Hello, Im new here

[Dogdaze]

Hello all,

I am new to this forum (actually forums in general) but navigating my partner's moods and choices have been so challenging, I know I need help even beyond the therapist I started to go to six months ago.

I will put my question to the group up front (and life story below if you have the bandwidth to read the sordid tale.)  Has anyone dealt with a BPD partner who never contributed financially to the relationship and made it a point to tell you that they don't feel that they are entitled to joint accounts requiring that you act as "owner of the pursestrings" when they want to buy something?

As a follow up, I recently set a boundary that my partner must take responsibility for their money (I start them off with a sum and they can independently make decisions to spend or add to the account) and was accused of "disrespecting" him.  My husband refuses to seek therapy so I don't have a firm diagnosis of BPD so trying to figure out if anyone has had this type of experience?

Below is more detail on my story for anyone who wants a sad tale.

I realized that there was something terribly wrong with my husband's ability to navigate life when he came home from a visit to his parent's and announced that he was going to commit suicide because no one in his life cared for him.  He went on to say that he had just come back to tell me this, because I deserved to know and to ask whether he had done enough to repay me for the kindness I had showed him. 

We had met when he was in an absolutely horrific situation with his family, (mother is a pwBPD and bipolar) and his father lost his job.  I helped him and his family with money at the time and helped get him out of the house.  We were married a year later and for a variety of reasons, some real, my husband was not able to get a job.  I was working a high intensity management role and raising two tweens at the time and my husband dedicated his energy to "fixing" me and pointing out all of the things I could do better.  He did try to help around the house and find ways to save money which was great - but it kind of felt like he was trying to manage my life rather than get his own. 

After his suicide announcement, I spent the next two years hovering (not even walking) over eggshells, and tried every possible way to get him to seek mental health support, I tried to change my behaviors and the environment to make him feel cherished and modified myself (he had also started directly accusing me and my family of being part of the reason he could no longer live). I spent hours upon hours trying to give him space to express himself and purpose to live etc. I thought he was just terribly depressed and with love and support would turn a corner.

Then, last year, my mother was diagnosed with cancer.  She was the primary caregiver for my father who has dementia so I was navigating chemo with her and stepping in to help my father.  The day before my mother died happened to be my husband's birthday so I arranged for caregivers to be with her and my father that evening/night.  When I got to our apartment, I found him despondent because no body had wished him a happy birthday other than me.  We spent the entire night up together with him begging me to kill him because he couldn't take it anymore.  Then I drove home alone and sat by my mothers bedside as she passed.

Since then, I have been living with my father and my husband has been staying with his parents (sending me message after message of how miserable he is).  He did manage to get a music gig and spent the money going on a trip to Switzerland alone to recover. 

So when he came into the house I put up three boundaries:

1. If he stays with us for longer than 4 weeks the has to go to seek therapy from a professional.
2. We sleep in separate spaces so that I can manage my anxiety with him in the house.
3. He starts to manage his own resources (I told him a number of what that account starts with.)

He didn't respond well - not violent - but a lot of gaslighting, self injury threats and guilt. 

Just writing this story makes me feel like I am such an idiot.

Does this sound like BPD to anyone on this thread?  Thoughts?

[bloomie]

Dogdaze - welcome to Out of the FOG. I am thankful you have reached out for support. Thank you for trusting us with some background of the difficulties in your marriage that bring you here. I am so very sorry to hear of the passing of your mother and for the complicated responsibilities you are trying to handle and sort through.

One thing stood out to me in your intro post and that is curiosity about the object, or orientation, of your boundaries. If I am understanding correctly, requiring your H to go to therapy if he stays longer than 4 weeks seems like more of a request to me.

My best understanding of boundaries are only and always about what we are going to do. What we can control or change. We cannot make anyone else - a full fledged adult - do anything. We set boundaries around what we are going to do and then we live them out.. and speak them out if we need to.

The suicidal threats from a loved one are terrible and I am so incredibly sorry you have been attempting to keep someone safe who seems to be refusing to get the help they need to live a stable and healthy life.

I have experienced similar, and what we often say here, and what I have personally learned, is that those kinds of threats and possible ideation are beyond any of our expertise.

In my own case, I set a boundary when the dust had settled and it was a more calm time, that going forward, if they threatened to harm themselves or others I would be calling emergency services for their safety and my own. No discussion. No negotiation. And I had to be ready to do that... and I was, and I am. I said it one time.

In terms of his refusal to take financial responsibility, you are wise in giving your H the account information and leaving it to him - kind of a releasing responsibility back to him as is appropriate, respectful, and what love actually looks like.

Working through all of this is a lot! Learning how to set and hold healthy boundaries and learning about ourselves, how we are over performing and possibly being taken advantage of (?) is painful, and yet, worthy self examination.

None of us can offer a diagnosis, but you know things are really not right and you are taking steps to find help and support, therapy, and clarity for your life and your future and you are to be applauded for that!

Keep coming back. Read the toolbox, the traits info, the posts and conversations on the boards, and when you are ready, join the conversations! It helps lighten a heavy load! 


A couple of great conversations started by two of our hero members about boundaries that have been help to me is found here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=d11c05482b683c3c31e0ea2d716bfcf2&topic=24.0
https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?PHPSESSID=d11c05482b683c3c31e0ea2d716bfcf2&topic=36232.0

[Dogdaze]

Thank you so much for reading and your support bloomie!  I am grateful to you and this forum.

I will definitely need to learn more about boundaries and how to implement them for my and my families' wellbeing.

[Rebel13]

Hi Dogdaze,

I'm so sorry for everything you have gone through. I know sometimes it is comforting to have a name for things, which can bring hope that there is a course of treatment or cure for the thing with that name.

However, when it comes to relationships, I've learned that the more important question is, is this relationship acceptable to me?

If it's not, it kind of doesn't matter what the other person's diagnoses may or may not be.

If a relationship isn't acceptable, we get to decide what we want, and the best way to get it. As bloomie said above, the only person whose behavior we can control is our own. We get to decide what we will do, and what we won't do. We don't have to take responsibility for the feelings or actions of another adult, especially one who is physically healthy and able to care for themselves.

You clearly have a wonderful heart, given all that you have done and are doing to care for those around you. I hope you can give some of that care to yourself and start to prioritize your own needs in all of this.

As bloomie said, there are lots of knowledgeable and experienced people here. You can check out the Chosen Relationships area of the forum to read some of their stories and insights.

Wishing you the best.

[Dogdaze]

Thank you again for your support.  I am in the middle of my first significant boundary setting with my husband and it is one of the most challenging things I have ever faced. 

My husband has refused to take money from the account as he hasn't earned any of the funds.  He is now threatening to leave and go live on the streets if we don't maintain our finances in the status quo.  I am beside myself fearing for him on the one hand, but knowing that I can't continue to play this level of decision maker/caregiver caregiver for him. 

I know that in his mind his choices make sense, that it is ok for him to spend money on a joint credit card that is paid via my checking account but somehow he can't own his own account (even though funded by our joint account).  But somehow he is making it out that if he "owns" money in a separate account it is "charity".

I believe that I should keep my boundary of insisting that we manage separate accounts but I am terrified of the consequences.

Has anyone ever faced this type of scenario?

Deeply in the FOG

[notrightinthehead]

Dear Dogdaze, what I will say might come on a bit too strong and I apologize for that. However, I wish someone had spoken to me so clearly, it would have saved me years of misery.

It seems to me that your h controls you with threats of self harm. He just mentions that he will live in the street and your resolve goes out the window. Just like a little kid punishing her mother by refusing to wear a coat in winter. Medium chill is your answer. Ah ok then. Might be an adventure living in the street. Where do you want me to send your mail then?

Bloomie already mentioned that any threats of suicide must immediately dealt with by health services. Let him spend some nights in a mental health place.

It seems to me that you have taught him that he can blackmail you into everything he wants by threatening to harm himself. In a way you are enabling his behaviour with your kind heartedness. How about you look up Co-dependency and check out if that seems in any way familiar to you?

You are terrified of the consequences that sticking with your boundaries will bring. Have you considered what the consequences of not standing up for yourself will bring? For yourself and your loved ones? What effect has the behaviour of your h on your kids? Your health? Mentally, physically? Why do you believe you must set yourself alight to keep him warm?

I am so glad you found us and I hope you will stick around. I was once where you are now, bewildered, confused, hopeful that I could make him right, and totally trapped in an impossible situation. You can heal! You have begun your journey Out of the FOG.

[Dogdaze]

Thank you both!!

That is exactly what I need to hear! Somehow other voices are clearer than mine but I know that I will get there now that I have finally started to come up for air and finding wonderful support like this forum!

I love the "where do I send your mail" humor!  I may have to steal it :-)

[swords]

Hi Dogdaze,

I see that you wrote, "Just writing this story makes me feel like I am such an idiot.", but you aren't at all. I think within the right forum, where you know what you need to communicate, you gain a lot of insight and some relief by getting what you have experienced off of your chest. There is nothing wrong with any of that.

On reading about his behavior, it is clear that he has severe mental health problems, and you feel trapped by guilt to tolerate them, regardless of how negatively it affects you mentally, emotionally, professionally and financially.

I think you did a great thing, by setting clear boundaries, but as you have seen, even announcing boundaries, that seem to be very reasonable, he started to throw up emotional manipulation tactics. I think for me, at this stage, it is the case that there is nothing else you can do. He is severely mentally ill, he has a personality disorder, you didn't cause these things, and you aren't responsible for creating an environment where he stays the same, nor are you responsible for treating his mental illnesses or personality disorder. But, at this point, you should consider separating.

It would be safer, and easier for you to stay with family or a trusted friend, somewhere he potentially doesn't know where you could be, because he is likely to show up randomly. You might have to change your number. If there is communication needed, it might have to be done through a lawyer or a trusted friend. Because he is going to try every opportunity, to gain control over you again, and attempt to engage you in conversation to restore the status quo. You need to find a way to start to construct an fortress. I would give yourself 6 months of zero contact. After 6 months, I would consider then filing for a divorce, because with someone like this, it is going to be very difficult to get zero contact, and they will try a lot of games to get back at you emotionally. But, it will at least, give you somewhat of a safer and stable environment away from them to think, while also being able to document the random threats of self-harm etc, that are likely to come down the pipe.