Partner trying to make me go to the doctor for known health issues

[Hattie]

Hi,

My boyfriend repeatedly implores me to go to the doctor for health issues that are either minor eg.a cold, or known chronic health issues, eg. autoimmune issues that I've been living with for 20 years. I've been advised by my specialist who I see on a yearly basis that unfortunately my health issues are not really treatable as I get side effects from the available medications, so it's just a case of living with them, which I do quite successfully (full time job, active social life etc).

My boyfriend is very unaccepting of this and seems to expect me to me constantly healthy and energetic, which I find bizarre given that I'm an average tired middle aged woman.

He tries to frame this as caring but honestly it feels the opposite, as when I am not feeling my best and would just like him to be kind and supportive, he instead chastises me for not seeking medical attention. (Even though I have talked to doctors about all my health complaints and have annual checkups with the relevant practioners).

I've tried to set a boundary with him that I am a grown woman (who works in a health related field) and that I'm perfectly capable deciding when to seek medical attention, but he constantly pushes this boundary. I feel angry and unseen about this.

Now, I'm on this forum because of my NMum and NEx. I don't think my current boyfriend is a narc, as he has empathy and is capable of self reflection. However like me he grew up in a toxic family system and I think he has "fleas" ie. Some learnt unhealthy traits.

Just wondering if anyone else has run into this? I'm losing my patience with it a bit.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

This sounds really irritating, Hattie.  I'm sorry he's doing this.  I only experienced the opposite -- wanting me to pretend like I'm fine when there's something serious that needs attention.

If your partner is capable of self-reflection, would he be capable of hearing that this doesn't feel like it's coming from support or care, but more from his disappointment in your reduced capacity?  It would be wonderful to have a partner be able to hear what you told us.  But  maybe his fleas are too thick, still. 

[walking on broken glass]

I am sorry your partner uses the guise of concern to pressure you. If you told him that this is about him and not you, and that he is putting you under pressure, would he be able to hear it and change his behaviour? If he is empathetic, he may able to hear that his behaviour is tiring you out and try to change it.

[Catothecat]

I second what the others have said about the need for a serious discussion.  He needs to accept you as you are and drop his expectations.  But I wonder if he's also frightened by your illness.  Some people cannot deal with health issues in others because it makes them feel vulnerable.  They know they "could be next," especially as they age, and prefer not to be reminded.   If the shoe was on the other foot and he developed a chronic health issue, how would he expect you to respond? Or would he deflect the issue and say it will never happen to me because "I take care of myself"?  How he answers such questions can provide you with more information on what to do next.