I was finally included in the text chain

[Hopeful Spine]

Yes, I was finally included.  My husband's (toxic) FOO is large.  There is one big family text chain.  Usually used for party planning purposes.  There are other text chains that in-laws are not included on.  I could go on forever describing all the various text chains within this family.  The end story is that in-laws have to rely on their spouses to relay certain info and it's frustrating and isolating.

But today, the main text chain included information about about a family friend whose mother passed away.  The discussion was how to honor the deceased person with a gift or memorial.  For once, I was included.

So the conversation starts out with husband's brother "Ken" suggesting an inappropriate gift.  An engraved shovel because the deceased person (DP) owned a fill dirt company. 

My mother in law agreed that DP used a shovel often.  Great gift. 

But all I could think was . . . a shovel for a burial gift?  Thoughtless and offensive in my opinion.  I truly thought Ken's suggestion was real. AND because he had also said, "new shovel, engraved with her name" that maybe there was an important significant to a previous shovel.  Like, I really had no idea if I was missing something.  Maybe the shovel WAS appropriate with whatever backstory I didn't know about.

So I spoke up and asked, "Is a shovel "okay" for a burial gift?  I don't know the connection with the shovel."

Someone else "emphasized" my comment.  Which I felt was them agreeing with me.
 
MIL quickly switched gears and replied "humm, maybe not."  (she does this often)

Another sibling said, "Yeah, that might be considered odd."

And the text chain went in different directions on more suitable gifts.  I was relieved.  I'm never included on these things.  My husband is usually a person who annoys his family by offering alternative suggestions.  I really didn't want to be "that person".

Then later in the text chain Ken made a crack at me.  And it was rude.  "Yeah, that seemed obvious when you couldn't connect dirt and gravel to a shovel."  I know that without context anyone reading this won't understand how rude this was.  But it was rude.  It almost felt like Ken thought he was replying privately in another text chain - not in the main text where I was a member.

So I was mortified.  Ken's original suggestion was a joke.  A bad joke.  Ken wasn't really suggesting an engraved shovel.  I now feel like an idiot. 

I'm staring at this text and I can feel my chest thumping.  Did he really call me out in this text chain?  Did he really shame me and pass judgement?  Then another ding.  And I look at the phone and see that MY MOTHER IN LAW applied the laughing emoji to his comment.  She's laughing at what he said about me.

I get another 6 notifications and see that everyone is posting pics of appropriate gifts that they think will be nice.  The moment has passed.  I've been called out, laughed at and they've all moved on.

My husband get's treated this way and he becomes very defensive and over explains himself within the text.  It usually ends up with everyone disregarding him and then he looks like he's difficult, immature, and wrong.  So I just replied to his comment "My bad, I didn't realize it was a joke." 

And nothing more was said.  Just lots more pics of gifts and suggestions.

I might be over-reacting.  This family will say that I'm over-reacting.  But they are so toxic and wrong.  Deep down I KNOW that I'm really not over-reacting.

So my main problem - What to do next?  My husband knows his family is toxic but he always sticks up for them.  He will say something like, "Ken's just joking.  He never said you were stupid.  Anyway, he's a jerk like that - it's not personal."  Regarding his mother, I suspect he will say, "Mom just goes with the flow.  She doesn't mean anything."

But I see it another way. 

I wasn't being stupid.  The gift he suggested was related to DP's life work.  It wasn't a bad suggestion and I thought maybe he didn't realize that a shovel for a funeral gift might land badly.

Ken made a joke in poor taste.  Maybe he didn't realize.  Maybe he did and just thought it was harmless.  What a jerk.

I didn't expect anyone to use a joke to start off this text chain.  I really thought we were honoring a close family friend.  Maybe I was simple-minded to think he honestly wanted to do this . . . but it really seemed like others were taking him seriously too.

Maybe he called me out later in the text because he was embarrassed?  But I certainly didn't shame him or earn his negative comment.

I can give him grace for his comment but to see that MIL laughed and agreed with him - it's too much.  This is a perfect example of how she plays the popularity game and covertly gives people permission to be jerks.

I know that after I dump these feelings here I will see that this text exchange speaks more about them - than me.  But for right now I'm embarrassed and feel stupid.

My husband has an incredible workload right now and I don't feel that this is big enough for me to disrupt his work.  That's partly why I'm here.  To unload.

But I'm also partly here because I don't believe my husband will support me.  I know this is pretty low stakes, but still.  I DON'T want him to say a word to Ken or make a fuss in the text chain.  It's enough for me to experience Ken and to tuck that info away in my mind.  But if he defends Ken in any way I will be so disappointed.

I feel pretty confident that he WILL defend his mother.  I'm actually more upset with her than Ken.  I made a screen shot of the comment with her emoji and almost sent her a text asking her why she supported that rude comment against me. 

I won't do this without my husband support.  And even though I previously said that this is low stakes - It's upsetting enough that I will be discussing it with him this evening.  And I WILL call him out if he defends his family in any way.

I know now that I will never win in this family.  Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I was around them for a party.  It was "happy family time" and I did start to think - "mmmmm, maybe it's different?  Maybe I'm healthier now?  Maybe they are healthier now?  Maybe I CAN have a relationship and enjoy these people."

No.  No I can't.

[walking on broken glass]

Hi Hopeful Spine,

I understand your frustration. Ken could have just written 'I was joking', without being rude and making it sound like you were the stupid one for not getting it. But he chose to phrase it in this way and sound aggressive. I don't think there is any point in trying to call it out. People who would understand would not make such jokes or find them funny in the first place.

It's very disappointing that your husband is in the FOG about this and will not support you. I was wondering why you wanted to be included in the family chain. I realise how it may seem like a mark of respect, that you are part of the family, but do you really want to be part of that family? Wouldn't it be simpler and better for your mental health to stay out of it?

[Hopeful Spine]

It's very disappointing that your husband is in the FOG about this and will not support you.

I'm happy to report that my husband was supportive (although a bit dismissive) when I spoke to him last night.  I chalked that up to work stress and another issue that popped up for him yesterday.  Plus I do recognize that this wasn't a HUGE issue or anything.  He shared some of his own irritations with his family and that felt . . . good?  In a weird way.  I don't like that he's sad but it makes me feel less confused when he and I are on the same page in this way.

I was wondering why you wanted to be included in the family chain.

Respect is/was part of it.  Being excluded from many of their text chains feels like I don't matter.  And I shouldn't care but sometimes I sort of do.  On a practical note, the ease of just knowing what is going on, instead of relying on my husband to remember to tell me.  Years ago, when I was still in the FOG I enjoyed the (what I thought was) camaraderie.  They are a tight group with lots of inside jokes.  Not being included feels isolating.  Yesterday was a great reminder that being included is NOT a treat.

I realise how it may seem like a mark of respect, that you are part of the family, but do you really want to be part of that family?

No.  I don't.  But I used to.  When I was a people pleaser I really enjoyed being part of this big, boisterous family.  Everyone who meets them just LOVES them.  At one time I really loved that I was part of that because it felt like people loved me too.  I had to work hard to keep up but I did.  And I certainly became a "pick me" sort of gal in the process.  All my sister-in-laws (one by one) checked out of the nonsense but I hung on.  I felt pride that I was still part of it all and "valued".  But I wasn't.  I never was.  When I finally STOPPED - no one cared - it was heartbreaking to me.

It's taken me several years but I truly have gotten to a great place where I can grey rock at a party. I no longer watch my husbands family with jealousy and longing.  I see them for how they are and accept that casual friends, co-workers, people in town, complete strangers WILL view them in a very positive light - and that is okay.  Yesterday was a moment of weakness for me.  A reminder that they value people - I'm just not one of them.

Wouldn't it be simpler and better for your mental health to stay out of it?

Yes.  It is so much better to create that distance.  My silly meltdown yesterday completely illustrated that these are not safe people for me.  The next time I will share my thoughts with my husband and let him decide if his family should buy an inappropriate gift or not.  I will definitely be staying out of it.

Thanks for all your kind words and for taking the time to comment.  I stopped using the forums because posting was a crutch for me.  All I did was dump my irritations out - ALL THE TIME.  For me it wasn't a healthy way to continue.  But yesterday I was so frustrated. I didn't want to whine about this to friends, especially the ones who are dealing with real problems.  It was a huge relief to be able to post here and know that someone, who would understand, would read the words and maybe offer some support.  Thank you for being that person!

[walking on broken glass]

It is so much better to create that distance.  My silly meltdown yesterday completely illustrated that these are not safe people for me.  The next time I will share my thoughts with my husband and let him decide if his family should buy an inappropriate gift or not.  I will definitely be staying out of it.

I fully agree with that!

I am glad your husband saw your perspective and was not dismissive. It doesn't matter that it was a silly thing - it's still validating and reassuring to have that support.

I can see how a big, loud family might seem attractive and affirming. It's sad when you realize that their acceptance is conditional and requires your full devotion and loyalty. Then it becomes a cult! It's great that you saw this for what it was and opted out. Definitely the healthy choice.

I don't think you should feel bad for airing your frustrations here! I certainly use the forum to do that a lot, as people here understand the complexities of the situation.

[Adria]

Hi Hopeful Spine,

You sound a lot like me. I was always hoping and thinking maybe next time. Maybe this phone call will be nice, or maybe they will actually answer my text this time because all of us are older now and things might be different. NOT!!!  It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking we want to be included only to realize that we are better off not being included.  I'm glad you sorted it out.  It's kind of one of those "Be careful what you wish for" things. Maybe find peace in knowing you are on the outside and that is a really great place to be. Hugs, Adria