Is My Wife a Narcissist? Please Help Me.

[faultline]

Hello everybody.

I wanted to share my experience here to get your opinions about my situation as i hope there are people in this forum who have been through similar issues.

I have been married to her for 10 years. We have 2 children aged 7 and 9. We are expats and the whole family including my wife, are dependent on my visa.

The first couple of years of our relationship before we got married and had children, was actually great. We spent all our time together, went on vacations. I had lost my grandmother shortly after we met and she supported me immensely during that period. I still remember the day of her funeral; she looked sadder than even my grandmother's own children. I was amazed with how she was able to share my pain and i had left she was the right person to spend my life with.

Everything started to get much worse immediately after our first child was born. Financially we were in a very good position and we still are today. I understood that taking care of a baby was difficult and i was doing everything i can to support her. I hired a live-in maid and whenever i was home, i was trying to help with everything. Taking care of our daughter so she could sleep, rest and have a bit of alone time.

Then the complaints started. She was blaming my mother for not being there for her. She started saying things like " she looks nice on the outside but she is a devil." I was struggling to understand why she was feeling that way because my mother had done nothing to her. We were living abroad and she was quite old even back then. She has a problem with one of her eyes as well and she has double vision because of that. One of her eyes is practically almost closed because of a muscle problem in her eyelid. She told my wife many times that she would like to be more involved but because of her health issues, she was literally afraid of taking the responsibility of a baby. She got divorced from my father when i was 5 and raised me on her own. Tried to give me the best education possible and worked all her life to achieve that. I owe everything i have today to my mother's efforts but my wife hated her for no obvious reason.

This effected my relationship with my mother. I started to only to see her maybe once a year. I wasn't able to go and visit her myself because in the back of my mind, i started to think that every time i left the house in my off time, i was leaving the baby alone with my wife and increasing her workload. I started to feel like i always had to be home to support her. This started to effect my relationship with my friends and my mother.

2 years after the first baby, the second one was born.

Once the kids reached a certain age and became less dependent on the mother, she started to complain that our life was not like i promised. We were living in a big 4-bedroom villa with a maid. She started asking for her own car so she can have more independence and take the kids to places. We bought a brand-new car for her.

One day when i came back home from work, i realized her car's front bumper was damaged quite badly. She had obviously hit something. When she woke up in the morning, i asked her what happened. She acted like she does not remember. I knew that she had a get together with friends the previous night. When i spoke to her friends i learned that she had driven to the petrol station to buy cigarettes late at night and she was drunk. In the country we live in, driving under influence of alcohol is strictly forbidden and you can even face a prison sentence. We had a big argument that day and i told her i just can't believe she was able to do something like this. She had also hit something or someone and she could have gotten in big trouble. She promised me this would not happen again and i believed her.

A few years later, again coming back home from work, i saw her car's right tire completely destroyed. And again no messages or information from her. When she woke up, i realized her teeth were purple. I asked her if she was drunk driving again and she told me no. The next night when she was sleeping, i checked her phone. When i thought she was at work, she went to her manager's house, had a few drinks there and drove back home again under influence. We had a huge fight. Instead of taking responsibility, she was blaming me for being too strict. She was doing everything she can to help the family financially ( because i was on unpaid leave during covid) and i was acting like i was her daddy and that i was trying to control her life. This started to destroy my trust on her because i didn't even know she had gone to her manager's house. I started to feel like she was unable to control her impulses and acting before thinking and almost blaming me for everything she does.

Unfortunately, this was not the only problem. Her uncontrollable anger had started to take its toll on the children. One day, she was lying on the couch in the living room. She told me she wanted to close her eyes a bit as she was feeling tired. The kids were playing in the living room. She kept telling them to stay quiet but these kids are only 4 and 6 years old back then. I told her it would be more comfortable if she goes upstairs and sleep in our bedroom. She did not answer and after about 10 minutes, she got up and threw one of the toys towards our 4 year old. That is when i shouted at her to control herself. She got up, went to the kitchen and started slamming drawers, and breaking stuff. I help her arms firmly and told her to stop. She slapped me on the face and started attacking. My shirt was completely torn off, i had scratch marks on my neck. I was so angry i left the house to calm down and take a walk. I called a friend of mine, he took me to his house. I told him and his wife what happened. They were shocked as they also knew my wife.

A few hours later, i went back home as i was worried about the kids as well. I told her what happened was unacceptable and that she was unable to control her anger. She was damaging the kids with her behavior and that she needed help. I still remember exactly what she told me. " You are a weak man and a bad father. You went crying to your friends so you can look good." " You don't even the brains to take the kids out to park or something so i can get some sleep."

A few months later, one night when she was back in our home country, i was putting the kids to sleep. They both started crying and told me they were playing with nail polish upstairs in their room and mom caught them. She got so angry, she hit them and threw the nail polish bottle to the floor. It broke and one of the glass pieces cut our 5 year old's toe. She was so sad talking about this.She was telling me "Mom did not even ask me if it hurt Dad, she did not even ask."

Once i heard about all this, the next day i took the kids to a therapist. I told the therapist everything that happened. She said she will have to do at least 5 or 6 sessions with them to understand what is happening.

A couple of days later, my wife came back home and i told her everything. She was furious. " How can you take my children to a therapist without telling me? You are trying to turn my children against me. You are trying to look like a good father." Again, no remorse and no responsibility and i get blamed.

She wanted to go to the sessions with the kids. She told me she does not like the therapist because in my opinion she sensed that the therapist was going to focus on her behavior. After a few sessions, she said she will find another therapist to do online sessions. The new therapist she found, told me that sometimes kids exaggerate and dramatize things. That case was closed again with me going crazy and doubting my own reality.

There's so many things i can write here but it will take pages and pages.

About a week ago, we came back from a friend's birthday and she had drunk too much again. She fell asleep with the phone in her hands. When i picked up the phone, i saw her messages with a guy she was having an affair with. They exchanged naked pictures, they were telling each other how much they are in love with. This time as everything was out in the open, she apologized. Told me that it was nothing serious and that they never met. I told her for me this marriage was over. She will pack up her bags, go back to her home country and that kids will stay here with me.

I still feel sorry for the kids as they are still 7 and 9. I can't let her have the kids without me around because i don't trust her. She is generally a good mother, takes good care of them but there are moments when i feel she is badly damaging them with her anger and unstable mood.

Please share your opinions with me. I suspect she has mental issues. Could these issues be treated so the kids don't have to grow up without a mother.

[NarcKiddo]

This does not sound like classic narcissism to me. Sounds possibly like post-natal depression that never really got resolved, plus a drink problem. There could be other things in the mix. The ex pat life is not always easy, despite the creature comforts it can provide, so that may not be helping.

It's clear she has issues. Whether the specifics matter at this particular point in time I don't know, because if she is not amenable to treatment then you can't force it. And if she is amenable to treatment then her own therapist will need to diagnose and treat. How that would impact you and your children would, I guess, depend on whatever divorce and access laws are relevant to your situation.

[Rebel13]

I owe everything i have today to my mother's efforts but my wife hated her for no obvious reason.

I think the reason is right here -- you care about your mother, and abusers delight in alienating their victims from other people who might take away attention, or provide support, resources, or an alternate perspective on the situation.

faultline, it doesn't really matter what your wife's diagnosis may or may not be. Is her behavior acceptable to you? Is the relationship acceptable to you? It sounds very much like it isn't. You get to decide that, even if there's nothing diagnosable wrong with her.

In terms of her "getting better" so the kids don't have to grow up without her, that is entirely up to her. If she is willing to work towards being a loving, responsible parent, then she will. If she'd rather drink and act out, then she will. You are absolutely not in charge of her behavior. You're in charge of your behavior and taking care of your kids. As a child of two chaotic, unpredictable, disordered, self-absorbed people, I hope you will do everything you can to protect your kids from your wife's abuse and require evidence of behavior change before she's ever left unsupervised with them.

[escapingman]

What you are describing here could be my story with my ex-wife. I spent many many years trying to figure out what was wrong with her and how it could be treated. In the end I accepted whatever it is I had to get out, it took me a few years but I am out. Don't focus on her but on yourself and the kids, is this acceptable for you? If not you need to think about what can you do to look after yourself and your kids, I can't say you need to divorce her as you need to make the decision yourself - but to me this doesn't sound like a good relationship and not a very good mother to the kids.
 

[1footouttadefog]

It does not require a diagnosis for you to know you are being abused and that this is bad for your kids. 

I am glad you have the resources to help them through this difficult time.  Kids are resilient and you can be optimistic.