My Anger and reaction to His Cycle

[Abigail.2025]

I have so much anger toward my u-PD-husband.

After many years of marriage, I want out—and here's the sad part.

When his ex-wife left, what did he do? He joined a divorce group and got his supply from the newly single women there—women who were hoping, just hoping. Then he met me, and after a whirlwind romance, he married me. I see now he did it to spite his ex-wife.

That woman was angry and resentful—furious in a way I couldn't understand back then. His oldest daughter told me, on her last day here, that I didn't know who her father really was. She cut contact that day and hasn't spoken to him in years. She'd been so full of hatred for him at such a young age that she once wanted a boyfriend to beat him up. When he was critically ill, neither of his kids came to the hospital. Only me—the servant—was there.

Now that the kids are gone and there's no buffer, I see him clearly.

I know I need to do something with my anger, because it's not helping me heal.

The saddest part? I will be heartbroken—just like his ex-wife. She left because of his lack of empathy and neglect. I get it now. If I left, he'd just find another unsuspecting woman and lock her down. He wouldn't care that I left—only about the consequences to him.

If and when I leave this relation-shit, (this is NOT a marriage) I will never marry again. I'm not taking any chances. I thought my husband was the nicest, kindest man I'd ever met. Ha. Now I see the real person.

No, thank you.

[MaxedOut]

Hi Abigail. That sounds like a rough exit from the FOG and that your husband is very good at masking.

It sounds like a thing that really struck you about his ex wife and daughter was the level of anger and hate they have toward your husband. And you now are experiencing high levels of anger and feeling at a loss about what to do with that emotion.

A thing I thought about while still in my marriage was that I didn't want to get to a point where anger was consuming and that I only had that and hate in my heart for her and the relationship.

In part this had to do with her but I also knew being filled with that is not good for ME. And having a huge hunk of my life be something I ended up just feeling anger and hate towards means a much harder road to let go of things, feel good in the present, etc. AND, a thing that drove me crazy about her PD was seeing things in black and white and splitting. I don't like that sort of thinking/feeling and didn't want to wear myself down into that reality.

I did leave while I still had care for her and sadness for her experience. And plennnty of anger to work through, but that is easier when it is not a blinding force. Enough anger and FOG clearing for conviction to be done with that relationship but not so much it harms my relationship with me. That was important not just because that is hard to feel and deal with but also because it meant I failed to protect myself more than I already had as I compromised my well-being over and over.

Anyway, sometimes it takes reaching a level of hate and anger that burns like the sun in order to cut off a relationship and protect one's self. If you have more room than that I would suggest it is gentler on you to free yourself before then.

And don't worry about the future with other relationships. There will be plenty of time to think about that and there is plenty of healing to do with yourself beforehand.

If you haven't listened to Dr. Ramani's podcast you might want to give it a shot. From your description, it sounds similar to a number of interviews she did with people married to PDs (whirlwind romance, seemed like the nicest, didn't get he reaction of others, then control, neglect, etc.).

[Fourdogs]

Hi Abigail,

Been where you are. Develop your social network. Hang with good people. If you can talk to a health professional. In time the pain will diminish.
Focus on making your life yours. I gave 10 years to someone who never cared about me. For 5 of those years learning about her led me to learning about me and why I stayed so long with someone who was unable to care or love. She only knows how to use people.
Be patient with yourself.
Best wishes on your healing journey.

[hhaw]

Abigail, please be so very kind to yourself as you move through, and perhaps out, of this situation.

You're very kind, and think of others first.  The world is better, bc you're in it.

If you can, I invite you to drop all judgement.....just every drop of it.  Replace it with curiosity, as you can.

Acceptance.
Drop expectations.

You deserve to live with clarity....to see what's really there, before processing it into what comes next, IME.

Embrace unconditional self compassion, as you can. 

[MaxedOut]

Loving the responses from FourDogs and hhaw. Building my connections, support, etc. was really important during what would be the last couple years of my marriage (and I remember thinking, it was important and beneficial-actually necessary-whether I stayed or left). And self-compassion and curiosity are so key for healing, deFOGging, clarity, and strength (regardless of relationship path).