Being sick and dealing with a uNPD

[toe2toe]

Hello everyone,

Only my second post. I was sick a few weeks ago and thought I would share a few insights and questions. I kind of remember this from before (me being sick) and then, in a sense, apologizing for being sick. It didn't shake out like that this time around but I did get the "you don't love me anymore do you" and the "I guess you have changed your mind about me then"? I was very careful how I responded. To the first it was, I was almost unconscious with medicine head and the second was, nothing has changed.

I find it fascinating that once she wears the "loving nurse" role it is so easily shrugged off by her own insecurities. I would think she would want to feel good about taking care of her man while he was sick.

Am I missing something? Please elaborate.

Toe2Toe

[Dufresne]

The bottom line is, an NPD has little to no capacity to care much about things that aren't about them. They can sometimes pantomime normal, healthy adult behavior. I think it's next to impossible for them to sustain for any meaningful length of time. My $0.02

[blunk]

In my case it was my xh who was dx BPD. I had undergone outpatient orthopedic surgery. Upon returning home, he couldn't even be bothered to get me glass of water so that I could take pain medication. His mother offered to drive me to my first follow-up appointment as I would be on crutches. He told her no, that I was fine. He didn't bother to tell me this until I asked what time she would be arriving.

Beyond that, I was still expected to do all of the grocery shopping while he was at work (we lived on the 3rd floor, no elevator) and do all of the laundry (in the basement). When I asked if we could do these things together to make it easier, I was told that I was just lazy and he was working while I was just lounging for 12 weeks.

I was berated for not being appreciative enough for all that he did for me after surgery...which amounted to taping a garbage bag around my cast for my first shower, and letting me hold onto his shoulder for balance. A chair literally could have done what he "helped" me with. I was also told that he knew better than my PT about the exercises I should be doing, and that I was stupid for listening to them over him.

I could go on. It really just boils down to, anything that takes the attention off of them is bad, and if it's your illness or injury that does it, then you are bad by extension.

[MaxedOut]

Ugh Blunk. My ex having ortho surgery with significant recovery was one of the longest and frequent periods of verbal and emotional abuse I went through (while really, really being a model caregiver).

I ended up hospitalized for several days for something serious a few years ago and my ex was quite supportive while I was in the hospital but it took under an hour after discharge to have the pent up frustration come out in a blast, then silent treatment. She could be genuinely caring but sustaining that was not really something that happened.

[1footouttadefog]

How mine reacts to sickness all depends on whether or not he can get supply out of it.   Like when ai got a cancer diagnosis, he was on the phone with everyone he could think of. 

[toe2toe]

Did I read that correctly? Your cancer diagnosis? Oh my golly. That is a bit messed up.

[1footouttadefog]

Yes. He called every relative or acquaintance he had numbers for.  Told them about it then acted all pitiful, about how worried he was etc. 

I had a day surgery and arranged for my daughter to take me to and fro and for our renters to keep him busy for the day. 

We have neighbors the Mr. Or which takes H to lunch or breakfast and he got his nose into things because he thought it was awful my H would not be at the hospital.  I did minimal JADE by telling him that H looses his cool in institutional environments and that he would end up being a burden for my daughter to deal with and that I promise I am doing what is best for H. 

I cut him out of almost all of the doctor visits but did take him to a couple of the radiation visits and to lunch after. 

Having him use those visits to flirt and get attention for female staff would have been unbearable, and even more unbearable if he pestered women in the waiting areas. 

NOPE, I protected those areas where women are vulnerable from my PD.

As it is, my cancer was found early, I had a minimal surgery, the margins of the lump were clean as were the lymphnodes they tested in a lab.  I did the radiation thing and am taking a hormone inhibitor.  My Outlook is 97 percent I won't see it back.