When to tell a date about your c-PTSD/family trauma?

mary_poppins · July 11, 2025, 11:44:58 AM

Hi all.

So I met someone new and I really like him. I know him for a month and have talked for a while outside work (he works where I work)

I am however extremely anxious because I don't know what I'm getting into. He's from a totally different country and culture (he's not European) and I think he's not acquainted with NPD and family trauma. He seems normal and easy going. Anyway, I am now in the first stages of no contact with my family and I don't know if I should tell him this. People without PD families don't understand no contact or complex trauma so I'm weary he will judge me if I disclose family estrangement.

When and how should I tell him about my family? Is it even easy to date someone from a non-PD family who has no information about trauma? He's very positive and I get very good vibes from him but..I'm weary of messing things up. I'm also afraid I'll stop seeing him because he won't be able to empathise with my family/childhood trauma. I need A LOT of empathy and understanding from people right now.

NarcKiddo · July 11, 2025, 12:23:48 PM

I'd say let him get to know you first, and vice versa, and then see how the relationship goes. I mean, don't lie if you asked about your family, but I would personally advise against what might resemble trauma-dumping in the early stages of a relationship. It should be quite possible simply to tell him you are not in touch with your family if he asks about them. He may ask why, but you don't have to give him details. Something along the lines of "there are big problems and this is best for all concerned". You could follow it up with "maybe I'll tell you one day".

If things progress well I'm sure you will start getting vibes about when might be the right time to start opening up a little.

I'm glad you have met someone nice and hope it works out well.

Call Me Cordelia · July 11, 2025, 01:54:27 PM

I think NarcKiddo is right on. Play it cool, take it slow. You're not asking a new person in your life to fill a deep need for you, you have confidence and acceptance of where you are in your life right now is the best place you can be. Your FOO is not centerstage in your life, you are!

I like that verbiage about, "There are big problems and this is best for everyone." I may keep that in my pocket.

Rebel13 · July 11, 2025, 03:54:50 PM

I probably wouldn't even give that much information for a while, more something like "Oh, we're not close" and then change the subject. "How about you? What's your family like?" That's important information for you to have as well.

The Crappy Childhood Fairy on Youtube has multiple videos on dating/relationships while cPTSD, if you like her stuff.

walking on broken glass · July 11, 2025, 04:20:14 PM

'My family live far away and I don't see them very often' / 'we are not very close' / 'I am in touch with some of them'. If the conversation persists, you can say something like 'oh you know what families are like' and change the subject.

If the relationship goes well and you get to know the person better, you can share more when you feel like it. If it's a nice understanding person, he will be able to listen and empathise (and how he reacts to this can actually be a good test for the relationship). But don't feel like you need to give an account of your family relations at the very early stages of dating. It's your story and you get to share it when and if *you* feel ready.

TimetoHeal · July 12, 2025, 10:22:57 AM

Excellent advice from everyone! I agree, less is more at first. One month in is very early, and you just want to have fun and get to know this person, not get into the "weeds". I agree with WOBG, that when and if you do share more with him, his ability to empathize and respect your boundaries around the subject, even if he can't relate or understand, will be big test. But it's probably way too early for that test right now.

mary_poppins · July 12, 2025, 03:11:27 PM

Hi guys.

Thanks so much for your lovely advice.
He actually asked me today about my mom and family and I got suddenly anxious and I told him this subject makes me feel anxious and I rather not discuss it. He understood and we moved on from the subject. I also let him know me and my family are not close and he understood that as well.

I see that he respects boundaries which is something good

walking on broken glass · July 12, 2025, 03:50:09 PM

That's a great sign! I am glad he understood and didn't push you.

1footouttadefog · July 28, 2025, 12:03:53 PM

Don't assume he does not have experience with PDs or abuse and such as that. Folks have varying degrees of experience and yet might not seem like it on the surface. Others are just able to spot it and avoid due to differences in how they perceived the world.

I hope you can keep things light and enjoy getting to know this new person.

You likely feel more compelled to over share than he feels the need for such info. Take deep breaths.

orange809 · October 09, 2025, 07:27:15 PM

I've been thinking this through recently. It applies a little to new friends, too. I am surrounded by nuclear families, and even the nicest question about whether I see them makes me sigh. With potential partners, I try to balance sharing the general situation (anyone who raises eyebrows at not seeing your family weekly needs to be handled carefully...) and oversharing, as I know that this stuff can be hard to process if you have just never met it, or perhaps associate it with people who really go off the rails. My take is to be open to them understanding. I remember talking to someone who used to say it was none of a partner's business, but that seems a bit too stoic. Most open-minded people understand dysfunction. Good luck!