3 Week Update

[Deby64]

Well, it's been three weeks today that I have been in my own space, and for that I am truly grateful. However the UPDH is up to textbook behavior the love bombing hovering then silent discard. The divorce has been put on hold due to my lack of funds at this time. He will reach out via sweet sweet text messages every two or three days I respond with MC and he continues to bait me into justifying a rationalizing or explaining my behavior and reason for leaving. I did tell him in our last text message that after this message, I will no longer attempt to explain or justify my behaviors. I'm OK with him not understanding me. Of course, all of his messages continue to project blame on how I ruined our 42 year marriage. I continue to remind him. There's two sides to every coin, but only God can open his eyes, and I am not his God. He has been by my new place two times but I will not allow him inside my home so I feel safe for now. I am really focusing on myself and making sure the motive for me texting back is not that unrealistic hope that maybe his eyes will open and he will change. I have to remember nothing absolutely nothing will make him change. He is who he is no matter how sweet he is in this stage of love bombing. I do get discouraged with myself and my inability to go completely no contact. I don't know if that's because I'm still grieving the 42 year long marriage or what?I'm limiting my contact and doing very well with MC but the thought of going completely no contact creates anxiety in me for some reason. I am working with the Therapist however so hopefully I'll get there. Just wanted to give an update and once again, thank everyone for their encouraging words and support.

[Rebel13]

I'm so glad to hear you are hanging in there Deby! If and when it is the right time for you to break off contact with your soon-to-be-ex, you will do it. You have gotten yourself out of the situation -- you can do anything. You are doing great. Keep taking the time and space you need for yourself. Wishing you all the best!

[Deby64]

Rebel13,thank you for the encouraging words and support. I remind myself often that this is a difficult journey and I must have grace for my feeling and trust that if I continue to focus on myself and allow the power that's greater than me to lead and guide me, I will be fine💜

[square]

I agree with Rebel that if and when the time comes for NC, you'll know. You seem to be doing just fine right now. I know it's a stressful time and an adjustment, but how could it be easy?

[MaxedOut]

Agree with others that you will know what to do about contact levels. You are doing great Deby. And being in your own space and with some control over communications will give you the ability to tune into yourself and your needs.

A treatment modality shown to be effective for some with borderline, dialectical behavior treatment (DBT), has a central concept called "wise mind." This refers to balancing emotional and rational thinking, especially in decision making. A lot of the work in DBT is practicing consideration of both feelings and logic in making decisions. People with borderline tendencies to be feeling heavy then intellectualize thinking to fit their feelings ("feelings = fact").

I imagine we partners have a mixture of wise mindedness. Maybe it was there before and got lost or overruled for self-protection. Maybe we came from families where one side was valued over the other. For some of us, we've listened to much to the thinking part. I would guess for most of us, the feelings of our partners and our thinking about their reactions eroded away our attention to our own thinking and feelings.

Which is to say, you have done the really hard part while still in the stew of having your ex's mind/reality being a dominant part of your home. Your *own* feelings and logic now have the space (and hopefully the grace) to start testing, growing, and leading.

And listening to that is part of the journey now. Worry about tuning the radio dial in to hear those stations more clearly and loudly, not what you think you should feel and think. Know that the broadcast will change over time. You have already been great in thinking about what is driving feelings. You'll get better and quicker at hearing both the emotion and whether it's coming from FOG, grief/hope, your true soul, culture, etc.

Treat yourself gently. There will be all sorts of emotions coming up. Just assume that and try to maintain an attitude of curiousity not judgement. They're not "good" or "bad" or "justified" or "silly" - they just are.

[newlyawakened]

Hang in there Deby! You are doing great.
If I may, I will go a little against the flow of thought in this thread, and suggest if it is possible to not allow your PDex into your new home even for a short time. This stems from my own experience where my pwBPD, when in trouble, always is highly manipulative and knows how to act nicely and start making gentle inroads into boundaries until my boundaries collapse.

[MaxedOut]

Yeah, I was personally talking more about remote communications. I know my peace of mind was greatly improved because my ex did not know where I was living. I didn't think she'd show up where I sometimes work but every time I went there, I had a bit of edginess and scanning for her vehicle until we were not living in the same state. I would have had some buy of hyperawareness for the home if she'd have known where it was. Or worried if she was upset it might trigger something... it's then more fodder/leverage for the batch of "how much do I moderate what I say to prevent their reactions."

The phone can be ignored, turned off, call blocked. That's harder with a living location. Which is to say, Deby, it's wise to guard your space for the worst of how things can be, instead of opening it to the extent of how good things may be going in a moment. At least for people who have proven to be problematic with boundaries, respect, treatment, etc.

[SeaBreeze]

I think you're doing great! If you prefer MC and VLC to NC, then do what feels best and right for you.

I'm VLC with ex, and then have alerts turned off specifically from him. So while I do receive his texts, I don't hear them come in, so I don't see them until I pick up my phone to do something else. To be honest...I turned off his alerts a few years *before* I left him, while we were still married and living in the same house. 

[MaxedOut]

To be honest...I turned off his alerts a few years *before* I left him, while we were still married and living in the same house. 

LOL, excellent self-care, SeaBreeze.

[Deby64]

As always. The support and suggestions are most helpful. He has not stepped foot in my new home, I don't see a reason he would have to. When I have been to our shared home. I knock before entering although I have all rights to walk right in. I'm attempting to model boundaries. I believe I've gotten all I need from our shared home. Yes, there is ply of my personal property still there. I lived there for 24 years. He mentioned a few items and I suggested that he box them and put it in our storage building. I thinks that's just a bait to get me to be around him. I'm starting back at work tomorrow. Sort of looking forward to that distraction 🤪.
Learning to trust my inner self again is the key for success 🙏🏾

[square]

Goid luck at work tomorrow. I'd be looking forward to it as well. But it may feel a little strange because you've been through a lot and changed in this short period of time.

I'm sure you're right that he has an ulterior motive in talking about items you need to get from the house. Whether it's to increase contact or test how well he can still control you. Or he may have even planned some strange additional obstacles, like you come over and one of the objects is suddenly missing or something wrong with it and now he expects you have to play treasure hunt or whatever. Maybe not, but who knows.

So it's brilliant to just say he should box things up and put them in the storage area. He may still disassemble, vandalize, or otherwise alter the items. Hopefully you already have everything important to you and can write anything else off as collateral damage.

[Deby64]

I'm disappointed in myself, yet attempting to extend myself some grace. I went NC for 8 days. It was wonderful, well his birthday was on the 28th out of loneliness I pick up the phone and called him. Huge mistake. First he said. " You just wanted to hear my voice " that was true, but I didn't acknowledge that. Well it has started the cycle all over. He's been love bombing, I even became intimate with him once. Ugh, I know it's only human, but what a set back. I called him again and told him I made a mistake dropping my own boundaries, I didn't mean to send a mixed message. We must move forward with the divorce. He suggested that we just continue to live apart and stay married. I said no, I know this is just a manipulative way for him to control me and have be be a supply for him. So, I'm praying for the strength and courage to pull back and resume NC. Of course he's being as sweet as possible, because w dropped my guard and he thinks he can push back in. No, I'm coming out of that FOG, he doesn't want love and relationship he needs supply. He even came by my place last night for a birthday hug... Really an attempt to walk in my new space. I met him outside. I know if I ever allow him inside I am done for. He'll never respect me or my boundaries.

[square]

"You just wanted to hear my voice" - what a classic narcissist line!

It's very common to struggle to maintain boundaries like this. It can be really hard to believe that you can't just wish your STBX husband a happy birthday without it being some weird trap.

Good job that you didn't let him inside your place.

You don't have to admit any "mistakes" to him - and he will be taking notes on any internal thinking you might share with him. You can just say "whoa, I think you got the wrong idea. I just thought it would be kind to give you a call, and what happened after was fine, but that's all it was."

[GoodPesto]

Hi Deby,

I am sorry this happened but you almost wouldn't be from this planet if something like that hadn't happened along your way. The good news is, once you get familiar with the pitfalls you can work with them. Around holidays or birthdays e.g. you could make some special plans like going out for a massage, good food, a hike, or whatever floats your boat. Make plans with your kids, a friend, or go by yourself, it doesn't matter, but be especially kind and generous to yourself. The plan is to keep yourself from reengaging out of the "wrong" reasons (almost involuntarily). It's okay to hide your phone on these days from yourself and put a "DO NOT CALL/TEXT"-note on it as a last reminder should you end up being tempted and having crawled through all the dirty laundry to get to it. Anything that helps, really.

His respect for your boundaries is not dependent on your behaviour, is my impression so far, it's already non-existent if you let him in or not. Simply the attempt to come to your place for a hug without invitation is a pretty good reason to assume that. What is at stake though is your self-respect and that's something important worth keeping or rebuilding. So keep holding that boundary for your sanity, your feeling of self-worth, or because you'd like to be endlessly stubborn for once, or whatever, but hold it for yourself and not to make him see you in a certain way. You would have lost it already.

Be kind to yourself. Abusive relationships are not easy to exit and you've done big and important steps in such a short time.
Like square said: You are the only person that can truly help you out of being his subordinate, so try to catch yourself whenever you slip into JADEing.

You got this.

[Rebel13]

I am sorry this happened but you almost wouldn't be from this planet if something like that hadn't happened along your way.

So true! I have read that it can take many attempts for people to do hard, emotionally charged things like quit smoking or leave problematic relationships. You are only human Deby. Sounds like you are doing great forgiving yourself and getting back on that horse.

Maybe try to think ahead of time about things you could do instead of calling your H the next time you feel lonely. Like, who else can you call? I think I even read about someone who had a whole list of people and she had to call or text ALL of them before she could call/text her ex. And by the time she got done checking in with a few folks, the impulse to call him had passed. You can also make a list of things you like to do but rarely make time for (I have a MILLION of those) and try one of those things while waiting for the urge to pass.

Here are a couple of links I like with similar ideas:
https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/distress-tolerance/self-soothing/
https://dbtselfhelp.com/self-soothe/
https://dbtselfhelp.com/tipp-changing-your-body-chemistry/

You are doing great!

[Deby64]

As always. The experience,strength and hope I gain from here is amazing. Goodpesto, I didn't even realize I was JADIng until you pointed it out. This was definitely a light bulb moment. I love all the suggestion how to let the urge pass. This is an addiction that's breathtaking 🤦🏾. It's got my head spinning as to where was this man when I was living in his face everyday? I'm waiting for the rage and projection of blame to come pouring out. I'm really focused on regaining myself. Respecting me because I deserve to be respected not just to show him. Lord, I see this is gonna be a tough journey. With y'all I'm going to be ok.