PD told his healthcare provider(s) that I am ab*sing him

[Xyz]

I am in a live-in relationship with a PD male.  Saturday night he sent an email to the practice of a healthcare provider claiming that he is being "d*mestically ab*sed" and "phys*cally and m*ntally" ab*sed (by me), and that at his appointment on Friday he told staff that he "needed help" and "no one would help," and asking if they had contacted a "d*mestic ab*se h0tline" as PD had done after his appointment.

[Poison Ivy]

This is concerning. How do you know that he did these things?

[Xyz]

Thank you for replying, Poison Ivy.  I read the email that he sent.

He went to an appointment at the healthcare practice on Friday, sent the email Saturday night, and I read it today.   

[zad7242]

XYZ,

So sorry to hear this, that sounds very upsetting. I don't have a lot of experience with this, but my uBPDw has on one occasion accused me of abusing her to our state's health board when she filed an ethics complaint against our marriage therapist. One other time she implied to the nurses at an ER that I was abusing her when she was suffering from psychosis. I had it recommended to me to document the accusation and your denial of it. For example, emailing a friend or relative and telling them how they accused you and how disturbing that is, etc, or just keeping a journal record of it.

[MaxedOut]

XYZ, does your partner have cooccurring mental illness (bipolar, schizoaffective)? Or are there other current signs of paranoia or beliefs he's being persecuted/abused (e.g., store clerk was judgy, teacher is out to get him, family being abusive)? Or motivations where this might make sense (e.g., unable to trigger psychiatric support otherwise so trying to fit some scenario that will escalate response)? Does he know you know and if so are you able to ask what makes him feel that way and what would help him feel safer?

I had a few similar accusations by my exUPWBPDW (unsure if ever to healthcare providers but to me and likely insinuations to her divorce lawyer... who she later accused of abusive behavior.... because.... of course...).

I had been good about documenting her abusive behaviors towards me for a stretch of time using timerecorded docs in case it did become a thing and if needed there was plenty of potential others who dealt with abusive behaviors, complaints she issued against providers, positive relationships I had with providers, etc.

I did make sure in private convos/emails with providers to mention concerns about my safety, the being abusive behaviors, and types of symptoms I looks for as early indicators of potential MH crisis like paranoia/accusations, etc. - it was nothing at the level to trigger response about her behavior, but enough to ensure those folks had heard me calmly and in the context of care raising issues and helped them also know what signs were typical preceding symptoms for manic, suicidal, or psychosis periods.

When she accused me of stuff, I did try to find out what specific behaviors she meant to ensure there wasn't some disconnections/miscommunication and clear it up or reassure. Usually there wasn't a specific thing or it was temporary perception or she'd forgotten key details (e.g., "financially controlling or hiding" but i would gently remind her I asked for engagement in budgeting, never tried to control decisions, she decided on $XX goal, or whatever). Or it was indicative of other mental illness (so more of an indicator of paranoia, distorted thinking, early psychosis, etc.) in which case part of discussing things I was observing with providers.

For more broad accusations, it was often retaliatory/reactive attempt to control me, trying to stop me from enforcing my own boundaries (e.g., me saying I don't feel safe and need space or saying I won't engage in a discussion where X is happening then getting the same accusation back). Once I stopped inquiring or JADEing the results were better ("I don't ever want you to feel unsafe around me. This really tells me it would be good for both of us to take some time to recenter and I am going to take a break for a couple of hours."  "It sounds like we both are not ok with how this conversation is going so I'm going to step away for now."

Edit to Add: After protecting my PD from consequences of her abusive behaviors with others/hiding and being secretive about being a victim of abuse/living in fear/having abuse amnesia, etc.... getting accused by the PD of abuse was pretty triggering and REALLY galling.

It helped to take a step back and view it through the PD programming lens of splitting, saying/doing more extreme things until you get a desired result, often accusing others of abuse, making the facts fit their feelings, etc. The third parties sometimes needed some addressing to make sure things don't get twisted, but often had their own contextualizing experiences with her. Seeing it as another of a number of ways she tried to express big feelings and get support and or exert control helped me navigate and calm the situation especially when fueled by dysregulation (internal voice: "This isn't about me. Does this seem to be about feelings, action, control? What might address that driver without validating the accusation? What do I need right now? Is simply creating space for her to reregulate viable/effective?").

[1footouttadefog]

Is it safe for you to remain living in this situation.  If the partner believes you are abusing them will this justify them lashing out against you or physically harming you. 

I would consider moving out even if only temporarily.  My H became psychotic years back when he was abusing 12 hour nasal spray. I had to have him removed from the house because he was too unstable at the time.  Two weeks at the VA and some med adjust menta got it out of his system and he was able to come home but even then I kept space by having him live in the basement apartment. 

[MaxedOut]

 

[Xyz]

Thank you to each of you who have replied.

I want to add for context that I am female.  I wanted to edit my first post to add my gender but as far as I can see, editing for that post has timed out.

I have been at this healthcare practice with PD over the last year, attending his appointments with him at his request, at his insistence actually.  I have been in appointments with PD with three different physicians and several nursing/technical staff, including the physician whom PD saw on Friday.  I am hoping that staff has observed me with PD enough, and has interacted with me directly enough, to see that I am not abusing him.

PD called the practice yesterday and today (Monday and Tuesday), and was aggressive and hostile on the phone, I could tell from his end of the conversation today that the staff member who was on the phone with him told him that he was "rude" and "yelling at" her.  I am hoping that these calls will also allow staff to realize that I am not abusing PD. 

Moving out is not currently an option for me.

MaxedOut, to answer one of your questions, and thank you so much for your thoughtful reply, PD does seem to believe that he is being persecuted/abused by a good number of people with whom he comes in contact, now including staff at the healthcare practice.

Zad, thank you for your suggestion to document, I am doing so.

1foot, thank you for replying, I wish that moving out was an option for me.

MaxedOut, you mentioned abuse amnesia, I suddenly remembered today that about a year ago, PD told a nurse that I was abusing him and he wanted me to leave his room.  Although I believe that staff had been hearing PD shouting at/verbally abusing me, the nurse told me that PD was her patient and that she would have to ask me to wait in the waiting room.  I had forgotten about PD doing that until today.   

[MaxedOut]

You mention something similar about a year ago. If his energy is amped and/or sleeping less... 'tis the season for manic/hypomanic struggles for many folks with bipolar.

The soltice/longest days of the year are often pretty symptomatic. Vernal equinox tends towards deep depression and summer towards manic issues (this sounds more mixed hypomania/mania given negative feelings if energy is unusually high). That would also track with delusions/psychosis as a not normal thing as bipolar can have that during mania/mixed.

People with bipolar often have prior diagnosis or understand themselves to have depression, but haven't had classic mania. The depression with light/hypomania is actually Bipolar II (which can worsen to bipolar I with full mania). Again the seasonality is not with everyone but people misdiagnosed with depression then diagnoses with BP often look back and see the pattern of their depression being there/worse/bad in winter months but often having fond fun memories of summers - like doing sorta crazy, impulsive stuff but in the normalish range (but maybe quit that job, went to Vegas, dated someone intensely but briefly). Long term relationships often start during hypo periods as their confidence, adventurousness, and mood are elevated (with my ex she was hypo when the relationship started but it was January as moods episodes could happen whenever, it just tended to be dark in December and grab a helmet it July).

There are a host of other common symptoms but this time of year was usually bad with my ex (equinox through the first week or two of July). I'd suggest making some notes on other behavior that is unusual or only happens sometimes plus eating, sleeping, energy levels (might be helpful to his care team).

The danger with these periods is mania/hypomania often has strong impulses even the compulsion to ACT. So when combined with negative emotions that can play out in impulsive self harm (e.g., steering car into oncoming traffic) or paranoia/persecution can distort thinking enough to risk violence against others as protection. (Without negative feelings the impulsivity goes more grandiose and hedonistic so reckless spending, sexual promiscuity, substance use, impulse travel).

Cluster A and B disorders have high co-occurrence (25% - 35% with BPD and BP, for example, which even has a colloquial nickname "borderpolar). And high misdiagnosis of BPD as bipolar and bipolar as BPD (less so for other PDs). In fact pretty sure one of my friends just had her daughter misdiagnosed as BP and her descriptions all sounded BPD (very triggered by social/situational things, fast and frequent mood changes, etc.).

[Xyz]

MaxedOut, just a quick post to thank you for your reply.  Both of your posts have given me a lot to ponder.  I will post more when I am able, but wanted to thank you, I have been feeling seen and supported by your posts.  Thank you for your support. 

[MaxedOut]

No problem, XYZ. It took years for me to figure out a lot of this stuff given many overlapping symptoms (with tons of reading, a relevant undergrad degree, and convos with providers). If not relevant, great. If maybe relevant, hopefully this helps make sense of things sooner (and potentially get better treatment).

There are certain ways even similar symptoms are different between, say, bipolar and borderline (e.g., the length and frequency of elevated and depressed mood states differs *and* whether they seem to start/change based on social interactions versus mood being there and immune to social dynamics or maybe just influencing how we interactions but not changing significantly due to social factors).

Those take a lot of digging to learn about and definitely are not the nuance that paraprofessionals and non-psych docs usually understand (at least my experience is that only psychiatrists, and not all, have the depth of understanding/training).

To emphasize one point: please don't do what I did and put the proper diagnoses/support for them, and their MH, front and center in YOUR life. And don't tolerate harmful stuff because of whatever may be going on. In the end it does not matter what axis of the DSM behaviors results in him accusing you of abuse to third parties who are mandatory reporters. That's not ok. Self-protection, boundaries, etc. come first.

I don't know how things would have gone had I been clear and firm about what is and isn't acceptable treatment years ago and willing to leave if need be. Instead I tolerating things because of my ex wife's mental and physical health struggles. It may have ended way earlier. It may have improved things. I DO know that accepting took a gigantic toll on me and I think it did her no favors. So, take care of yourself first.

[Xyz]

Hi MaxedOut (and anyone who would care to reply),

I wanted to update re the email that uPDm sent to his healthcare providers' practice.  Bottom line, I think that it likely will not be an issue for me.

After sending the email on a Saturday night, PD spent the following business week repeatedly calling the practice; imo he was harassing the staff.  On PD's last call with the office manager of the practice, the office manager told PD that she was done with the conversation, if PD called again he could talk to "Alice," and when PD continued to try to make her talk to him, she disconnected the call.  (I don't know who Alice is.)

I think that these calls have given the staff at the practice "their own contextualizing experiences with" PD (to quote you, MaxedOut), including being targets of false accusations by PD, so I am feeling more confident that staff will see PD's email for what it is.

In addition, uPDm sent a second email to the practice; this one addressed to the office manager, after the office manager disconnected their call.  It was along the same lines as PD's repeated calls to the practice; hostile, and false accusations.         

[Xyz]

Four days ago, an employee of a state agency came to the door, they identified themselves through the door as "from (blank) state," they addressed uPDm by his first name, they insisted that uPDm had to open the door, that they were not leaving, they said that they would return with the police if uPDm did not open the door, they knocked on the door loudly and at length.  They did return with a police officer, and knocked on the door again, this time less aggressively.  I remained silent through all of this.  uPDm did not open the door.

The police officer at the door called uPDm's phone and left a voicemail.         

[MaxedOut]

Oh, boy. Did uPDm share any info with you or do you have any clue what it may be about? I am not suggesting that you need/should add details on a public forum but if he is keeping you in the dark and not answering the door, that is frightening. And if it is follow up on the abuse allegations, you might be facing ann investigation. Not answering the door raises the question of what lengths uPDm might consider if he feels threatened/trapped if this is not about the abuse allegations.

Do you feel safe, unsafe, not sure about staying in the house given current events? You might want to talk to a DV counselor and/or lawyer about the situation and uPDm's prior attempts to paint you as an abuser.

This sounds like a lot of ways you might face trouble that is not of your own making.

[Xyz]

Thank you for replying, MaxedOut.  I will do my best to reply on my mobile device and with uPDm here.

Yes, that was follow up on PDm's abuse allegations, and I think that I am the subject of an investigation, I mean I must be, right?

As I posted earlier in this thread, PDm told medical providers on June 20/21 that I am physically and mentally abusing him, and that he needs help.  In early July, I overheard a few words of a phone call that PDm was on; he told a state employee "I'm scared," and that I committed an action of physical abuse against him.  My guess is that the state employee reported this to the state agency that came to the door on August 8.

The front desk agent (FDA) where I am staying told me that the state agency employee who came to the door told the FDA that they were doing a "well being" check, I assume this meant welfare check.  I have a copy of the state agency employee's card, it is an agency that investigates abuse allegations.

I have been in contact with a local DV agency for some time.

PDm does have a long history of attempting to paint me as an abuser.  It is one of his favorite MO's.