Validation and guidance needed

[More Sword Less Mask]

Hello,

I knew by age six that something was terribly wrong with my mother. Long before college psych class, I knew that my mother met the criteria for BPD.  I ended up marrying a man with many of those same traits: extremely controlling, unpredictable rage, gaslighting, no accountability, very entitled, no empathy. FAKE.

Today I am 56 years old. I met my ex-husband at age 33, when I was in the prime of my life: very fit, fun life, outgoing, many friends, successful career, happy. I lost almost everything, including my life, to my ex who meets the criteria for a PD.

I realized in 2002, early in our dating life, that something was off:

M (my almost ex) lived on a cute little cul-de-sac. He would let his Golden Retriever Bonnie run loose, and she would crap wherever she wanted. Mrs P was M's sweet 90 year old neighbor, and she kept an immaculate yard.

One day we arrived home after spending the day together. Mrs P had raked Bonnie's turds back onto M's lawn. M Went NUTS! Complete and Total Meltdown. He was screaming and cursing. He picked up Bonnie's crap in his bare hands, walked over to Mrs P's yard and hurled the turds at Mrs P's glass front door, where they made a huge mess.

I must have had a look on my face because M quickly stopped being angry. He cooked me a nice meal. He gazed lovingly into my eyes as he listened to my stories. He made a big show of volunteering to look at my car's noisy tire. He held my hand as we went for a walk with Bonnie after dinner. Perfect gentleman.

His outburst must've been a fluke.

I wish I could go back in time and live that day over. I would get in my car and drive away, never answer his calls or see him again. Instead, I told myself "Wow, he must really be insecure. He has a lot of rage. Maybe he didn't have a good childhood. Maybe his parents were bad and he just has no manners. I can teach him emotional maturity, and lead by example. He just needs my love. I can show him a better way to live. He has so many positive traits [looks, athleticism, woodworker], so he's worth saving." 

Our divorce will be final in 12 days. I'm in mental, physical, social, spiritual and financial ruin. He's living a big life with the soft-hearted naïve daughter of an elderly multi-millionaire, complete with the mansion and yacht. (Multi-year affair with her, I discovered. But, her greener pastures are the reason I'm now almost free.)

I'm here for help-- not just validation, also to be confronted. I need to know why I ignored so many red flags. Why would I tolerate such behavior? Do I not value my own life?

I'm lucky to be alive, but I won't survive another trip through hell.

Thank you for reading.
T

[bloomie]

Welcome, More Sword Less Mask! Thank you for giving us a very compelling idea of what you are coping with and the journey that you have been on. What a lot to process and unpack. You write very well and I could almost see the scene with the neighbor your describe. How unsettling for you!

The interesting link you make between a mother with traits that point to BPD and then marriage to a man who many toxic traits has to be hard won. My heart aches thinking of all the years of struggle, and yet, I have to celebrate the progress you are making to break free and to heal.

We have so many resources gathered here for you - toolbox at the drop down menu above, book recommendations, other online resources that members share, but for me, the true gold that has supported me in my own healing journey is the conversations taking place on the forum boards.

There you will find a great deal of wisdom and depth of insight because those of us here get it in a unique and compassionate way. The patterns and behaviors you describe are familiar and the pain and confusion that comes from not knowing who you will be encountering in a loved one - Jekyl or Hyde - creates an atmosphere that undermines everything we believe and know about ourselves. Recovering and reclaiming our lives and trust in ourselves takes time. I hope you will go gently with yourself!

Keep coming back. Keep reading the posts of others and when you are ready, join the conversations taking place on the forum boards. It helps to lighten a heavy load! 

[saralynn1113]

I lost everything too. For me, I wasn't convinced of his sociopathic/narcissism until I had already lost everything (house, car, job, pets). I wanted to believe he could change and I had already involuntarily given up everything trying to cope and function like a normal person when under extreme duress. You got out, so clearly you do value yourself. But I know what you mean, I feel like I should have seen it sooner, before losing it all. Dwelling on the past won't fix it. Look forward.....or at least that's what I keep trying to tell myself.