Hello 👋

[FoggyFrog]

Hello
I started emerging from the fog a couple of months ago, several months after exiting a four year relationship largely convinced that I was the one with the problem and the one that needed help to change.

She/they is a therapist and used her professional expertise to convince me I was defensive, the one with poor boundaries, avoidant, etc, etc.l, etc.

It's only months later I can clearly see that this was projection and gaslighting.

I can't go into too many details, due to a police investigation into serious (and false) allegations she/they made against when I finally ended the relationship.
I knew nothing about this police investigation until a couple of weeks ago when I was arrested, more than six months after she went to the police.
I was arrested the day after I sent her an email finally naming what she did to me as coercive and abusive.
The police had that email (which they had no issue with and said actually gave them very useful context) - so she clearly went straight to the police with it, in a bid to reactivate the complaint she made six months earlier that I knew nothing about.

I'm learning that a pathological need for narrative control is one of the hallmarks of narcissistic abuse. 
Her rewriting of my reality still leaves me questioning myself and whether what she/they (identifies as a non-binary woman, but AFAB)  did really was abuse.

I finally thought I had turned a corner, by naming what she/they had done - only to find my world turned upside down the very next morning.

I'm currently out on police bail, waiting to hear if I'll be charged over spurious allegations that could completely destroy my life.
This is all happening while I'm still recovering from cancer and after I gave up a 26-year career due to extreme post cancer treatment fatigue.

I won't let her destroy me, but these last few weeks have been tougher than fighting cancer.

[bloomie]

FoggyFrog - welcome to Out of the FOG! Thank you for sharing some of the circumstances and experiences that bring you here. Your resilience shines through your post, and yet, the toil this is taking on you is clear as you share:

I won't let her destroy me, but these last few weeks have been tougher than fighting cancer.

Very moving words!

You have found a community of people who get it on a unique level and that will support you as you work to recover and fight these accusations against you.

I'm learning that a pathological need for narrative control is one of the hallmarks of narcissistic abuse. 
Her rewriting of my reality still leaves me questioning myself and whether what she/they (identifies as a non-binary woman, but AFAB)  did really was abuse.

You are not alone in this realization and the self doubt that can creep in regarding the damage and abuse. It is very helpful, I have found, to journal and document as much as you possible can handle as a way to reorient yourself when the doubts begin to try and undermine the truth you have lived in.

I look forward to supporting you and seeing you out on the forum boards and hope you find your time here to be of great help and comfort to you!

[FoggyFrog]

Thanks for your kind words, Bloomie.
Yes,I am writing and documenting as I make sense of all that's gone on - and do find that they help.

[MaxedOut]

I am sorry you are going through all that FoggyFrog. It really is insidious when someone we love and want to do right by is skillful at reframing, gaslighting, etc. Congratulations on being out of an abusive relationship and having the FOG lift and clarity set in.

A reality check that helped me was thinking about whether other people or prior partners thought the same thing about me. We all have our areas where we maybe aren't where we'd like to be, and people with PDs will hone in on those as leverage points. But I knew the characterizations just weren't tracking with how others viewed me or what I knew of myself.

I am sorry that they seem to be going on the flip-tables and damage pathway. It's pretty common with PDs. I did a good bit of documentation as stuff happened and compiling earlier communications, incident timelines, etc. that showed my exes patterns of behaviors in case something like false accusations came my way. Even reporting and accusations as a category, as she had gone after health care providers, professional service folks, random people so I was able to come up with a list of other time she has accused folks, and those often had third parties, things disproving the accusations, etc.

Thankfully it didn't come into play in divorce (though she posted some totally false stuff to social media, but removed it quickly).