When ocpd’s leave for a trip

[Prototypian]

When my spouse (uocpdw) gets ready to leave for a trip it takes hours of huge stress.  Stress on her, stress on the family, stress on me.   It goes and goes with unbelievable impact and need.   It's both her own thjngs and her fear of what we will do while she is gone.   That ranges from me doing laundry or dishes to her own concerns about sunglasses or the route she is taking on the trip.   Example: if she is concerned about road construction one can't simply assume that there will be delays or a driver must go around the slow areas with alternate routes.   She wants everyone to understand and acknowledge that there is construction.   And that it could be the worst thing in the history of the world. 

I get so tired of the length of time it takes her to leave then I get a brief respite until I realize she is coming back then the anxiety shoots through the roof.

[square]

When you are doing difficult but non-traumatic things, such as a stressful work project or lifting heavy at the gym, a break between tasks or sets, or recovery over a weekend or vacation or between workout days, can recharge you and help you face the task again.

When it's a trauma or survival situation, it doesn't work that way. I once read about a boat that sank in the ocean, leaving a number of survivors in the open water overnight praying for rescue. Hours later, a search helicopter overflew the area and spotted the survivors. However, the helicopter was not equipped for immediate rescue (low on fuel, maybe no equipment or personnel) and left the location after radioing the coordinates to authorities.

Equipped helicopters were able to return in some time, maybe a couple hours. But there was a spike in deaths right after the first search helicopter left.

There is a phenomenon called the letdown effect, where people switch from their sympathetic, fight-or-flight mode to their parasympathetic rest mode. Being in fight or flight takes a lot out of a body, and while it offers life saving benefits, there is a cost to staying in that mode over time.

But when a survival situation isn't actually over, it can be deadly to stand diwn from fight or flight. The sunk ship survivors who thought "thank goodness, we've been rescued" and relaxed soon fell into exhaustion and hypothermia and were not able to switch back into fight or flight mode. Standing down spent all their reserves.

The ones that didn't behave like they had been rescued until they were 100% onboard the helicopter were able to weather the continued hours of stress, cold, fear, and physical exertion.

But staying in that mode for hours or a few days is one thing. When the threat never leaves, or leaves only for a couple of days and even then is still in contact over text or voice, and you know they will be back, your system can't really tolerate letting down and then returning to fight or flight.

[Lookin 2 B Free]

JsinJin,  Whenever  I read about the OCPD's behavior it gives me a brief shudder from my own memories of having grown up with it.  When I was a child, they didn't have the kinds of non-addictive anti-anxiety meds they have today which, I believe, can alleviate some of the suffering of an OCPD (though not the disease itself)  It's doubtful I would have had the courage to try to get her to go that route anyway, as I learned to be a consummate enabler as a child, who told her only what she wanted to hear.

As I had my usual momentary reliving what it feels like to be around that upon reading your post, I realized what I think was the most sickening part of it. The through-the-roof anxiety, warnings, and life-or-death level need to control are horribly taxing to be around.  But I think the worst, the most sickening part was the imperative to force those around (mostly me as she was divorced & the sibs escaped to friends'families) to convincingly pretend I agreed with the insanity.  Thought policing, with the demand that I'm in whole hearted agreement, being absolute.  It felt like an invasion of body, mind,& spirit, that there was no part that could have or express a "me" & was so confusing as a child.  There was no sane adult onboard to get a reality check from.  I've spent a lifetime recovering from it and the other abuses.  I often marvel at how you can stand to hang in there & with a compassionate heart, always trying to understand from her perspective.  I'd be tearing my hair out if I had to spend one more day around it.

Square, I love what you bring.  You know your stuff!

[Cascade]

My husband isn't OCPD, but he does this thing when he travels that I don't see as normal. When he finds out he's leaving on a work related trip, he doesn't tell me until a day or two before he leaves, and he often won't tell me when he's coming back home. I think he wants to keep me guessing so I am always thinking about him, wondering when he'll come back.

[Prototypian]

I'm never surprised by the times and dates.  Just the length of departure and arrival back home!