I’m tired.

[BeebeLovesMochi]

I only recently learned about BPD. I am married to someone who I think is undiagnosed BPD. I thought he just had a temper like my dad did, but once I read more about BPD, especially the book "stop caregiving the BPD" I feel that's what it's. I'm just kind of worn out emotionally. My husband was out of town for a week and I had calm and peace and slept well every night. He has seemed a little on edge lately because he has a pinched nerve and now we may not be able to go on our planned vacation in September. So that is disappointing, but he is already starting to display signs of spiraling. And I'm just not sure I have the patience to say the right thing. I already didn't say the right thing. I mentioned a temper tantrum and I shouldn't have said that.

it's been 11 years And I didn't realize what it was and thought if he got counseling, it would get better which he tried for a short period. But again, I didn't know, whqt it really was. It has the Hallmark's. Maybe he's high functioning or something but other people if they knew about BPD would also see characteristics in him like family and neighbors.

We're supposed to have one of my friends over for dinner, but I think I should cancel because just today seems like one of those days that he's on the edge. I know I need to practice self-care and I have responses for him ready if he starts to really unleash at me. As far as I don't want to be spoken to that way, I will either be in my room or be going on a walk or out of the house for some other reason.

I'm just wondering, how do you manage? I just feel like crying right now because I'm tired. I'm 54 and he's 63.

[xredshoesx]

sending you calm strength @BeebeLovesMochi

I think you are doing the best you can in the situation and I can see that you love your H despite being frustrated with his behaviors-  having some responses ready and going into a separate space in the house or going on a walk are excellent boundaries that you've set for your own peace when he is disrespectful to you.

I know I was in a chosen relationship because of what happened in my family of origin as a kid-  my birth mother is undiagnosed PD and I was raised to be both an extension of her as well as her personal doormat.... which put me in some situations until I got myself some help and relearned how to stand up for myself better and use boundaries to give myself space/ peace (which I actually still use today bc my job is basically a 'chosen relationship')

finding that link between how I was raised and the choices I was making as an adult was the start of my true healing journey-  it may be worth exploring more on your own if you feel comfortable talking about that here we have a section for that too.

be gentle with yourself today <3 it's hard to come to terms with a PD diagnosis, especially if you are working on staying in the relationship.  we're listening when you are ready to share more.

[BeebeLovesMochi]

Thank you so much for your kind response. Several things are indeed weighing on me at this time. One being that I have a history of choosing relationships that have elements of my childhood. A second around the acceptance of having a partner with BPD that can't just "get better with some therapy" like I naively hoped.

I will explore those resources you mention. And again I appreciate your words and to be gentle with myself. 🙏🏼💗

[SeaBreeze]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. The emotional toll these types of relationships bring onto us also take a physical toll, leaving us tired in both body and spirit.

I spent the first half of a 25-year marriage walking on the proverbial eggshells while wishing my ex-uNPDh would just seek counseling, maybe try meds, to balance his moods. I literally wished for a magic pill to fix him and make things better. When I finally settled on him having an incurable PD, there was a period of grief and mourning as I came to accept that he would never "get better" and therefore the marriage wouldn't, either. It was a difficult period to process that grief and also anger, but it was also the start of my healing journey. It led me to this forum. It led me to focus on my own issues instead of his. And, eventually, my exit another 12 years later.

You've likely held alot of your emotions back to appease your spouse while trying to manage his emotions. It's okay to feel whatever the heck you want to feel. It's okay if you don't want to deal with your spouse's emotions, too. This is where I'd gently suggest both the 50/50 rule (you deal with your stuff, he deals with his) and then the 51/49 rule (it's okay to take a little more compromise toward yourself than for him.) Maybe give that approach a try, whatever that looks like for you, regarding the upcoming dinner plans.

However you decide to handle dinner plans, or any future planned events with your spouse, I hope you can find a moment's peace and enjoy that time on your own terms.