Made Crazy

[United We Win]

Hello everyone.

My life is infested with predators-- some overtly evil, some charming, some just clown-ridiculous. The problem is me, apparently, I attract them.

My divorce from a particularly nasty one was finalized two weeks ago. Am I safe? No.

I studied my ex's sickness for two years (to garner the strength to leave). I wasted 20 years trying to fix my ex! And what did I learn? I have a soul, some don't.

So, now, my Mother is after me: "She's divorced! She's Free! Now she's All MINE!"

I literally married the above-mentioned ex in order to repel Mother. Stupid, right?

Here are other things I've done in an attempt to escape or repel Her:

I fled to the other side of the country, learned to dissociate-- chewed the necks out of my pajamas while she screamed, was in therapy for years, got pregnant "on accident," married someone I barely knew (husband #1), earned an advanced degree, turned to drugs, bought giant guard dogs, moved to a remote location far from hospitals and stores, only wear black, have read >30 books, refuse to put handrails on any of my stairs or decks, won't repair my stove (she likes to cook) or finish the guest apartment above my barn, and I have a plan in place in case I need to move to AK pronto.

I feel insane now that I put that in writing. She is coming, and she will consume me, but I'm tired of running.

Thank you!

[United We Win]

I guess I should describe some of my Mother's behavior. I have no interest in naming a "diagnosis." I will leave the "diagnosing" to those wonderful therapists who always seemed to minimize my experience and suggest that I "move on" or "it takes two to tango" or, my personal favorite, "She must have been injured as a child." [vomit]

When I was little, She always bragged that I was "potty-trained by 9 months." That I never cried, was the best baby ever. Stories of Her cramming food in my face, to the point that onlookers were afraid of me choking, abound. She learned how to keep me quiet, for sure.

Mother would go on tirades, screaming and crying for 8-10 hours at a time, several times per week. I would dissociate, completely be zoned out, wake up to Her screaming a question again and again, then get even more angry that I wasn't paying attention. "I sacrificed everything for you kids and this is what I get?" "No one will ever love you like your Mother."

No doors were ever allowed to be closed, no matter what. It was always yes ma'am, thank you ma'am, everything had to end with "i love you." She would stare at me eating my meal: "Why are you eating your rice first, don't you like that casserole I made?  No one loves me!!! Why does everyone hate me? I can't do anything right!" Then it would start.

She tells my brother that she wishes she never had him, that he ruined her life.

She pulled out a handgun and threatened to kill herself one day when my brother was 15 and I was 10. She ran away in the car often and we would have to drive around looking for her. Often threatened suicide. NO drugs or alcohol ever. My brother claims that she was physically abusive around that age, but I cannot recall specifics, which sort of weirds me out.

My father worked incredibly hard. He is my true north. But also codependent-- his father was an alcoholic. My parents are still together, since 1963. My mother got pregnant and never finished high school, gave birth to my brother at age 17. I was adopted as an infant five years later. (Who The HELL would hand over a newborn to this woman!? That's another topic.)

My maternal grandparents saw what was happening and, beginning at age 9, I lived with them every summer and during holidays. They gave me a glimpse of true unconditional love and SAFETY. They saved my life.

Anyway, the financial exploitation has been atrocious. My father worked hard, climbed the ladder in his field and was responsible for many successes in his career. He is the most humble person I've ever me. Super intelligent, compassionate, high integrity. She treats him like CRAP! I have caught my mother with her mask off, berating, screaming, insulting my poor father who has tried to give her everything she ever wanted.

Mother never worked-- well except that one time she was a tour guide at a mansion in Charleston, SC, for 9 months.

Anyway, she inherited her parents house, sold it and burned through the money in no time. Conned my brother into reverse-mortgaging his home. She never made payments and his house was foreclosed. Conned her aunt into changing her will and took $1 million for herself. "Forgot" to give her brother $100k, his portion of their inheritance. She has burned SO many bridges. There are many other instances of her taking money from relatives.

What does she buy? Shoes, granite countertops, new kitchens, food that gets thrown away, houses, new furniture every time she moves. Did I mention that she loves to move? THey have moved over 40 times, always a house, never an apartment as she looks down on apartments.

She completely renovates a home, or builds a new one, complete with Lavish I mean super-lavish landscaping, builds privacy fences and installs hardscaping, fountains, koi ponds, outdoor kitchens... Then about 6 months later, someone will move in down that street that she does not like. All we ever hear then is how much she hates the house and the neighborhood. She starts shopping, finds a new house and it starts all over. But she needs to sell fast, so she loses a lot of money.

She now wants me to sell my home and move into a roach-infested 800 sq foot cabin owned by my brother "you wouldn't have to pay rent!" I should give up my job (8 hr away), so I can live near her. "You can just get a job down here!" Gee thanks. "And you can renovate that cabin, I know you have the skills!"

[bloomie]

United We Win - welcome to Out of the FOG. I am thankful you have found this supportive community.

There is so much layered pain and difficulty in your sharing and I am so sorry for all you have experienced a the hands of a woman who was entrusted with your vulnerable, precious heart.

I feel insane now that I put that in writing. She is coming, and she will consume me, but I'm tired of running.

You have taken courageous steps to stand your ground by reaching out here for support and removing your self geologically from her. Those are good first steps. Being gentle with yourself and building a reliable and supportive network around you may be the most critical thing you can focus on right now.

At least, that is what has been for me in my own healing journey out of the fear, obligation, and guilt from my own mother's behaviors and serious mental health issues and disordered behaviors.

There are good resources at the drop down menus above - the toolbox, the personality disorders trait information, the book recommendations and other online resources gathered here by others who have walked similar paths. Look through those and begin to soak in the support and care.

For me, finding in real life help with a trauma informed therapist, a mentor who believed me and had practical insights to share and to learn to care for my physical and spiritual health began to shift my focus from what I could control, change, cure - which is only me, from what I could not control, change, cure - which is the behaviors and choices of other fully fledged adults.

I hope you are able to join the conversations on the forum boards when you are ready. I have found those conversation over the years to be uniquely powerful and I hope you do, too!

[TimetoHeal]

Hello everyone.

My life is infested with predators-- some overtly evil, some charming, some just clown-ridiculous. The problem is me, apparently, I attract them.

My divorce from a particularly nasty one was finalized two weeks ago. Am I safe? No.

I studied my ex's sickness for two years (to garner the strength to leave). I wasted 20 years trying to fix my ex! And what did I learn? I have a soul, some don't.

So, now, my Mother is after me: "She's divorced! She's Free! Now she's All MINE!"

I literally married the above-mentioned ex in order to repel Mother. Stupid, right?

Here are other things I've done in an attempt to escape or repel Her:

I fled to the other side of the country, learned to dissociate-- chewed the necks out of my pajamas while she screamed, was in therapy for years, got pregnant "on accident," married someone I barely knew (husband #1), earned an advanced degree, turned to drugs, bought giant guard dogs, moved to a remote location far from hospitals and stores, only wear black, have read >30 books, refuse to put handrails on any of my stairs or decks, won't repair my stove (she likes to cook) or finish the guest apartment above my barn, and I have a plan in place in case I need to move to AK pronto.

I feel insane now that I put that in writing. She is coming, and she will consume me, but I'm tired of running.

Thank you!

United,
Your post resonated so strongly with me.  I feel deeply for your pain and what you have gone through in your life.  I could have written most of it myself word for word. Especially the part about marrying to get away from my mother, learning I had "married my mother", and then being right back in my mother's clutches when I divorced. 

I am proud that you have made all these steps to extricate yourself from your mother.  Moving far away is one thing I never did that I wish I had.  It sounds like it doesn't solve all your problems, since you said you still feel like she is "coming for you", though.  I'm sorry you have not found validating therapists.  I had to go through MANY before finding a couple who finally "got it". One moved away last year, and I've just started with another who seems wonderful so far.  I really think the right therapist can make all the difference. 

I'm glad you found this forum and hope you will hang around.  I have to believe it can get better, for all our sakes. 

[TimetoHeal]

United,

I'm sorry, I realize I only read your first post.  Your second post resonates even more.  I thought my mother was the only one who liked to move so frequently!  I remember realizing most of my friends stayed in the same house for decades and even now as adults still have a "family home" to go home to.  We never had that.  It's probably why I hang on to my house now, so my kids will always have a place to come back to.

Anyway, please, please don't think you are crazy.  You have trauma from a very difficult childhood and a mother that has some kind of mental illness.  That is a lot.  The fact that you reached out here and the fact that you have a full time job and have made a life for yourself means that you are a survivor.