My dad died last week

[Sojourner17]

Hi all,  it's been a while since I've been on here.  A quick catch up is that I chose to cut contact with my unpd mom and consequently my dad as well just over a year ago after she said she was going to call the local RCMP to do a wellness check on us after not being able to contact me on the phone (we had been out of cell service camping). Maybe at some point I will post about that but for now I have a more pressing matter.

Last week my sister called saying my dad had had a stroke and they were at the hospital.  They were making plans to move him to the city for tests.  Once he was moved I called and asked to talk to him.  I was really upset and crying but I wanted him to hear that I loved  him.  I also talked to my mom and said I loved her.  I just needed to tell them.

They transferred him to another city to try a medication but he never responded and had a second stroke.  My mom decided to do comfort care and my sister texted me saying they were going to initiate comfort care protocol an hour later.  I asked to call and talk to him.  Even though he never regained consciousness I was able to talk to him and say goodbye.  He was gone within less than 24 hours.

It's been really hard navigating things with my mom.  I didn't talk to her the day dad died.  I had chosen to go to work and was cleaning houses when this all happened.  I currently live over 10 hours away from my mom and sister (and her family) my other sister also lives far away.  So the bulk of things have fallen on my sister who lives there.  I don't know much of how things have been going this past year as I asked my sisters to not get in the middle (they actually respected this request ... I'm not sure what to make of that either right now).

Phone calls with mom have not gone well and have included her hanging up on me when I said I didn't want to discuss the past year.  Neither my mom or the sister who lives there have asked how I'm doing.  I probably shouldn't even expect them to even though I've asked them how they are doing.

I could go on and tell more but I'm not sure if there is even a point to doing so.  I've told them I'm coming for the funeral and they have been asking how long I can stay, mom saying she needs me by her side, how long can I stay afterward.  She grudgingly told me when the funeral would be when I said I needed more information to make plans.

 My best friend was the one who forwarded my dad's memorial post from the funeral home.

It's such a mess and is so very, very hard.  Everything is so broken.

I've decided to go to the funeral because I want to have that closure, I want to honor my dad's memory.

[bloomie]

Sojourner17 - such a hard loss and something we cannot prepare for. My heart goes out to you!

From what you wrote, going to the funeral is what is best and right for you. I am thinking how hard it will be for you given how dysfunctional things are. You are dealing with a lot right now and my hope is that you will prepare for recovering and processing after the funeral and visits with estranged family are over.

Take good care of yourself as you go and know you are not alone. Supporting you in my heart and sending so much strength to you. We are here to listen as you are able to share!

[xredshoesx]

@Sojourner17 my heart goes out to you.  i'm sending you strength and love. I am so sorry about your dad.

[Sojourner17]

Thank you to both of you.  My husband says I need to figure out a way to liberate myself as we both know mom has not changed.

  It's hard to navigate because while she isn't answering my questions regarding the when and where and how of the funeral I'm not answering her as to how long I'm staying and why I can't stay. It's a lot of "well, couldn't you do this...?" Or "I seem to remember when (my husband) went for a death he stayed this long" my husband had to travel to a different continent. 

A part of me wants to be blunt and say that I'm just coming for the funeral and nothing else.  No overnights, nothing. 

I've been talking with a few friends about having to make tough choices where it doesn't matter the choice made it's still hard.  I need to make hard choices.  I don't have the luxury of natural progression of grief and support.  Yet I know I'm not alone and as long as those choices don't go against God's ways I am safe.... Just really uncomfortable.   

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Sojourner,
I am so sorry for your loss and for what you are going through. Please look after yourself. If you don't want to stay after the funeral, don't stay after the funeral. Your mum will use it as a way to emotionally drain you. You've been no contact with her for a reason. And yes she lost her partner but you lost your dad, and you need support too, which I am sure she won't be able to offer. Your sister is there and can be available for the more pressing matters which need to be dealt with from up close. You can keep your distance.

My dad died last year and, since then, my relationship with my mum has gone downhill. She has sided with my BPD sister and chose to believe the lies she's told her about me. My mum is ill with cancer and she will have an operation soon but I decided not to go visit because last time I did, it was awful.

This is to say it's ok to put yourself first. It's ok to not want to stay around after the funeral. And your mum bringing up your husband's stay for another funeral as an argument for how long you should stay is childish bargaining and shows disrespect to you as a grown adult person.

Only stay if *you* want to stay, for yourself, not for anyone else.

[Sojourner17]

Thank you,  my condolences on the loss of your dad last year.  It is so hard.  I know this too shall pass but it's still hard. 

[moglow]

@Sojourner17 I'm sorry for your loss and all the push-me pull-you that you may be subjected to now. People aren't at their best while navigating those waters and I'm afraid our mothers can and will take that to a whole other level. They're not and won't be at their best,  that's for sure.

While you make your plans for travel, remember she's not the only who's suffered a loss here - you all have. Hers doesn't take precedence over yours or anyone else's. Mine put on some of her finest performances after losses in our family, seemed to see them as opportunity to Lord it over everyone else, discounting that we were all gathered for the same reason.

My best suggestions: Don't go alone and limit any interactions with her, whether one on one or in a group. Visit with other family members, excuse yourself to step outside when needed to break off uncomfortable conversations. I'd be willing to bet more than a few others have experienced some of her outburst and will be able to help you. If you find you can't be around her at all, do that. Without apology or explanation.

No one gets to dictate how or how long we grieve. Take care to not discount the toll all this can take on you. Whatever soothes and comforts you, do that. 

Most of all, know that you're not alone. We're here with you.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi Sojourner, I'm sorry for your loss and that all of this is so fraught and complicated for you. I think the suggestions and feedback you've gotten are solid. I think you are brave to consider going to the funeral.

Forgive me if I am not correct, but I think your mother was the one stalking your kids at their daycare a few years ago. It sounds as though they are definitely not going to the funeral, and rightly so. In the midst of all your grief, you and your husband also get to be there for your kids in supporting them! Depending on their ages they may have their own memories of grandpa, or grieving the idea of having grandparents anew in some way. It's a lot and I'm so glad you are seeking support.

[Adria]

I'm sorry Sojourner. You have my deepest sympathy.  Hugs, Adria

[TimetoHeal]

Hi, Sojourner,

I remember you.  I am deeply sorry for the loss of your father.  You are so right there are no easy answers.  My heart and prayers go out to you.  Please allow yourself to grieve and take the time and care of yourself you need to. 

[Sojourner17]

Thank you all,  it's been a bit of a whirlwind!  I went to the funeral.  My husband and our boys came with me in the end.  We kept it as brief and short as we could.  When we got to my hometown my youngest sister messaged me upset as something had happened between her and my mom.  I'm not exactly sure what happened but it had something to do with my sister not wanting to go to the open casket and mom being upset.  I had already told them I would not be going to that. 

When we got there mom had a sour angry expression.  She barely hugged me and completely ignored my husband.  I felt like a stranger and intruder in my childhood home.  It was very uncomfortable. At one point she pulled me away to her room and attempted to lecture me on my decision to not come out earlier.  I tried to stay calm and said now is not the time to talk about this.  She said something about losing her husband and needing me to be there for her.  I told her mom, I lost my dad.  She kept pushing that I should be there for her in her need and I told her I don't want to talk about this and walked out.  I was pretty shaken up and in my upset told my uncle that I was trying while I was going back into the livingroom.  I think he went and talked to my mom but I'm not sure. 

My other sister and one of my foster sisters were cold but did talk to me. One of my aunts and my uncles talked to me but the other aunt was a bit cold. 

The grandchildren went in the limo with my mom so we let the boys go with them.  From what the boys said it went ok. 

At the church we kept our distance and just talked to the more distant family members until the director had us organized to go into the funeral.  My youngest sister did come to the funeral.  Unfortunately when the minister was mentioning all the family he neglected to mention her.   

The funeral itself went well. 

We went to lunch afterward. My husband tried to talk to my mom and give condolences.  She barely acknowledged him.  Luckily quite a few of my friends and a family that are friends of ours as a couple were there so he and the boys sat with them while I talked with people from the community and people I knew growing up. 

That part (talking to people I knew) was probably the best part of the whole ordeal.  I actually felt love, care and concern as well as a gladness to see eachother (I was glad to see them and it was mutual!).

The boys played with their friends during that time. 

At one point I tried to talk to one of mom's cousins.  Usually shy but friendly he and his wife were not all that nice, curt and abrupt with what I felt was an underlying disapproval and anger.  I see them maybe every 10 years or so so I was kind of taken back by that.  Just shows how far reaching this goes! 

We decided to leave right after the graveside internment and told the family that right at the graveside.  My mom was seething but didn't say anything.  I'm really glad we left then! 

I'm feeling a lot of feelings at the moment writing this.  Anger, frustration, gratefulness for the people who CARED about us,... grief for my dad and not getting to have that reconciliation or relationship with him... resignation at not ever having that. 

It's hard!

[Sojourner17]

I could actually write more.  Before the funeral I called home to say I would not be coming until the funeral.  I told mom if she wanted I could call and be a part of the meeting with the funeral home. She said she and my sister would do the meeting and wouldn't tell me the time.  She started saying she needed me there, she just lost her husband and more.  I said that I lost my dad.  She said well it's all about you, this whole last year has been all about you.  I told her now wasn't the time to talk about that and she hung up on me. 

I still don't know what to think about that.  I feel shock, I feel like I'm being strangled.  Like I can't talk.  Like I'm being choked.  It's a horrible feeling.  I'm also feeling a lot of anger. 

[moglow]

I'm so sorry, @Sojourner17 - the callous disregard that you're also grieving is too familiar. I'm sure she's been busy drawing battle lines and can only hope that you'll find more peace now at least the funeral is behind you. It may be that more people have seen your mother for who she really is than you think. There's truly a comfort in not explaining either her or your position where she's concerned. That's no one's business but yours. People really do show us who they are eventually.

Just read your other post. Damn her and her lashing out!! I know it's all impulsive drives and out of emotion and even "payback" in her mind, but still. You didn't deserve that. You are t responsible for any of that. Do what YOU need and make no apologies.

[moglow]

And if I may - consider reaching out to your younger sister if you haven't already. Sounds like she might could use a shoulder right now too, even to just vent so y'all can put mother's stuff down for a while.

[Sojourner17]

Thank you Moglow.  I was pretty curt in shutting her down when she started saying it was all about me.  I had something rise up in me that was kind of like "aw hell no!  You aren't going to get to go there right now!" And my saying I didn't want to go there came out pretty snippy.  I just couldn't get into that.  Her tone was dripping with contempt, I felt hatred.  I felt hated.  It was awful.  That happening was the last conversation,  other than some texts, with her before we saw her the day of the funeral. 

I am in brief conversations with my youngest sister.  At the lunch she came to me saying no one wanted her and mentioned she wasn't mentioned during the ministers saying the family names during his talk.  I hugged her for a long time and just kept on saying she was wanted and was loved into her ear.  My heart was breaking for her. 

[moglow]

It all sounds horribly familiar. The contempt. Hatred. Her disregard for others. 

You were absolutely right, by the way. There was no reason to get into any of that with her, no good purpose would be served especially right now. She just wants a whipping boy. I'm sure she'll rewrite all that soon enough to justify herself, that *you* demanded xyz.

Just breathe. You cant fix her and it's truly not your job anyway. I'm here with you.

[TimetoHeal]

I could actually write more.  Before the funeral I called home to say I would not be coming until the funeral.  I told mom if she wanted I could call and be a part of the meeting with the funeral home. She said she and my sister would do the meeting and wouldn't tell me the time.  She started saying she needed me there, she just lost her husband and more.  I said that I lost my dad.  She said well it's all about you, this whole last year has been all about you.  I told her now wasn't the time to talk about that and she hung up on me. 

I still don't know what to think about that.  I feel shock, I feel like I'm being strangled.  Like I can't talk.  Like I'm being choked.  It's a horrible feeling.  I'm also feeling a lot of anger. 

Oh, my goodness.  No wonder you are feeling all these things.  Your grief, your loss, was completely discounted.  I know you can see the projection she did there ("It's all about you!").  Of course, it's all about her.  Nobody else has lost a loved one. 

I'm in awe of you for being able to go through with attending the funeral and handle all that and come away with your head held high.  Try to take the positive, the love and concern shown to you from authentic people, and hold on to that as the days pass. 

[Sojourner17]

Thank you Time To Heal.  I was so grateful for our friends coming.  We had a core group of 8 that were there solely for our family.  The only connection to my family and them was my husband and I and the boys.  Just knowing they were with me and watching out for us was such a help. 

Honestly,  I'm not sure when I will actually start grieving my dad.  Part of me has been grieving the lack of relationship for years.  It's such a strange grief. 

[walking on broken glass]

Sojourner, the hardest part is done! You've dealt with your mum, you made it through one of the most difficult times of your life. You can now take a moment to breathe. The feelings will all settle eventually; it just takes time.

You have behaved with the greatest empathy and compassion towards both your sister and your mum, even though she was being really horrible to you. You said goodbye to your dad and you held your ground when your mum tried to make it all about her. I know other feelings are prevalent now but you should be really proud of yourself. You did great.

I have heard that, when you're ready, it helps talking about your dad with people who also knew him and are willing to share stories. I actually didn't do that myself, as I didn't really have anyone to do it with, apart from my partner who only had some recent memories of my dad, a few years before he died. Grief is difficult when the relationship was complicated. I don't think I have worked through it yet. But it does get better with time.

[Sojourner17]

Thank you.  It was quite difficult.  I'm glad I did it the way I did given the circumstances. 

I wish I had people to talk to about my dad that knew him.  A few of my friends from home knew him but no one who would have known him beyond that.  My uncle has already passed and I have no relationship with my cousins on that side of the family due to age and distance.

 I'm not really wanting to talk to my mom regarding stories about him.   Maybe getting her to tell me stories about him would be a good thing but I'm just too upset at her to even attempt it right now. 

The other day my youngest and middle sons were having a dispute over LEGO.  I was trying to help them come to a resolution.  My youngest son who is six said to me "mom,  I will give him the pieces later but I'm just too mad at him to give them right now". 
I was amazed at his insight and honoured him in what he said. 


That's kinda how I feel right now.