Story of Pain and Hope

[Izak80]

I am a father of three amazing children, two adult, and one teenager. I am also a Christian minister. I decided to separate from my now ex wife after 19 years of marriage in 2021 hoping that this would lead to placing a firm boundary and restore our marriage and family life to a better place, but it ultimately led to her desiring a divorce from her feeling a sense of abandonment. The divorce was filed by her in February of 2022 and finalized in June, I did not contest it and we went through a mediator . I have since remarried and have an amazing supportive marriage of my dreams. This is my story to what I believe is being married to someone who suffers from BPD for 19 years.

I was married at the young age of 21 to someone who was seven years older than me. We shared beliefs in our faith, direction in life, and our passion for Jesus. Her faith was very passionate, fiery, and genuine and her story and God's grace on her life was very real. This is what I was attracted to. She lived overseas, so most of our communication was remote and our communication had long conversations of shared interest. I wanted to live overseas where she lived and was from to be a missionary. I met her while in Bible school here in the States and she was visiting and part of our community. She had a very strong almost forceful personality, but I dismissed that to the culture she has been from and her boldness and sense of confidence as a person and in her faith.

My personality is that I have been diagnosed ADHD, but am very gentle in nature. I am an optimist and an extrovert and very agreeable- very rarely get angry. I do passionately stand on my values and faith though and that is the only place where some level of "going against the flow" in confidence comes out of me.  Most people- including my children- see me as very kind and compassionate, flexible, and agreeable. I love to listen and consider others opinions and sometimes my weaknesses is self doubt when confronted with others views (non faith or values  oriented).  I am not a very defensive person and always want to hear out the criticism others have of me, even from those who don't have my self interests in mind- maybe there is something I can learn or a blind spot? My weaknesses are also dissociating which can be sometimes ADHD (daydream)- and not being able to sit still. Especially in boredom. Always love to give others the benefit of the doubt for bad behavior (maybe they are having a bad day?). If I consistently see bad behavior a weakness of mine is that in my mind I can be judgemental- it takes a while for me to get there- but I can get there if my benefits of the doubt don't measure up consistently or I can't figure out why someone is acting the way they are (bad day, hard childhood, etc). If I know why, I lean towards compassion and sometimes enabling- which I thought of as grace and turning the other cheek.

This is me-

My ex had some amazing qualities. She was passionate about her faith (I believe she still is). I saw moments of sacrificial compassion towards others, she listened to people with empathy, and she did some self work from the trauma of her past. She is also a very responsible mother when it comes to practical things and an amazing administrator. She is very charismatic in her presence around others.

However, my weaknesses and her weaknesses clashed in a huge way from the very first year of our marriage.

I started ignoring some strange behaviors in our courtship. Since we were long distance, then I would pay a great deal of money for long distance calls and purchasing international calling cards. At one time I ran out of money and shared an email I couldn't call her for a few days until I was able to purchase a new card. When I finally did, 70$ (in 2001) of calling minutes were wasted on her giving me the silent treatment during the entire call in expression of anger that I didn't find another way earlier to get a calling card. When I tried to say I will call you back to save minutes until we cooled down, she would blurt out "our relationship is more important than money" while having me sit on the line in silence longer until the cards minutes had expired- 70$ worth! At the time, I dismissed it to either PMS or moodiness of women in my mind. I didn't date much growing up, but appreciated the differences in the emotional makeup of men and women and thought "oh, this is where I learn to be patient with women's emotional makeup, it's part of the package and my job to show I care an am patient through it". My dad and mom weren't that way, but I knew some women were.  We had relative peace at our home and very little visible conflict or arguing. My parents would do it behind closed doors- but not abusively. But I knew other women who would be emotional and thought that was just many women (although not my mom or sister).

I ignored the red flags.

When I went to her country for courtship, she showed many more of the moody red flags, silent treatments, fits of rage, and strange behaviors. But she always came up with a heartfelt reason as to why they would happen and would apologize when she calmed down. Including her past and childhood triggers (she was very aware of). My heart wanted to understand and be there for her. Sometimes after an emotional episode she would grovel at my feet and say stuff like "I'm not worthy of you." I found that very strange- but again took it as an apology and attempted to understand her past triggers so we can work on them together and also see my part in "triggering her".

I don't have time to get into all
her childhood triggers, but it was complex and had many layers. I attempted to memorize and understand them all- and unfortunately took responsibility to manage them. I was young- 21 years old. In our wedding she exploded at my parents who are not controlling and any attempt to even make a small suggestion was left with a harsh response , at me, at the pressure, etc... I again dismissed it to the pressure or planning a wedding and the stress involved. At this point she had a falling out with my mother who had shared something funny and she misunderstood it (English is her second language). She refused to reconcile with my mother even though my mom tried to bring understanding to English phrases and jokes (it was not at her- it was about me being a virgin and my wedding night surprise about what sex would be). We didn't know anything about sex was forever a trigger for her (until the end of our marriage). From that point on she demonized my mom and consistently tried me to break my relationship with my mom- even checking my phone logs nervously to see if I called her about once a month and raging if I did. My mom is still her enemy (my mom loves her and has never interfered in our marriage). I also understood her there. Her mom died when she was a baby and her step mom was very cruel. So she has mom issues projected on my mom, who is very kind and encouraging.

Deep in our marriage I lacked self esteem from being constantly told how stupid I was or how I wasn't smart like her. Sometimes I would talk to my mom who is an encourager and come back with self esteem. She would pick up on my self esteem and say "why are you so happy? Did you talk to your mom?"

After that she would have bouts of suicidal ideation for the first ten years of my marriage. She would use suicidal thoughts consistently as a way to tell me to take off work just to "hold her" for a full day. I separated for a few days and demanded I would only come back home when she got help and took medicine and that I was tired of taking off work. She never attempted suicide, would only tell me she felt like it and demanded I take off work. After a few days she went to get help and took meds for the first time. The suicide thoughts ended and never came back from that point. I came back home after a few days... feeling this worked.

It actually went well after that for about a year until she had a miscarriage- and for the next eight years it was horrible again.

She thought all my friends had demons and accused me of bringing demons into the homes by talking to them, would check my phone periodically to see if I called friends she had "discernment" about. They were usually my close friends, some of whom had observed the behaviors and encouraged me I needed help. She knew that and suddenly they had demons.

There was one year she admitted to me she was killing her pet parrots by hitting them. She told me in confession with a shame look and said we need to get rid of the parrots because she is not in a good place. Honestly, I started being a bit scared of her when she admitted this to me. I didn't share that with her. I tried to stay a steady source of patient love during this whole marriage hoping she would get better. She always told me it was a "season" of not being in a good place because of triggers. That gave me hope. That season would end but a new season of new triggers and odd behaviours continued. Some harder than others, some easier with happy memories where I did feel her unconditional love- the longest was about a year without an odd episode. However looking back some control mechanisms she had were always in place- even if small. She had to feel in control of me and the kids at some level- when she was in a better place- it wasn't as radical- but it was there.

She has sensory issues that would also cause her to explode and she said it was because of past memories with noise and trauma- so she controlled the environment in the house- exploding at me and the kids for the slightest adjustment in noise overload. We eventually got headphones to even watch television so she could be at peace.

Her brother died suddenly and never said goodbye so if we accidentally left the house even for just ten minutes without saying goodbye it would be an explosion and we were always bad and uncaring for doing it. She always recited her brothers death (when she was 8 years old) and said caring about her is making sure she is not triggered. So if we forgot a trigger, we didn't love or care about her. Even the kids knew this. They would get punishments and groundings based on triggering her and the rules she put in place to keep her from
Being triggered. Some of the rules were just normal life practices kids normally have (listening to music- mostly Christian when kids , watching television, hanging out with friends, going outside to play)... she thought she was teaching them about caring for other by caring for her emotions and that's what love looks like... and if they messed up on a trigger point of hers- they were unloving and uncaring and needed grounding.

It was at that point that I started traveling for work a lot just to get away or disassociating. This was not good on my part. It didn't help her and was not helpful to my kids and my relationship- or hers with the kids. I just needed an emotional breather. But my kids said it got worse when I was gone on a work trip.

Long story short- I decided to separate again to see it once again it could help her decide she needed some serious help. I saw it harming me and especially the kids. My 17 years old daughter ran away from the house at the same time and didn't talk with her mom for 3 months. My ex  felt completely abandoned and eventually decided to file for divorce.

Since then we have joint custody, but they are mostly with her. A lot of parental alienation. She did go get help. But I can see it still goes on- and now feel my kids love hanging out with me, but are coached by her that I shouldn't have an authority in their lives. They feel I am only fun dad and mom is their authority. That's also what she projects to them- she wants the control. I want to help them get independent lives (they are 21, 19, and 15 now)... I see heavy codependency and enmeshment. There is no prep for them to be adults, and when I try it is opposed by her. My middle son is addicted to marijuana, and when I tried to put boundaries on that, she opposed me in front of him to my face. My relationship with that son is hurt ever since who believes what his mother tells him- your father doesn't understand you. Any fatherly advice, help, or boundaries or discipline is met with "you don't have that right, you left the house in 2021 and lost that right".

All my current wife and I can do is try to be a healthy version of ourselves and in our marriage with healthy communication. Create a safe space. She is an amazing helper with that.

I still travel a lot for work, which is used against me. But even when I don't, my time isn't quality and I can feel their mother's judgments and they parrot her words- especially my sons. Less with my daughter. I don't share about their mother with the boys as to not create an alienating relationship with their mother. My daughter does ask me question and she is older so I share with her.

That's where we are at....

[Izak80]

Another very painful memory that took me a year of work to heal (and am still healing) is with our intimacy. She was triggered by anything to do with that area.
I was patient and never demanded. She did acknowledge that often and said my patience was healing her faith both in me as a husband and in men.

However, it didn't soothe my pain in that area. I know she often tried, although I never made it feel like an obligation, she felt it was - knowing our lack was not easy for me (more emotionally than physically). Once a month was a dream come true when it did happen! She would often pull away triggered by memories in the middle- even deep in our marriage- and stop. I was always patient, tried to understand, and was gentle. She did acknowledge and thank me for that.

However, the hard part was when we had intimacy, the next day- sometimes for a whole week or even two weeks. She would be extra explosive and blame it on our intimacy and her triggers. Even though I was patient, kind, and let her lead. I also never initiated, that was triggering to her. She let me know that. So I always waited for her and when she wanted intimacy.

What hurt deeply is that when she was explosive- she would always blurt out "this is all men want". She pointed it at anger at me. Even with my patience, love, gentleness, kindness, and self control. I felt like I was the most patient husband in the world in that area and was being accused of desiring something bad. She later would apologize and say "it's not you, it's me, sorry I lashed out at you." But the cycle never ended for 19 years. Sexless marriage, occasional intimacy initiated and led by her in gentleness, and then her lashing out at me the next day, an apology, and then dry time for another long period.
She expected me to take off work the day and sometimes days after intimacy just to hold her. Many times I did. When I couldn't, she would have confirmation bias that this is truly only what men want and she would be persistent into I apologised and understood her need. I mean persistent! If I suggested we needed deeper help. There would be hell to pay.

In all this I felt worthless. Like my attempts to be a good husband were unappreciated and even questioned. It took me a year during my separation to sort through these feelings. I found myself sleeping on the coach, and unable to tell her why when she demanded an answer- in fear of her lashing out at me... not really fear though- more hopelessness. The only times she would listen to my pain was when I went to her level of nearly crying and showed my immense pain with very expressive emotions. I shared with her my emotions, but there were usually listened to, apologized for her side, and the. Was told why it's my fault usually involving me not being sensitive enough to her long list of triggers- which I tried to remember them all but occasionally would have a slip up (usually with my ADHD and mindlessly doing things that were for most people with no triggers innocent).

[Izak80]

One other thing that I fight is the affects of spiritual abuse. Being in ministry myself, this is hard to acknowledge that I was acceptable to this as a man and a as a leader. She would often claim a keen sense of discernment and prophetic gifting. Oftentimes she was right. There were a few times I didn't see it and she was right and she forever used that against me that she is accurate and I need to listen to her. So I did. However, deep inside I knew most of it was unhealthy emotions and feelings based in fear and trauma. When I tried to address it gently, I was met with rage.

One time she felt the church we went to that was about to rent a building was going to rent a building with "a demon masonry spirit". I asked her for proof, it was only her prophetic sense. She told the elders. I told her I didn't agree without proof to tell them and even if it did God is bigger than that . She gave me the silent treatment. She told them anyways and they rejected her "discernment" and rented the building. She grabbed the kids and left the congregation not wanting them to "subject them" to the demons.  I stayed for a bit in disagreement- which led to a lot of tension between us. This was close to my finally separating. One day I came home and she was with my 10 year old son weeping on the floor with him. I asked her why they were weeping. She mentioned a vision of an octopus with eight tenticals on that church meaning eight people would die if they didn't repent for renting the building. She was gripped by "intercession" for mercy and their repentance.

I was in shock, I was actually very angry. I thought it was teaching my son something untrue about Gods character. That he was angry and vengeful. Also that we had very little victory over the enemy and had to flee from the enemy (another subject although I don't believe demons were in that building from ancient Masonic rights that took place there that only she knew about prophetically). We actually often had fights about this very subject, she saw a demon behind every bush and I saw victory wherever demons were. I would often quote the scripture to her "I will fear no evil!" Honestly I thought it was her own trauma fear and not a demonic reality- she knew I thought this and saw it on my face and despised me for not respecting her gifT. Honestly it's the only area outside of morality I stood my ground on in fights. Otherwise I'm pretty agreeable. It led to her nearly divorcing me several times for not protecting her. When we first got married she would ask me to anoint the house every night at 4 am because demons would attack her. Even men who hurt her in the past would astral project to hurt her and she would yell at me "you are not praying hard enough" in freak out mode. She said "you think I'm crazy." Because I told her demons are subject to us and there must be a problem if for years you need to anoint the house every night. She once made me throw away a coach that belong to the renter because she thought it had a demon in it and we didn't buy it new. I refused because the coach belonged to the owner of the place we were renting, finally I threw it away and apologized and came up with a lame excuse not wanting to expose my then wife to people thinking she was weird.

Either way, my daughter told me she struggles with her relationship with God because of her mom's obsession with demons. She called it spiritual abuse and I believe it was too!!!

The end of the story is that two people in the church died and she used it to prove she was right- one the assistant pastor suddenly from brain aneurism young and healthy. I'm not ruling out witchcraft on her part that is disguised in Christianity and discernment gift. She felt very misunderstood by me because I disagreed with her narrative. She wanted desperately for me to believe and adopt her narrative and "be in unity" with her. I couldn't and she accused me of not respecting her gift. This was two years before our divorce. She never recovered from being misunderstood by me by not believing her that demons would kill eight people if they didn't repent from renting a building she thought had Masonic lodge spirits in it- with no historical proof.

[MaxedOut]

Izak80, thank you for sharing. So many aspects of your story are familiar, especially your description of yourself and your nature (ADHD, gentle, positive, seeks understanding/mutuality, etc.). Also familiar are my ex wife's use of triggers and trauma for control, explosiveness, silent treatment, characterizing you in ways opposite to your behavior, delusional thinking, trying to isolate you, splitting on those you care about, creating a climate of silence and surface communication because of reactivity.... 

Other aspects are very different from my experience (no kids, several prior relationships for both of us, LGBTQ, not religious, both from the US).

It's always interesting how different the contexts can be with such similar behaviors — because, it's the PD, not the attributed reasons and circumstances.

I am so glad you were able to see clearly that things could not continue as they were. When I started asserting boundaries my ex also chose (or couldn't help continue) the behaviors and entitlement to abuse rather than change/help.

I am less than a year seperated and about half-a-year divorced and it is so much healthier.

[Izak80]

Thank you MaxedOut. I am very glad you are in a healthier place and look forward to hearing even more of your story!

[bloomie]

Hi, Izak80. Welcome to Out of the FOG. While I am thankful to hear you are in a good, solid relationship and out of the day to day struggles your first marriage seems to have been, the co parenting piece that remains sounds very hard. I am so sorry that you, your current wife, and your children are grappling with these challenges.

I wanted to point you toward the toolbox and resources at the drop down menus above and to mention we have great conversations taking place across the forum boards. There are book recommendations and other online resources gathered to help equip you and support you as well.

The mix of spiritual and disordered world views and behaviors you describe in your ex wife is a complex combination for you and also for your children to make sense of. You being stable, kind, healthy and when/if asked offering resources to them and possibly to assist them in getting trauma informed therapy when they are ready is so much more than so many of us had when dealing with (in my own case) a highly unstable, yet compelling mother who wrapped up all of her stuff in Christianity. My heart goes out to you all.

Something I have found very helpful to understand is studying trauma responses and the work of Pete Walker found here is really helpful and I thought I would share.

A great article to get you started and I highly recommend the rest of his work found here: http://pete-walker.com/fourFs_TraumaTypologyComplexPTSD.htm

The work of Ingrid Clayton is also helpful and enlightening around the 4th F - Fawning, which is a hybrid type of trauma response that accommodates to stay safe and abandons oneself at the same time. Her work is found here:

https://www.ingridclayton.com/resources

I hope that these resources and your time here aid you as you continue your healing journey and also offer some help understanding for the responses you see in your children.

I am glad you are here! When you are ready, join the conversations taking place on the forum boards!

[Izak80]

Thank you for these resources!!! I will look into them. As of a couple of days ago, my middle Asperger son (19 yo) cut contacts with me. He cited what his mom stated to him consistently since he was young, that I don't understand him. When in truth I have worked very hard to understand my high functioning Asperger kid. However, the principles I concluded and she concluded are very different from each other. Which is ok with me if we disagreed behind closed doors.  She would regularly come in like mother bear, correct me in front of my kid, saying I don't understand him, from him being a very young age. Two examples that give a concrete example of the regular type of confrontation.

When he was 11 years old, he shut himself in his room for 12 hours a day playing Xbox and scream cuss words to the top of his lungs into the live chat feeds. I saw his anger becoming more explosive during this time, later I found out that he was exposed to porn on the chat boxes which eventually fueled an addiction. At the time, I was more concerned about his explosive anger (which parroted his mother's explosive anger). I also wanted him to spend more time outside and in other activities (Temple Grandin explains this a lot!). His mother however felt like it gave him a social outlet to learn social skills. All I saw was his social skills were becoming more explosive. I decided to limit his XBOX exposure to 2-3 hours a day. She was in agreement. I went on a work trip, and when I got home the limits were lifted and he was back playing 12 hours a day. At the same time, he was displaying abusive traits to his brothers and sisters. I decided to ground him from the Xbox. He went crying to his mom and his mom came to me in front of him (like she and him were teaming up together to confront me) and said "you don't understand your son and his special needs!" My son agreed with his mother and repeated it back to me. I felt shut down by once again (not first time this happened) and like my parental authority was stripped. He would talk back to me and even call me by my first name and she let him and defended him by he has special needs.

Another of many stories is when my son turned 13 he wanted to buy a pet. I thought it was a great opportunity to teach him work ethics. So I asked him what he wanted to do. He said mow lawns. So we created a plan to mow lawns, advertise in the neighborhood, and set a reasonable competitive price. I taught him basic skills in our own lawn. He got three customers that rotated every ten days. It was enough that at the end of the summer he could buy this lizard he wanted. I mowed with him all three lawns twice to show him techniques for specific lawns he was mowing. The third time he asked me to help, so I did. At the end, he said the heat and sticky grass was bothering his sensory issues. So I offered to continue working together with him to cut the time it took to mow the lawn and gave him periodical breaks to calm his sensory issues with heat. He wanted to give up, but I reminded him the power of keeping his word and commitment to his customers. Also not giving up when things get uncomfortable or hard, even with Aspergers, he could take breaks and I would help him. He screamed "dad you don't understand me, I want to quit". Ran to his mom crying, she came out with him yelling at me that I don't understand my son. Undid my parenting by telling him he is allowed to quit, and walked back in the house with him angry at me for not understanding his need to quit. She bought him the lizard in the end. I was left mowing the neighbors lawns on my free time to keep our word the rest of the summer.

My relationship with my son started to be seriously estranged whenever after the divorce I was asked to pay for his marijuana. My ex said he needed it for his Aspergers. I knew my son's addictive nature so I didn't agree. She went away on a trip and my son didn't want to stay with me since my remarriage so he stayed at his mom's house alone. She gave him money for marijuana (which he bought from black market since he was 17 at time
And underage for medical diagnosis that issues legal). I went to visit and check up on him catching him baking "brownies"
And hot boxing his mom's house. I knew then even though I disagreed my suspicions about addictions were true. Later he called me while his mom was in India begging me for marijuana money. He had spent all the money she gave him for it. I saw  he hotboxed a few days earlier, so I told him no and he knows I disagree with giving money for this since beginning. He then called me crying saying I am a horrible father screaming in rage at me he needs the money. I told him no. His mom called me from India vacation she was on berating me for not helping my son's marijuana needs and not letting her take a vacation to deal with this when I am the responsible adult even though he isn't staying at my house. He had a meltdown and so did she on the phone with me begging me to give him money for his "medical marijuana" need (off the black market). She said she would send me money and she would absolve me from my conscience paying for marijuana and I could hand it to him. I stood my boundaries and said I won't be party to his addiction. He was definitely having withdrawal symptoms with his meltdown. Later she found a friend to send money and give it to him.

When she got home we had a co parent meeting about this. I suggested he needed rehab as he hotboxed the house and was displaying severe withdrawal symptoms of rage about how much he needed the money after he wasted the money and supply provided for him. She called him out and asked him about the hot boxing, which he denied. She then said "how dare you say my son is an addict" in front of him. Then she said "again you don't understand your special needs son." From that point on my son and I had meetings but a very estranged relationship.

Three days ago he wrote me a letter when I encouraged him at 19 years old it's time to get a job and he can do it. I believe in him!!! Told him my child support was ending (I extended until he was 19 voluntarily because he is special needs and had an extra year of high school beyond what the law told me to do at 18). I told him at 19 my child support was ending and he needed to find independence or help his mom. I said he may have challenges as a high functioning special needs kid, but I know he can do it and encouraged him about all his amazing capabilities.

He wrote me back and said basically I was never a dad and never understood him. He is cutting me off and ending our relationship and he doesn't need my encouragement or help.

I am devastated. Wept for like two hours and could not breathe. His younger brother parrots the concerns of his brother and mother that I don't understand my high functioning (you wouldn't know until he has a meltdown, he looks and acts normal) kid. My ex made herself a fiduciary of his past his 18 birthday. I'm in shock, again everyone who knows my son thinks he is completely normal and has amazing capabilities. His autism comes into play in the sensory area or emotional meltdowns involving rage  when under stress (just like his mother).

I feel the evidence of the same things happening with my younger son pulling away from me and asking questions about my relationship with his brother and providing criticism of my not understanding him.  They parrot word for word their mother's words. It's devestating honestly. I lost my parental authority and ability to shape and discipline and teach them a long time ago. They told me to my face I don't have that role in their life and so does their mom. They admire her as a hard working single mom and say since she is the most present one in their life day to day she has that authority.

I so desire relationship with my kids!!!!
Although I told my oldest son I am respecting his no contact boundary, but when he is ready I am waiting and love him greatly!

[Izak80]

Another update leaving me more confused:


My "no contact" son just contacted me asking me for money for his play and he is sorry for contacting me when he knows he is no contact . He told me that his mom lent him her car and he had a date with a Texan girl and sent me a pic of their date ( a picture of her with a joint in her hand). I have to say he picked a beautiful date in nature- he has a romantic side I didn't know.

I responded that she was pretty and he had a great date idea.

I did add I will continue to respect his boundaries, but the door is always open to me as well as a listening ear with no defensiveness.

I also wrote I will get back with him about the money tonight.

Confused as to what is the right thing to do about giving him money. 

[Rebel13]

This is such a difficult situation you are struggling with Izak80. I am not a parent, but from what you write I can see that you care very much for your children and want to teach them determination and resilience so they can create the lives they want.

Unfortunately, as someone who grew up in a disordered, dysfunctional home, I know it can take a long time to sort out the helpful messages I received from the harmful, damaging ones. Of course all of us have probably had the experience of looking back and saying "Wow, Mom/Dad was right about that, but I didn't realize it at the time." For those of us with problematic parents, that process is a lot more complex. Your kids might need this kind of time as adults to realize that you were trying to steer them in good directions (which is what a good parent does) rather than enable, manipulate, or charm them into thinking you're a great parent.

I hope some of the other parents here have more help to offer than that it might be a while before your children are able to reflect from the position of adulthood on their upbringing and create the relationship with you that you hope for. That's not a satisfying thought at all, and I'm so sorry.

[bloomie]

Izak80 - I wanted to invite you to continue with your questions on a couple of the forum boards where you are likely to get more input from others in similar situations.

Two boards that may be a good fit for all you are facing are:

Our Co Parenting board and our Separating and Divorcing board.

Many members don't check in here at the Welcome Mat and sharing new posts with your questions on either of these two boards may be a good option at this point.

In terms of giving your son this money, I find it helpful to ask myself what I usually do. Taking away the confusion and difficulties you are experiencing from him, because he seems pretty confused which is understandable, what would you normally do for your son in regards to this request?

[Izak80]

Thank you, I started to post there.

I gave him 50$ in the end and had him come up with the rest.

Because it was a post graduation party event the entire senior clsss was participating and pulling their money together.

Another issue is he gets 1300$ a month from the government for being Asperger's and spends it on parties and marijuana. And still asks for money beyond that when he lives with his mom and eats her food and has no direction about what to do post graduation.

Today I caught him driving his mom's car and passed him. I asked my daughter, "did Asaph get his drivers license and I don't know about it." She said no, but mom lets him drive her car.

I was in shock... and it's even harder that I have never been given authority to speak to him about these things.

[United We Win]

Wow. Reading this, I am reminded so much of my mother. My father never left my mother, they are still together. And she still exhibits many of the same behaviors you describe.

My mother was absolutely Terrifying to me as a child. I wish that my father had found resources such as this forum when I was a teen. It's so validating to learn about these behaviors, what they really mean, and to know that I'm not alone.

When I realized that my mother Knows what she is doing, that changed everything! She is 100% capable of turning off that bizarre manipulative out-of-control behavior whenever she wants. It's terrorism, plain and simple.

Tamara

[Izak80]

Tamara,

I am so sorry you experienced that. If I may ask, how has healing looked like for you? As
Someone who has experienced this yourself, what has that healing journey looked like? I am asking this both because I am curious about your journey and looking for some hope for my own kids.