Mom admitted to hospital (psych)

[TimetoHeal]

I'm sorry to keep blowing up this board. The latest is mom was admitted for psychiatric evaluation (voluntary, she signed). The doctor thinks she is hallucinating. I don't know what to think. I'm exhausted. I bawled my eyes out when I left her there. I feel like I betrayed her. It was awful. She looked so broken. I just pray they can get her to some level of stability. Mental illness is evil.

[Call Me Cordelia]

No wonder you feel all of that! I hope the cry helped release some of that emotion. If she seems to be hallucinating that really is the best thing you could have done. You are doing so so well.

[TimetoHeal]

Thank you so much, Cordelia. 

I keep going back and forth from I did the right thing to I need to go break her out of there.  LOL (but not funny).  I wish, how I wish, she had listened to me and sought help before it became an emergency.  I just pray it is not too late.  If she has dementia, how could I have missed it?  I was supposed to have seen it.  I don't even know if that's it yet, I'm just going through all the possibilities.  Maybe I'll have more answers tomorrow. 

[TimetoHeal]

What a day.  I called up to the hospital where my mother is this morning, and asked if and when she could have visitors.  The nurse said my mom would have to call me and give me a code.  They definitely don't just let people waltz in and out of the psych ward.  Anyway, I waited and waited all day and never heard anything.  I finally allowed myself to take a shower and missed a call from the social worker who had called to update me, and who is now gone until Monday because of the holiday!    So I finally called the unit again and a sweet nurse had pity on me and went to ask my mom if she wanted to talk to me (they do not allow cell phones at all, which I think is a good thing).  I finally heard her voice, and I felt like a little kid that found her mother.  She sounds coherent but maybe slightly sluggish. She was hungry and wanting to eat, which is a good sign.  She did not complain at all, but I feel like she was surrounded by staff.  Anyway, I will go visit her tomorrow and maybe I can at least talk to a doctor if not the social worker and get some answers.  I believe she probably won't be able to go home by herself, although I know I am getting ahead of myself, so the assisted living thing will probably be coming about eventually, but damn, did it have to go down like this?    Trying to keep my humor in all this.  Nothing is easy with my mom. 

I am fully prepared that they may try to send her home with me, and I know to stand my ground and say no.  Thankfully, my mother is still competent enough and my brother already did a lot of the leg work with the AL facilities, so hopefully, this will have a "happy" ending. 

Thank you all for this outlet here.  You guys and my friends are keeping me sane.   
 

[walking on broken glass]

I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time, Time to heal. You are doing all the right things. Your mum needs to be where she is, it's for her own good. Don't forget that. I hope things go more smoothly from now on.

[TimetoHeal]

Thank you, WOBG.

I visited her today and it was horrible.  She looks worse than before.  The nurse says they only started her on an antidepressant, but she is slumped over in her chair like she is drugged out of her mind.  The nurse says she wouldn't get up to go to the bathroom, and she peed in the bed last night.  My mother said she couldn't go when they took her, and then they left her in her pee for hours and hours.  She says they're being mean to her and nobody believes her.  I don't know what the hell to believe. I bawled the whole time, which I'm sure made things so much worse.  They only let you stay for an hour, so they escorted me out after exactly an hour.  I feel like I've left her in prison or a torture chamber. 

I called my brother when I left there just a mess.  He called and was able to get a little more information from the nurse.  (He's the take charge business guy.  I see why she made him her POA.  That was actually a smart choice).  They told him they can't find anything physically wrong with her and it's definitely all psychiatric.  They think she's hallucinating still.  My brother reassured me he thinks she's in the right place, but he hasn't seen her. 

I just don't know how I can go back up there again.  Today about did me in.  But how can I leave her alone there to get worse and worse?  I have never felt this confused and lost and sad. 

[walking on broken glass]

I am so sorry, Time to heal. Please remember that your mum is there because she needs to be there to get help. It's not a punishment or a torture. It might take a while but ultimately it will be for the best. You are doing everything right. Is it possible to take a break from visiting if it's too much for you? You don't have to go every day. She is looked after.
Keep in mind that what your mum says cannot necessarily be trusted. Keep talking to the staff to get more rounded information. Sending you hugs xx

[TimetoHeal]

Thank you for answering, WOBG.

You are right. She does need to be there.  Something has obviously happened on top her her "every day" PD, and she needs help I can't give her.  She can't go back home. 

I plan to go to see her today because I have a precious friend who volunteered to drive me so that I don't have to go alone and drive home crying my eyes out.  I will see how today goes whether or not I can bear to go tomorrow.  It sounds like she will be there at least a week, and I absolutely have to go back to work on Monday, so I'm trying to make the most of this weekend, because I know I won't be able to go every day afterwards. 

I was so down on myself last night thinking if I'd just gone over there Tuesday when she offered me the money and I was so upset and cut her off, maybe this could have been avoided.  I had to look back on all the messages and emails I had sent her over the last several months BEGGING her to get help, in addition to my posts here, to assure myself I DID try to avoid this.  Still...

[TimetoHeal]

I forgot to add, also, about everything she says not being 100% true - that makes a lot of sense, since she is hallucinating.  Also, I think she was showing some signs of paranoia the last time I saw her at home.  She had an Amazon package delivered while I was there and she said the delivery man looked like he hated her and could just kill her.  At the time, I chalked it up to her usual anger, disgruntledness, and honestly, racism.  But looking back, I think it could have been paranoia.  That's what makes PD so insidious is being able to tell when something is truly wrong and when the sky is just falling for them for the umpteenth million time. 

[Tribe16]

Time to Heal,
Ugggh, I am so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine your stress level is skyrocketing right now.

visited her today and it was horrible.  She looks worse than before.  The nurse says they only started her on an antidepressant, but she is slumped over in her chair like she is drugged out of her mind.  The nurse says she wouldn't get up to go to the bathroom, and she peed in the bed last night.  My mother said she couldn't go when they took her, and then they left her in her pee for hours and hours.  She says they're being mean to her and nobody believes her.  I don't know what the hell to believe. I bawled the whole time, which I'm sure made things so much worse.  They only let you stay for an hour, so they escorted me out after exactly an hour.  I feel like I've left her in prison or a torture chamber. 

Please remind yourself, repeat after me, "I did not cause this. I did the best I could to encourage her to address this before it got this bad. This is a consequence of her actions, not mine." And mental patients do lie and nurses are busy so two things can be true that it's bad, but not as bad as she is making it sound.

My MIL was in a geriatric psych ward to get her meds regulated - she was  in the beginning stages of dementia, was seeing different doctors, was extremely secretive, was getting lots of RXs that she probably shouldn't have been getting. Psych wards are scary places, you will never forget the things you see there, but they do help. My MIL told us she "hated our guts" for putting her there. It got really ugly. But I totally believe it was for the best. But it got real bad, real ugly before it got better so prepare your heart for that.

Please, please don't torment yourself about this - you've been programmed to feel the guilt and it it may be more grief masked as guilt. Please feel free to vent here and saying a little prayer for you right now that you can get through this. {{{{hugs}}}}

[TimetoHeal]

Thank you so much, Tribe.

I am literally repeating the words you wrote to myself and will continue to do so. 

You hit the nail on the head with grief.  That is what I am feeling.  I have been feeling it the last several years as I've watched her slip farther and farther away.  To add to the trauma, 18 years ago my dad was admitted to the hospital on July 3rd and never came out.  He had a brain disease that wasn't diagnosed until about 2 days before he died.  It was so traumatic how fast it happened.  I am convinced this is what is going to happen to my mother now, exactly 18 years later.

I am not handling this well.  I am leaning on my friends, but I really need a therapist or counselor.  I am between T's because mine moved last year.  Maybe the social worker at the hospital can recommend someone to me.  Thank you so much for your prayers.   

[walking on broken glass]

You definitely did not cause this and you definitely could not prevent it! Be kind to yourself 

It's also really stressful now because it is the initial stages, where you don't know exactly what is going on with your mum, and you need to let some time pass for the doctors to have a clearer view, and for your mum to calm down. I understand your anxiety and your fear based on what happened with your dad but it doesn't have to be the same this time around. And unfortunately with PDs, they have to sometimes hit rock bottom in order to get the help they need.

ETA
PS: I know we are not therapists but write here as often as you want. It might help a bit!

[TimetoHeal]

You definitely did not cause this and you definitely could not prevent it! Be kind to yourself 

Thank you so much, WOBG!   

I hope this is her "rock bottom" and she will finally make a turn around.  I know she can't be cured, but surely she can be more stable.

[TimetoHeal]

Update of the Day:

Brother is coming from 6 hours away, and he is going to try and get mom out of the psych facility and into assisted living.  He has POA, so if anybody can do that, he can.  He finally was able to talk to her on the phone, and she told him she was in Hell.  I would have to agree with that statement, having visited Hell the last few days.  I have mixed feelings because I want her to continue treatment, and there's no guarantee if she's released.  But I really don't want her where she is either.  From what friends have told me, there are much better psych facilities in the city. 

Ironically I visited her right after her phone call with him, and I did not know he had talked to her.  She looked 1000% better than yesterday:  walking around, showered, no more leaning over in a wheelchair barely able to talk.  I thought, could her medicine be working that fast?  Then she said brother had called and said he was going to get her out, so maybe that is what perked her up.  I didn't even know if that was true, but when I left there and called him, sure enough, he's on the road over here.  She said the staff was talking to her mean and talking to the other residents mean.  I would love to believe that's 100% not true, but I worked in nursing homes years ago, and know it can and does happen.  Like I said, I don't know what to believe. 

So, I'm back to, Okay brother, you've got POA, take it from here, and let me know what you need! 

[walking on broken glass]

That's a good update! I am glad your brother is coming to exercise his "authority" for lack of a better word. You can now take a step back and breathe! I too can believe that treatment can be far from satisfactory in these facilities, unfortunately.

Is it possible to have psychiatric evaluation and treatment in the assisted living facility? If they know what kinds of medication your mum needs, she can maybe continue to receive it while living there.

[TimetoHeal]

Thank you, WOBG!  I think it's a good update too.  It's out of my hands to a large degree now.

I think she will have to have some level of assessment in order to be admitted to the AL, whether she can be independent or truly needs AL.  I would have said independent with just somebody to check on her daily, cook her meals, and drive her to doctors appointments before this hospitalization.  Now, I'm not sure. 

Today is much better for me at least.  I am at home, sipping coffee, waiting to see if my brother calls to update me and if he needs anything.  Otherwise, I am breathing for now. 

[Rebel13]

I'm so glad you are feeling a bit better today! I have had a couple of older friends go through psych admissions and it is not at all a good scenario, and at the same time, maybe necessary, to get them stabilized. I'm not sure. It's definitely hard to watch though. Getting older is just so hard on all of us.

I hope your mom gets into a situation where she's safe and her needs are met, so that you can continue to relax about her well-being.

[lkdrymom]

Very proud of you for keeping your boundaries. She is exactly where she needs to be.  You cannot fix her on your own.  Let your brother take the lead and get her into assisted living. This way she will be safe and looked after which is the best you can do for her at this point.

[TimetoHeal]

Thank you Rebel and lkdrymom.

I've waffled back and forth between she is where she needs to be to she needs to get out of there ASAP.  She definitely needs treatment somewhere.  I wish she could have gone to the hospital that has a better reputation in our city.  My friend who is a nurse said we can request a transfer to there. 

I don't know. I'm trying hard to take my hands off and let brother handle it, but he does want my input.  But I think he sees it a little differently than me, like get her out of there at all costs, even to bring her home with a 24 hr caregiver.  I just don't know, because if she's not stable, what's to keep her from quitting her meds, firing the caregiver, and being right back to dialing 911?  Then we're back to square one, and he's back in the state where he lives 6 hours away.  I'm just trying to take it moment by moment and not "catastrophize", which I know I am prone to do. 

[walking on broken glass]

I don't think you are catastrophising, Time to heal. I think you are being realistic. What you described is not an unlikely scenario and you are right to warn your brother about it. Since he wants your input, maybe you can tell him about the hospital transfer? It makes sense to want to protect yourself from future problems. And, as you said, he won't be around and you will have to deal with it.