Mum’s surgery

[walking on broken glass]

My mum is having her surgery on Monday. I feel strange that I won't be there and even more strange that I will go on holiday two days after (when we had booked it, I didn't know about the surgery). I know she hasn't asked for my help and I know that I don't really want to be there but I still feel guilty and sad. I am also a bit stressed about the timing with my holiday, as I haven't told any of the family that I will be in the same country on holiday - and I don't plan to tell them. But this means lying and sneaking around, especially if they try to video call. I am sure that there will be implicit blaming as well. I didn't have a talk with my aunt about my mum in the end. I guess I could still do it tomorrow, before the surgery and before we go on holiday, but I feel like I don't have the energy for such a discussion right now. I just wish all this could magically disappear. Ugh

I spoke to my mum and she was going on and on about how the doctor said that she always has a smile on her face despite all she's been through and that's a good attitude to have, and that little detail annoyed me even more. Classic mum, the hero, the martyr, the sweet talking old lady who wouldn't hurt a fly. And then there's my perspective. Sometimes it feels I live in a parallel universe and I am the unreasonable one.

[Rebel13]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way wobg. I think it was Charlotte Davis Kasl where I first read the truth that "feeling guilty doesn't mean you made the wrong decision." We're so brainwashed and groomed from childhood to think we're always the wrong, bad one. Feeling wrong and bad doesn't mean we actually are.

I hope your mom's surgery goes smoothly and that you are able to enjoy your vacation with your beloved, even if it comes with a side of guilt and anxiety. I found a short meditation "For the Days that Just Suck" the other night on the Insight Timer app. It's by Erin Wilbanks and I am currently in love with it. Here is the best part in case it helps you.

Nothing is wrong with me
Nothing is wrong with the way I think
Nothing is wrong with what I feel or how I express or don't express my emotions
Nothing is wrong with my body
Nothing is wrong with my brain
Nothing is wrong with my heart
Nothing is wrong with my nature
Nothing is wrong

[Happypants]

I'm sorry, it's a completely unfair situation.  I've had similar experiences due to my father's heart condition and the timing of pre-booked holidays.  My mother plays games with it all to keep to her preferred narrative.  One thing I will say about the guilt is that as painful as it is, I never want to stop feeling it to some degree. I let it have its place in these situations because it's what separates me from her, and whenever I remember that, the sting of it dissipates a little.  And for those of us on the receiving end of such behaviour, a holiday isn't a luxury, it's a necessity.

[Liketheducks]

WOBG....it was always going to be a shit time dealing with this.   I hope that you find the lead up to it was worse than the actual surgery day.    I hope you get to recharge and refresh with your holiday.   We all deserve to do that....AND we also deserve our peace.

I know you'll likely have calls from family after the surgery.   But, can you limit them in some way?  You not sharing all of the details of your holiday and life with everyone in the family isn't lying.   Not everyone has proven they deserve that much consideration in your life.   You're doing self preservation.   If you know they're likely to form unkind judgements about your choices this week....don't give them that rope.

That guilt is part of the FOG of dealing with dysfunctional family.   You're doing so great with this.   

[TimetoHeal]

WOBG,

I am sorry you are feeling this way.  I think it is completely normal.  Like Rebel said, there is nothing wrong with you. 

I hope you are able to have an amazing time on vacation!  You definitely deserve it.  And I agree with Happy Pants that breaks are a necessity for those of us who deal with PD family!  My brother is on vacation with his family this week after all we have gone through with my mother this past 2 weeks.  I plan to plan another vacation, since mine didn't exactly happen earlier this month due to the crisis.  I'm overdue! 

Do not feel bad!  Have a great time!

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you so much, Rebel, Happypants, Like the ducks and Time to heal.

I feel a bit better today. My mum had the surgery, it all went well and she is at the hospital. I tried to call her in the evening but her phone was off. But I spoke to my aunt and she said all was well. Knowing that she is at the hospital and that she is being looked after makes me feel less guilty.

[walking on broken glass]

My mum is already home! I called her today to see how she's doing (yesterday her phone was off) and her flying monkey sister was there and wanted to speak to me. She said 'where have you been? You've disappeared from the face of the earth. We send you messages and you sometimes reply', I said 'when have you sent me a message and I didn't reply?' (obviously a lie, it never happened; her flying monkey daughter messaged me a while ago to fish information and I ignored the message but my aunt didn't message me). She said 'well, I mean, I haven't talked to you in ages, are you that busy with work?', I said 'yes, I am very busy'. 'I thought your contract was ending soon', 'No, I still have six months'. And the million dollar question 'when are you coming to visit?'. I replied 'I don't know yet, we'll see'. She hung up after that but I was prepared to go 'what? What? I can't hear you at all, sorry I have to go' if she kept at it. I can't imagine what they would be saying if they knew I am going on holiday tomorrow.

[Liketheducks]

The one thing they are...is predictable.   Enjoy your time away.

[walking on broken glass]

I decided I won't call my mum again until I am back from my holidays. I called her the day we arrived and it was too stressful having to worry about any background noises that might betray where I am. Also I want to avoid my aunt and her incessant questioning. I am thinking that my mum is well looked after and she can call me, if she wishes. I don't want to ruin my peaceful time away by making a phone call just to tick a box - and not even my box. It's guilt that makes me feel compelled to check in more than once a week, and concern about what other people will think.
I guess I am writing here because I still need the reassurance that this is ok!

[Happypants]

I'm so sorry that you're wrestling with this during what should be a time of recuperation and concentrating on your wellbeing, but I hope that now you've made a decision that it stops weighing on you.  Ultimately though, having the physical and psychological break away from the every day benefits both you and your mother -  you by having  your own headspace, novelty and time with loved ones, and her because you'll be more resilient but have more strength to keep boundaries in place for the sake of maintaining a level of contact that you're comfortable with.  YOU NEED THIS! Have a great time x

[Rebel13]

Agreed! It is absolutely OK even though it may not feel like it.

[TimetoHeal]

Absolutely it's okay!  And I'm so proud of you for setting that boundary!   

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you all
I came back yesterday and will have to face calling my mum tonight. Wish me luck

[Call Me Cordelia]

You don't have to tonight if you don't want to. Just sayin'.

[walking on broken glass]

Very true! But it's been on my mind and felt I had to get it over with. I called and it was pretty uneventful. I don't think my mum will ever ask me directly about when I will go visit, which suits me fine.

[TimetoHeal]

I'm glad it was uneventful, WOBG!  And yes, our mothers' passive aggressiveness can work to our advantage sometimes. Don't ask, don't tell!