Seeking advice on self-reassurance and grey rocking techniques

[bend_dont_break]

Hi everyone, I have one sibling who I am pretty sure has ASPD - tends to be very bored, no empathy, very weird/unpredictable reactions to things, has (indirectly) threatened my life. I have a lot of baggage from growing up with this and not having our parents support me at all in dealing with him doing and saying awful things to me.

I'd always hoped he would come to value our relationship when we became adults but that did not happen. Instead I made the mistake of blowing up at him for his total lack of regard for me and I told him I'd never speak to him again.

That was maybe 20 years ago at this point. A few years ago I told him, hey, I'm over it, I have no expectations of you but I wish I'd never blown up at you like that, so don't worry about it.

He came back with some weird stuff, but the gist was that he was not interested in talking either.

Now our elderly parents need help. We all live in different states (parents in one state, me in another, brother in another) so it's kind of long distance and we keep traveling to stay with our parents off and on.

I have realized I am so nervous about running into my sibling and needing to spend time with him. I am trying to prepare responses for all the horrible things he might say to me. Boring responses, like: it makes sense that you'd think this.

I am also worried about him doing things to physically harm me. (I am not even going to type out my fears just in case it could give someone ideas!!) I know this seems unhinged but I truly do not know that he is above anything. His behavior has always baffled and disturbed me.

Any advice for this kind of thing? I want to be able to focus on helping our parents and not worry about him harming me.

[xredshoesx]

welcome to the group @bend_dont_break

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation with an abusive sibling- and it has to be be very stressful bc you now have to work together to coordinate care for your parents-  but at the same time these are the parents that could not/would not protect you from this sibling.  I am glad you are reaching out here bc we definitely GET IT, but I am also concerned for your safety too.  my best advice without knowing all the parts that make the gears turn-  since your parents are elderly I suggest you and your sibling(s) meet with an attorney that specializes in elder care situations and use the template they help you plan to determine how much contact you need to have with the sibling while at the same time helping your parents as much as you feel able to.

here is the part of the group where we support each other when a uPD/ PD sibling is in the mix

Dealing with PD Siblings and other Family Members

some of the things our members are doing to cope with their own elderly PD/ uPD parents may give you examples of the different kind of care situations they have set up when they cannot be physically present to assist with an elderly parent.

Dealing with PD Elderly Family Members


be gentle with yourself today.  from what you shared it sounds like you are becoming the 'adult' now in the family and that is a heavy enough role when you are dealing with elderly parents when all the other family members are nons (non PD peoples). 

when you are ready to share more- we're here for you

[bloomie]

bend_dont_break - what a difficult road it sounds like you have been on for many years with this sibling. Elderly, fragile parents needing coordination of care puts incredible pressure on sibling relationships that are strained, broken, where the distance between us is because they are unsafe for us to be in relationship with - something many of us find our parents refuse to, or are unable to, acknowledge and respect.

All of that to say, I have been in similar shoes and it is intense. Finding this community who will support you is like nothing else I have found. I hope you will share as you are able and that you will keep your safety and well-being as a priority.

Welcome!