her to stop.   I felt badly that she was in pain and scared, but was also powerless to fix "this".    And I also needed my attention on my own crisis.  She had no idea what I was going through and didn't have the bandwidth to express concern.   Then again, me parenting her and doing it wrong....is kind of our relationship.   
If she's using your sister as her emotional support, let her.   You can only control yourself and your thoughts around this.     

[walking on broken glass]

I am so glad you said that because this is what I have been thinking also. I had a conversation with a friend who said to me why don't you try to get the doctor's number and call and ask? And I said, no actually, I don't want to do that. And not because my mum will find out and will get mad, but because this is her stuff and she should deal with it the way she thinks fit. I won't make it my stuff because it's not, especially when my input is not even considered or valued. So yes, I am worried about next steps and I wish I had more clarity but I won't do anything to interfere. I won't try to take control.

[Cenerentola]

It feels so much safer, I think, to have that clarity.  For me it's definitely part of my cptsd; if I know what a problem involves, it's much easier to accept and face it.  Good luck working through this.

[TimetoHeal]

This is a tough one, WOBG.

When I read your description about what's going on with your mom, my first thoughts were, "Did she really have cancer?"  "Could she have munchausen syndrome?".  It almost seems like her doctors are stumped, and like you said, there were a lot of doctors involved that don't communicate with each other.  Do you know for sure (as in you've seen results or talked to the doctor) that she does have cancer?

If it were my mom, since I am the sibling that's closest in proximity and would be the one to see her at the hospital and such, I would want to talk to the doctor and know what's going.  But your situation is different in that your mother is enmeshed with your sister and she is "taking care of things", and you live overseas and can't really do anything anyway, and your mother is not receptive to you helping in any way.  I think in your case, you are probably doing the right thing by just bowing out and letting it go. 

Any way around it, I know it is stressful and I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. 

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you cenerentola and time to heal ☺️
I must confess, it did cross my mind too that my mum exaggerated her illness but then I remembered that I did actually see her biopsy tests that made clear she had cancer, so that's ruled out! In a way, it's a relief. It might be a combination of bad coordination between doctors and/or confusion on the part of my mum, especially since she is discussing everything at length with my sister. It is possible that my sister actually convinces her that the doctor said things they didn't say, that's the level of the enmeshment they have. Also, my sister professes medical opinions very confidently, even though she is not a doctor; she just studied biomedicine and has some degree of medical knowledge. She did the same with my dad and drove me nuts.

[TimetoHeal]

That's a relief that you know it's not all in her head!      You are right about the possible confusion and your sister having strong opinions probably muddying the waters.  LOL.   

[walking on broken glass]

I now have some clarity about mum's health condition. She went to another doctor who confirmed that she has cancer of the endometrium and booked her in for a surgery in a couple of weeks' time. Two days after her surgery, my partner and I have booked to go on holiday. I haven't shared this with her of course and we booked long ago but I will have to pretend I am somewhere else working. That will be fun 🙄

I will probably also need a list of quotes for FM relatives who will start asking me why I am not going 'home' for my mum's surgery. Sigh

[TimetoHeal]

Thanks for the update, WOBG!  I'm so glad you have a concrete answer.  The good news is that this type of cancer is usually very treatable just by having a hysterectomy.  Unless it has spread, there is usually not even any chemo or radiation. Don't quote me as a medical expert, but I learned a little bit about this recently because I had a scare of having the same type of cancer.  (Thank God, negative).

Don't you even think about changing your plans or feeling like you "have" to be there.  Your mother will be just fine.  You are wise to not tell her but just say you are working somewhere else.  Have your responses, if you even choose to respond, prepared and ready to go for the Flying Monkeys.  Short and sweet and no JADEing!  Have a great trip! 

[Rebel13]

Totally agree with TimetoHeal above on this one! This is the cancer that I had, and surgery was considered the curative treatment because of the stage and grade that I had. If she can have robotic surgery, recovery is MUCH easier than it used to be; in the US, they are sending patients home the same day in most cases. I'm sure your mom is older than me, but it's likely that, as long as she follows the doctor's instructions and rests, she should be fine. She might not even need someone with her after the first 24 hours, except to help with lifting anything heavier than a gallon of water. And I think you've mentioned she has a sister and other relatives who live nearby? She'll have plenty of help. You definitely do NOT need to cancel your trip! Go, and enjoy it.

Even if she has a more serious case, and needs chemo/radiation, or help getting to surveillance appointments, or whatever, you don't have to be the one to do any of that. The assumption that children -- daughters especially -- should just drop everything and rush to the bedside infuriates me. Especially when there hasn't been any serious or straightforward request for your help, and when her treatment of you in general has been so dismissive and unkind. I think normal people feel touched and grateful when others inquire about their well-being and offer to help. I know I did!

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Time to heal and Rebel!
Yes, the surgery will be done laparoscopically and the doctor said she will stay for one, maybe two nights.

It's not so much that I am having second thoughts about the trip. I am actually really excited that we get to have a proper holiday, the two of us, away from everybody. It's just that it doesn't sit right with me emotionally. I think I am still sad about the relationship I wish I had with my mum, and if that relationship was a reality, I would want to be by her side. As things stand, I really don't, and even though it's clear to me what I (don't) want to do, emotionally I feel a few steps behind. It's probably just the usual guilt rearing its head.

I am sorry you had the same type of cancer, Rebel. Initially my mum was told she might need more chemo after the hysterectomy but I am not sure this is still the case - she didn't bring it up again after she visited the doctor. Her cancer did spread to the ureter so maybe this is why. But she was told the tumour shrank significantly after the chemo.

[Call Me Cordelia]

I was going to say similar, have you actually been ASKED to come help? Has your mother done any relationship repair that could make your presence actually felt as a comfort to both of you? You hit heart of it right here in my opinion: "I think I am still sad about the relationship I wish I had with my mum, and if that relationship was a reality, I would want to be by her side." Flying monkeys are interested in making things appear that all is as it should be so they can pretend it is so and feel comfortable. I wonder what would happen if you just answered honestly and said, "No, I am not coming. I wish our relationship were such that my coming would be a positive thing, but that's not the reality." I'm not saying that's a good idea. But gosh isn't it the truth. Big hugs to you, WOBG.

[Rebel13]

I was thinking along the same lines, Cordelia. What would happen if we said to the flying monkeys, "Parent hasn't asked me to help/show up/etc."? I mean, it probably wouldn't change anything -- "oh, but you know she really WANTS you there, she doesn't want to burden you..." but just thinking about telling the truth feels freeing somehow.