What am I missing???

[Deby64]

Oh my, I've been settling into my new home for 2 weeks now. Doing good not responding or reaching out to updh. Last night out of nowhere I have a full on melt down. I couldn't put together some doggy steps and just fell out crying hysterically. It took all I had not to call the updh. Why, why, why. I know he's like a drug to me and I'm going through withdrawal. This morning in a much better space and had to ask myself. What is it I'm missing from him. The abuse disgusted as LOVE. Really. I'm working on giving myself grace. I was conditioned for 42 years, yet. This is ridiculous.

[square]

You're going through a lot right now. Impending divorce, moving out, recent surgery, other stuff.

It is scientifically shown that compounded stresses lead to reduced ability to manage even minor stresses elsewhere. So putting something together is a minor frustration, but all your Frustration Management is already occupied with some big projects.

It's okay to miss him and okay to love him. It's very complicated. You built a life and a family with this man. And whether he would have been helpful to you or not, it's natural to think to lean on a life partner.

And so, so confusing to realize you can't.

[MaxedOut]

It happens. You are also probably grieving-a complex sort of grief about how things were, what you went through, what you maybe thought about the person he was or you were, the future. You have probably also spent a fair amount of time in fear and worry about life after leaving (even if it was mostly positive).

It feels like the type of task may have been riper for triggering stuff? I am guessing from what you've written prior, assembling/building things may have been something your husband may have seen as his gendered role, or the sort of reason you shouldn't be without him, or may have criticized or poked fun at you for, or just the sort of thing you were happy to let him handle so you didn't have to hassle with it?

And stuff like handy person tasks or cooking tend to lay bare that we are no longer in the space we are used to with the things we need in the places we are used to having them. I had a few fast-to-frustration moments just from being in a new/temporary place and not having basic tools, or my good knives and a decent cutting booked, or going to a holiday party having bought some cool stuff and remembering to get wrapping paper then realizing I didn't have tape... or scissors... or ribbon... or anything else. And, my ex did the majority of wrapping gifts.

That person who we'd have there when we are frustrated or have a meltdown isn't there. Even if they didn't typically navigate those situations well, provide support, or weren't even someone we felt we could express such emotions around, we were used to their presence.

This was a weird one for me.... Sometimes I had the urge, when I wasn't doing well, to reach out, so my ex knew I was having hard moments too. I got a lot of abusive accusations about not caring, never loving her, being able to just leave like it was nothing, etc. And for years had spent time and effort trying to show her that characterizations and accusations she had weren't true because she sure didn't listen to what I said at times like that. But the thing is, showing her different from whatever accusations she had never really made a difference the next time she was dysregulated or angry. I was on a pedestal sometimes and pure evil sometimes and neither of those lenses was true or really grounded in reality. Sometimes thinking about the urge to reach out or what thoughts preceded that, or of I had some script in my head about the conversation could help me see what it was all about better.

This will probably happen a few more times, Deby64, but not as bad and the urge to reach out will fade soonish especially if you keep doing what you're doing and not hooking yourself back in. And you didn't get swept up in the urge. You recognized the pull and that it would not be good for you. That's huge. So many people just cycle back to abusive exes, getting swept up in the emotional intensity.

You are doing great. It just takes some adjustment for the trauma bond and emotional pathways and habits to catch up with our minds and wisdom and souls. And when we have a frustration and meltdown is a pretty common point for those learned instincts to resurface.

[Ann]

 This is so helpful for those of us just starting to be without them.
I'll be there soon in my own place (I hope) so I am following along.
You are doing great Deby64!!

[GoodPesto]

Hi Deby,
I've been reading your posts since I registered and am deeply impressed by your strength. First of all not many would be able to get out after so many years. Then to me you seem to be seeing quite clearly what's going on which is also very difficult when there is pretty much no distance and so much time spent together. You must be a b*d*ss woman to start over, having had major surgery just recently on top of all that.
I do not understand why humans were built this way and cycle back to what's destroying them or why trauma bonds were invented. I've been there myself more often than I can count and I applaud you for having resisted to reach out to unPDh when you were devestated.

[square]

The majority of us were built to love. Part of loving is forming deep bonds, working past conflicts, overlooking or discounting flaws in our loved ones, being supportive, taking feedback, and being loyal.

These traits work really well to forge bonds with normal, flawed, but nondisordered people. Nobody is perfect, so when it works well it helps us to stay close to people who are snippy after a bad day but feel bad about it later and do something to make up for it, people who snore and chew loudly, people who don't put the cap back on the milk tightly. And even people who said or did full on crummy things sometimes but who have your back when you need them.

It's a feature and not a bug to be bonded to another human being. It's just that the feature can be exploited by hackers.

[Deby64]

Wow, the ability to share here and be received and understood without judgement is truly my saving grace. I find myself talking to myself all day asking "What about his presence do you miss?" The truth is his absence is about a physical need to have a hug or peck on the forehead. I have to recall those moments are always followed by something I could be doing better. I've come to realize I'm grieving the illusion of what I hoped for. Not the reality of what was and is. I know he loves me in his own sick, sick,sick way. I believes all his "corrections" were for my own good. He's to blind to see he wasn't accepting me for who I am. I'm grieving over me staying 42 years not opening my mind and heart up to the truth that I am powerless over another human being and could never change him. The no contact is very difficult for me, yet I know if I reach out his sick mind will say " See, she still needs me". He's texted a few times attempting to be sweet checking in on me. My responses are short and polite " I'm good". Sad part is this moved took my savings so now I can't afford the divorce attorney right away. He hasn't even mentioned the divorce anymore. I'm just going to remain silent about divorce until I have my ducks back in a row.
Once again thanks for the advice, understanding and encouraging words💜💜

[Rebel13]

Deby, you have such great insight! I'm just amazed by your posts and how well you are handling the extremely stressful circumstances you've been through. You are so right to question your feelings of "missing" your H and ask yourself what exactly that feeling is about. I think all of what you're experiencing is so completely normal and you are doing just great. Just hang in there -- you are on the path.

[Deby64]

Thanks Rebel13, I'm seriously doing the internal work to heal. God knew I needed this time alone. I wanted to return to work early and not realize that was just a way to distract me from the work on self that needs to be done.