Expressing frustration

[walking on broken glass]

I have been thinking more and more of healthy ways to express one's anger and frustration. This is something that I struggle with, since in my family my anger was always invalidated and suppressed. I think I have gradually become better at showing when I am annoyed with something but my first reaction is always to doubt whether I should be angry or wonder if I am overreacting. As a result, I often do not react on the spot as I would like to or I under-react, and then I reflect back and think I could have been more poignant. But even when I do realize that I am angry and that I have a reason to be, I find hard to express this in a clear but measured way. What to me is clear signs of annoyance might pass undetected to other people.

I've been thinking about this again because of the frustrating interaction I had with my friend about my mum (posted on the parents' forum). It's the same friend I had posted about before on the friends' forum (https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=94581.0) and I realize that, even though I value this friendship and I feel close to this person, frustrating conversations like that keep coming up, and I don't think I have found the best way to handle them. I know that one reason for my annoyance is certain traits in her personality which are not going to change nor should I try to control them, but I was wondering what I can do, on my part, to mitigate this feeling of frustration. One thing I can detect is my tendency to JADE when someone disagrees with me and challenges my views/choices. I am not saying that we shouldn't have conversations with friends with differing views and argue for our opinions, of course we should. But with certain matters, like the issue with my mum, justifying my decision not to take her bait to my friend made me feel like my choice was questioned and invalidated. And this has come up before. I was talking with this friend about a colleague, whom I will meet soon, and who has certain views on a political subject that both my friend and I disagree with, and my friend said to me "why do you want to meet this person? She is trash", and then I ended up explaining to her why this is not as black and white as she paints it, and why having a coffee with this person once in a blue moon does not equal a compromise in my beliefs and ideology. But I realize that her rigid stance and my tendency to explain myself always lead to such exchanges, where she challenges something I do or think, and then I justify myself, and later I feel frustrated because it is implied that her view is the right one and I have to explain why I diverge from it. I don't appreciate it but I am not sure how to change the dynamic. My instinctive thought is to say 'why do you think your view is more valid than mine?' but that of course would immediately put her on defence and comes across as quite aggressive. 'I disagree' or 'that's your view' without a follow-up also sound quite dry to me but perhaps that's my conditioning talking? What would be a better way to handle this, if I want to continue to engage with this person? And in the next issue that arises, how can I express that this is something that happens a lot and I don't like it, without sounding like I am attacking her whole personality? She's told me that her therapist has said to her that she is prone to being judegemental, so I guess it's not exactly news to her, but she still doesn't seem conscious of her behaviour.

Hitting the right level of annoyance in communication is something that I think is valuable in general, not only with this particular friend. But it's the latest - and recurring - example I've got.

[TimetoHeal]

Good for you for seeking ways to deal with this proactively, WOBG! 

I can't say I've got any great advice for you here, because this is something I struggle with myself with my friends.  I tend to avoid confrontation at all costs, which is know is not always possible, and I need to learn better assertiveness skills.

It concerns me a little bit that your friend would call someone else "trash".  I mean he or she may or may not be a good person, but I would imagine they have some redeeming qualities if you want to spend time with them.  I try to generally avoid using derogatory words like that about other people (even if I think it!  ).  Does your friend talk like this frequently about other people? 

There is a page in a book I have with assertive, non-defensive phrases for communication.  I don't have it with me now, but when I find it, I will post some examples.  I know one example is like "I understand you feel that way".  That sort of thing.  I'll get back to you with more!

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Time to heal! My therapist recommended to look into non violent communication as well, which sounds interesting.

Yes, my friend is quite hot tempered and does use exaggerated words. I personally would use 'trash' for someone like Andrew Tate, not for people around me with problematic traits. If you constantly operate on extreme vocabulary I find it loses its force!

[TimetoHeal]

Ha!  When you said Andrew Tate, I was like, "Yep, now there's an exception!".   

Here's some examples from the book Mothers Who Can't Love by Susan Forward (great book, by the way) on page 200.

Nondefensive Phrases:

Really?
I see.
I understand.
That's interesting.
That's your choice.
I'm sure you see it that way.
You're entitled to your opinion.
I'm sorry you're upset.
This is nonnegotiable. 
I don't choose to have this conversation.
This subject is off-limits.

I hope I'm not breaking any rules by posting this, and I hope the moderators will let me know if I have.  Anyway, I don't know if this is the kind of thing that may help with your friend.  I guess it doesn't really help you express your frustration as much as it just diffuses a potentially heated exchange.  I'd be interest in hearing what book your therapist recommends!

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks so much, Time to heal! It's good to have a rough guide for when the need arises. I think my therapist meant the book on non violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg, who first conceived of the method. I have the impression that parts of that feature in stop caretaking the narcissist but I am not sure.

[Prototypian]

I find that those types of phrases can work especially if you stand behind them.  I also find that like so many processes or policies, I tend to rely on them and then my use of them becomes an emotional crutch that the PD in my life sees the phrase coming and either shuts the use of the phase down or ridicules it to limit its edrectiveness.  She will start with "I can see you're going to go to that tired little phrase of this topping being a boundary.  It's so nice you have that luxury to just ignore reality whenever you want and refuse to discuss something that's uncomfortable to you; it sure would be nice if the whole world. Could just live in a fantasy like that"

[Call Me Cordelia]

How ironic... wouldn't it be nice if the whole world could just operate with boundaries and letting small things go at times. Oh wait, it does.

[TimetoHeal]

I find that those types of phrases can work especially if you stand behind them.  I also find that like so many processes or policies, I tend to rely on them and then my use of them becomes an emotional crutch that the PD in my life sees the phrase coming and either shuts the use of the phase down or ridicules it to limit its edrectiveness.  She will start with "I can see you're going to go to that tired little phrase of this topping being a boundary.  It's so nice you have that luxury to just ignore reality whenever you want and refuse to discuss something that's uncomfortable to you; it sure would be nice if the whole world. Could just live in a fantasy like that"

Ugh, when I read this, I could totally see my mother coming back like that!  Actually, what she does is say "okay" and twists her mouth in a mad/sarcastic smirk and looks away from me.  It's disgusting, actually.  But I still use them.  If she does more than that, I think the next step will be to walk away.

@Call Me Cordelia  right?!