Flying monkeys

[walking on broken glass]

And predictably the flying monkeys show up. My cousin messaged me, the one who suddenly started messaging me when my mum situation first arose, looking for gossip. Where I come from it's a sort of big religious day today and she used this as a pretext to get in touch. I sent a very short reply back that invited no further questions and thankfully she hasn't replied yet. I would like to be able to say that her message didn't upset me, that my heart didn't leap out of my chest and that I didn't start shaking. I really want to get to a place where all of this won't touch me anymore

[Liketheducks]

WOBG....you handled it.   Well done for being able to respond without inviting additional interaction.   

I'd love to say that it didn't affect me anymore, but I've had to just acknowledge that it always will for me.   

Good job. 

[TimetoHeal]

WOBG....you handled it.   Well done for being able to respond without inviting additional interaction.   

I'd love to say that it didn't affect me anymore, but I've had to just acknowledge that it always will for me.   

Good job. 

Exactly!  You handled it, girl!  I don't know if we do ever get to a point where it doesn't affect us.  And I'm not sure that would even be desirable?  If we didn't have those little alarms bells going off we wouldn't keep doing the things we have learned we need to do to protect us. 

[Tribe16]

I'd love to say that it didn't affect me anymore, but I've had to just acknowledge that it always will for me. 

LiketheDucks, I feel this. We can't post pictures here, but earlier this morning I texted a meme to my daughter if you can picture it, a very bored, disgruntled looking tabby cat and the caption read: "Me wondering if this healing journey ever ends... or if I just keep upgrading like an iPhone."

 

[Liketheducks]

I like the idea of upgrading....

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Like the ducks, Time to Heal and Tribe 😊

I guess the second round will come on my name day, which is in a few days. I haven't contacted my mum since I replied to her message. Officially this is the longest we haven't spoken to each other. I've been thinking of calling but I really didn't feel like it. Right now it feels pointless. Like, what would I say to her? I enjoy that my Monday evenings, when I used to call her, are now stress free, and that I don't have to mentally prepare before our calls. It's amazing to realize, now that contact has ceased, how much oppressive this sense of guilt and obligation was. I have muted and archived our chat so that it doesn't stare me in the eye. I will still get a notification if she messages (which I dread). It's almost like having a nasty breakup with a boyfriend; you hope this will be it, but you know you haven't heard the end of it yet. Sigh. I guess upgrading it is!

[Cenerentola]

I like the image of upgrading!

I agree, it feels never ending, and that feels exhausting.  Once an old priest told me, wisely I think, "We are all developmental beings." His point was about some minor issue I had raised; but his response was to basically underscore that we are always changing and (hopefully) growing.  Even for people without cptsd or difficult family members.  That perspective helped me feel less bleak.

[TimetoHeal]

WOBG,

I'm proud of you for prioritizing yourself and taking back your Monday evenings.  I used to call my mother every Friday afternoon like clockwork.  It really set my weekend off on the wrong foot, especially when it devolved into nothing but her ranting for a solid hour sometimes.  I think it was Cat of the Canals that gave me the great advice of "mixing it up" some and calling less frequently and at different days and times because, as it was, she expected that call every Friday afternoon at about the same time. It really helped me to break out of that pattern.  I hope this will help you too!  Take as much time for yourself as you need.

BTW, is a name day your birthday?  I think we are across the pond from each other.   

[walking on broken glass]

Cenerentola, I like the concept of growing/upgrading too

Thank you, Time to Heal! It's reassuring to hear other people say it's ok to prioritize yourself

A name day is different from a birthday. It's a specific thing in some cultures and has religious (Christian) origins: you are named after a saint, who is supposed to watch over you, and the day the saint is celebrated is also your name day. People call you to wish you 'Happy name day' and you get presents - a bit like a birthday! There are some major ones and others that are less known (like mine thankfully!). As if birthdays were not enough trouble!

[TimetoHeal]

Cenerentola, I like the concept of growing/upgrading too

Thank you, Time to Heal! It's reassuring to hear other people say it's ok to prioritize yourself

A name day is different from a birthday. It's a specific thing in some cultures and has religious (Christian) origins: you are named after a saint, who is supposed to watch over you, and the day the saint is celebrated is also your name day. People call you to wish you 'Happy name day' and you get presents - a bit like a birthday! There are some major ones and others that are less known (like mine thankfully!). As if birthdays were not enough trouble!

That's a cool concept!  Well Happy Name Day whenever yours is!

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you ☺️

When I was little, I was really disappointed that my name day was not well-known and outside the school term dates, because other school mates would bring sweeties at school on their name day and people would make a fuss over them. Growing up and consciously choosing to be non religious, I wasn't fussed about it. In recent years, I ended up dreading it because of the family contact it entailed. I sort of wish I could make an announcement that my name day is now cancelled, I won't be accepting wishes, thank you. 😂

[walking on broken glass]

My mum messaged me again. 'Where did you disappear, are you ok?'
I am thinking of replying hi mum, I am well, how are you?
I got a knot in my stomach

[moglow]

I'd suggest not asking questions, bland unspecific answer: "I've not 'disappeared,' staying busy with work/life as always. Hope you're feeling better." 

[Rebel13]

I'd suggest not asking questions, bland unspecific answer: "I've not 'disappeared,' staying busy with work/life as always. Hope you're feeling better."

Seconding this one! No need to invite further communication if you'd rather not. I feel you on the stomach knot and I hope you can send it some self-compassion and encouragement to loosen.

[walking on broken glass]

Thank you, Moglow

I think I have to reassess my boundaries and what I am willing to do. On the one hand, I really don't want to talk to her right now; on the other hand, she had a scan (as she informed me in a second message) and I want to know the results. I told her to get in touch with me when she gets the results. I doubt if she will or if she will wait for me to call her and ask. But apart from this, I have no desire to have a conversation with her. I wonder if I should tell her that I am taking a break from communication after I find out about the medical results. Or just not respond to her and hope she won't message again.

[walking on broken glass]

Thanks Rebel! We posted simultaneously

[TimetoHeal]

Thank you, Moglow

I think I have to reassess my boundaries and what I am willing to do. On the one hand, I really don't want to talk to her right now; on the other hand, she had a scan (as she informed me in a second message) and I want to know the results. I told her to get in touch with me when she gets the results. I doubt if she will or if she will wait for me to call her and ask. But apart from this, I have no desire to have a conversation with her. I wonder if I should tell her that I am taking a break from communication after I find out about the medical results. Or just not respond to her and hope she won't message again.

That sounds healthy!  We do need to reassess our boundaries from time to time, especially when we are given new information on which to base them.  You have every right to take a break from communication for a while, either before or after the scan.  What would that look like for you?

[walking on broken glass]

The scan has happened and she is now waiting for the results. I think I will wait to find out about the results and then disappear 🫠

[moglow]

You don't have to explain your decision, probably less said the better. Big conversations about the whys never went well with mine so I finally just became less available. 

I found it was easier on me to simply be myself - be polite and compassionate, be brief then be gone until next time. I don't share much about my life good or bad, so she has little ammunition. I haven't cut her off entirely - I refer to it as miniscule contact. Thing is, I think mines actually uninterested enough that she's okay with it. I know I am. 

[TimetoHeal]

The scan has happened and she is now waiting for the results. I think I will wait to find out about the results and then disappear 🫠

  I completely applaud and support you in your decision!