Missing them?

[Ann]

I am finally out and bouncing around before deciding whether to rent or buy.
I find myself missing them. Even though I know that is crazy because there was no peace. Maybe I just miss what I thought we could have. Or I miss the familiarity. In spite of the rollercoaster, we still had routines and things in common.
Now I am feeling lonely and nervous, so I guess I'm missing home and having someone there. I have friends but I find getting together overwhelming because many don't know how bad it was.
I also worry about them being all alone. Another feeling that is not justified.
I still have to have some communication while we close on the house. But I am keeping it to a minimum.
This is hard.

[MaxedOut]

Hang in there Ann. It is a lot all at once. It sounds like you have some good thinking around aspects of what is summing up to "missing them" and bouncing around as a situation will make most of us miss routine, and home, etc. it was helpful for me to just allow and acknowledge those types of feelings. They are totally normal.

The trick was not letting my thinky brain start weaving stories, conclusions, and "fixes" for the feelings. It's upheaval, it's grief, it's realizing what you wished for and thought was reality wasn't to be, it's all the good and comfortable stuff that was mixed in with the bad (if it was all bad, most of us never would have ended up so deep).

Oh and it is about wounds. Not just for the mistreatment but because when it is DONE, and we aren't trying to adult so hard and stay steady amidst emotional chaos and not take things personally and not get scared... when we are safe, the little inner child type voice inside may come through. That bit surprised me.

That kiddo just wants to be loved and treated with kindness and doesn't understand why we weren't enough even when all the parts of us tried so damn hard, and much, for so long. The trauma bond just wants a little comfort from that person, that kiddo knows sometimes those feelings can come from there and desperately wants to be seen. I had not thought about or "heard from" that part of me in yearrrrrrrrsssss if not decades, but BAM, a couple weeks into separation and that rose up.

Mindfulness, Buddhist teachings have some good practices for caring for those parts of us and sitting through tough feelings (instead of, say, running back to a toxic situation). A good read is Pema Chodron's When Everything Falls Apart, if so inclined. I'm not Buddhist but stuff like this helped me during the really hard times in the relationship. And having practiced it earlier helped after breakup to sit with the sorts of feelings you mention after (which makes them pass easier).

I ended up disclosing much more about how bad it was to a few people after separating, as I really needed to support. And I knew keeping that to myself had already been emotionally isolating me from those important folks even when I was still in my marriage.

I also thought through other things that felt supportive/enriching from friends (or activities) that weren't about letting it all out. The friend who loves to catch a game, or do stuff outdoors, or is more physically affectionate, or likes to watch a funny movie or just is funny... they are valuable too. That is support and closeness also.

Turns out people may surprise you too - a couple of my friends who have been more of the sports buddies I knew were trustworthy also turned out to be solid emotional/talk friends. And letting people know there was more/a lot doesn't always mean disclosing details. I had a few people where it was more like a heads up that things were hard for a long time and I got to a point where I needed to choose/save myself (or even less specific but enough to clue them in that I left something harmful).

[Ann]

Maxedout, I can't thank you enough for your words. You got the tears flowing this morning which I know is a good thing. What you say about the inner child part is spot on. It's like you say...now that I am not "parenting" I feel a bit lost. I will talk to her and let her know we're ok.
I have read that book by Pema Chodron years ago it is time to read it again. That and "Untethered Soul" by Singer.

Thanks so much for being so kind and understanding!

Ann

[Fourdogs]

Hi Ann,

Hope you are well.
You had a loss of community, loss of familiarity, loss of routine, loss of surroundings. All these things impacted you to feel "lost". As well you had a loss of living arrangement. Good and bad. It was there and predictable.

You will find a new home, new routine and new community. You will feel better and live better.

Good luck on your journey back to you,

[Deby64]

Ann,
Thanks for sharing your experiences. I am 5 months out of my 42 year long marriage to UPDH. I have been no contact for 20 days. I miss him like crazy, but why??? It was toxic and disrespectful. I'm sort of cheating on the NC because our granddaughter lives with me and when she sees him gives me reports on how he's spiraling out of control and attempting to play the victim. Tomorrow I need to meet him at the bank to sign some papers. I'm dreading this. I have no desire to see him, even if I do miss him like crazy. I don't think I've ever shared this part. I am a professional counselor myself, I've been in the field 25 years. Been in my own therapy with different therapist for years. What I've come to realize is some of this issues I worked on really made my situation worse. Most therapist aren't aware of antagonists or narcissists and led me to believe I was to work on codependency. That work did help me not go insane, but it was only the tip of the iceberg. This forum and getting information has saved my life and gave me the courage to walk away. I'm currently getting training under Dr. Ramani to help myself and the patients God has allowed to cross my path. I shared this to say, self knowledge avails nothing without application. This healing journey is the hardest thing I've done in my life. Understanding the trauma bond and what it really means to choose myself is overwhelming. After all I've been through with him I still have this sick hope that he will open his eyes and see his sickness. This is where the radical acceptance comes in. He will not💔 The levels of grief I've experienced over these 5 months is taking the wind out of my sail.
Just felt the need to share and thank you all for supporting me.

[petrushki]

Deby, I read your post a few days ago and have been thinking about you since then. Your post moved me so much! I am divorcing after 20 years and I know how empty this person is but I still I miss him. You are so brave, so brave. And this must hurt so much. Sending you a lot of admiration and a big warm hug. I will be thinking of you.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

I didn't think I would ever stop missing my ex.  Holiday time especially!  Like a piece of me was gone.  Almost 6 years NC (absolutely not one bit of contact) and I don't miss him.  But it did take a while for me. 

I don't  know how far out I was at the time, maybe a few years, and I was heading out on a vacation alone. Did the whole trip alone.  Instead of thinking "Oh, maybe we could've had some fun and I wish he was coming with" I thought "Boy am I glad he's not coming to mess the whole thing up. He would've ruined it like usual."  Then I thought to myself "You really are free now.  Free of the insanity of being with him and free from wishing he was here."  Time does do the healing.