PDs treat Spouses and Pets like Objects

[Abigail.2025]

My uPD-husband had two dogs before he met me, but he treated them more like objects than living beings. Shortly after we started dating, one of his dogs collapsed. He finally took it to the vet—only to learn it had heartworms. It died a horrible, preventable death.

I asked him if he'd given the dogs their monthly heartworm medicine. At first, he admitted he might have missed a dose or two—then, after a pause, [ Massive Red Flag] he turned vicious and denied any responsibility for their deaths.
After his oldest daughter became estranged from him, he started collecting more dogs. He doesn't take care of them. He's the "lord of the estate," and I'm the serf—letting them out in the morning, feeding them in the evening, housing them. He doesn't walk them, doesn't show them affection. To him, they're just objects.

Why don't I do more for them?

Because I have serious health issues.

My doctor advised getting rid of the animals for my health's sake. When I told Mr. uPD-husband, he refused. My doctor also recommended I see a functional doctor for treatment. Again, my uPD-husband objected—said it cost too much. He's from a wealthy family and makes good money.

I know exactly where I rank in his life:
1.   His family of origin
2.   His tennis racket
3.   His computer
4.   The dogs (maybe)
5.   A few other things
6.   Me—the house elf, the serf.

Coming from a FOO of PDs, I married a PD. I want OUT!

But my priority is to get healthy. And I need to cut down on my stress.

I'm living with a man who has no empathy for anyone. I now know why his ex-wife and kids are estranged from him.

Thanks for listening. This helped.

[SeaBreeze]

I'm sorry your partner makes you feel like you rank so low in his life. We deserve and expect our chosen life partners to prioritize us as much as we do them.

I agree that it sounds like he doesn't seem to really like his dogs much. It also sounds like he uses the dogs to control you. We had 2 dogs for several years. Ex-uNPDh just loved them soooo much as long as they were behaving and being cute, but turned very abusive toward them in a heartbeat when they weren't following his script. Just like he was toward me... I definitely knew how the dogs felt! Yet he often accused me of hating the dogs, not paying them any attention, etc. Yet it was me who took the most active, hands on care of them in many ways, and who spent the most time with them everyday. (And the kids who ex expected to clean up the dog poop.) True, I wasn't one to get on the floor and cuddle with the dogs and call them baby names like ex did, but I also never screamed at them, hit them, or literally kicked them out the door like he did either. It was me who protected them and threatened to call authorities on him if he didn't stop abusing them. Our dogs were also truly the "canaries in the coalmine" in our house, and the kids and I learned to watch the dogs' reactions in gauging ex's moods.

But, I was a proverbial canary too, with chronic pain and autoimmune issues exacerbated by stress and abuse from a PD spouse. I hope that you can find solutions for your health issues. The situation you are in has likely caused a vicious circle. For me, using The Tools paired with lots of self-care was very helpful in improving my health as well as finally leaving the marriage. If you can start with a few simple baby steps in addressing your health issues, you may find those steps lead to bigger steps, even leaps forward. The dogs need love, too, but your PD may well be using them as a distraction from your own needs.