Struggling with my relationship with my mother

[CrisDi]

Hello everyone,
I'm new here and wanted to briefly introduce myself. I'm a 38y daughter of a mother who I believe shows strong narcissistic and emotionally abusive traits. For most of my life, I tried to keep the peace by swallowing conflicts and taking the blame, just to maintain harmony.

10 weeks ago, things escalated after a situation where my mother, together with one of my brothers, shouted at me and my husband in front of my young son. It was such a painful and humiliating experience that we decided to leave immediately. Since then, there has been complete silence from her side.

Recently, she finally reached out but instead of acknowledging what happened, she rewrote the story completely, making herself the victim and denying the reality of her behavior. When I calmly pointed out my perspective, she replied that she didn't want to continue writing because "everything has been said."

I feel shocked, hurt, and lost. At the moment I'm struggling with very heavy emotions. I feel broken and drained, and I sometimes doubt my own worth because of how she treats me.

I joined this forum because I want to learn from others who have gone through similar things: how to set boundaries, how to protect myself emotionally, and how to stop internalizing the blame.

Thank you for letting me share my story.

[CrisDi]

To explain the whole situation in more detail: The relationship with my mother has been strained for years. She can be very emotional, reactive, and often used silence as punishment if I ever spoke up or expressed a need. There was always an undercurrent of blame, guilt-tripping and me walking on eggshells to keep the peace. That said, she also had warm and caring sides. I used to believe she was a wonderful mother, especially in my younger years.

But since my son was born, she's pulled away more and more. After one relatively mild comment I made recently she suddenly cut off all contact and it feels permanent this time.

I'm devastated. Not just for myself, but especially for my son. He asks about his grandmother. He doesn't understand why she's not around and it breaks my heart.

Now I'm torn. Part of me wants to write her a message just to say that contact with my son is always open, even if I personally need boundaries. Another part of me feels I would betray myself by reaching out again and opening the door to more pain. I also worry that if I don't say anything, my son loses this entire part of his family. But how can I protect him from future emotional damage if this toxic pattern repeats?

My husband supports me, but he's also unsure what the best path forward is. My biological father (divorced from my mother) says I should "be patient" but the silence is eating me alive. I have a first therapy appointment scheduled, but I feel like I'm drowning emotionally.

[Rebel13]

Hi CrisDi, I'm so sorry. This is all so distressing, but also, for me, so familiar. I noted especially in the first line of your mother's message the words "my grandson." Kind of classic. A human child, described only in terms of his relationship to her. Not by his name, which might acknowledge him as an individual, a separate person, rather than an object and her possession, or even by his relationship to you and your husband, his parents. It might be a tiny detail but to me it's very telling.

I'm sure you've experienced this kind of treatment from her yourself, for your whole life, if your experience is anything like mine. I encourage you to poke around on the boards and the larger site. There are many helpful resources in the Toolbox, both for understanding the behaviors you've witnessed, and for helping you figure out strategies to accomplish your stated goals of protecting yourself (and your husband and son), figuring out your boundaries, expectations and consequences, and no longer taking the blame for behavior you didn't cause, can't cure, and can't control.

Welcome, and wishing you the best.

[TimetoHeal]

Wow.

First I want to welcome you to the forum, CrisDi.  I am so glad you found your way here.  I think you will find the support and information that you are longing for here.  I have always found it to be such a supportive safe space. 

Your mother's text really takes the cake, doesn't it?  I think we all here can relate and say to ourselves, "Yep.  Sounds familiar".  Notice that is all about her and what a victim she is in the situation. 

Take all the time and space you need to compose yourself and decide what, if anything, you want to reply with. I got that good advice here on the forums many times.  Don't act in haste out of a compulsion to "make everything okay" or "smooth it over".  I think you have done that long enough, am I right?  I'm so glad you are starting therapy tomorrow!  I hope the therapist is a good fit, and can help you through all of this.  You are doing the right thing by seeking support for yourself and seeking to break the cycle in your family for your precious son. 

I don't want to bombard you with advice or anything right off the bat, but something you said stood out to me:

"Now I'm torn. Part of me wants to write her a message just to say that contact with my son is always open, even if I personally need boundaries. Another part of me feels I would betray myself by reaching out again and opening the door to more pain. I also worry that if I don't say anything, my son loses this entire part of his family. But how can I protect him from future emotional damage if this toxic pattern repeats?"

I would be very wary of offering your son up for contact with his grandmother without any limits or guidelines, especially without you present.  Forgive me if I am misreading what you said here.  And I think you understand the potential consequences of that by the last part of this paragraph.  You really can't protect him from the emotional damage until you learn to protect yourself from the emotional damage! 

Anyway, you've got enough to think about, and you are on the right path.  Feel free to keep sharing here!

[CrisDi]

Thank you so much for your kind welcome and your words. At the moment, with one brief interruption, I haven't had any contact for 10 weeks. Right now it looks like it will stay that way, because my mother refuses to take even the slightest bit of responsibility for the last escalation. Instead, she's making strange demands that don't fit the situation at all. I honestly have no idea how I could approach her anymore. She doesn't even meet the most basic condition: "Contact only if we can talk about the last escalation with mutual respect." So where am I supposed to even start in order to at least create some kind of contact for my son?

[Rebel13]

I so hear you in your confusion CrisDi! Sometimes this kind of behavior is just straight-up mind-boggling. I have asked myself so many times, about my mother, "Who acts like that?!?!?!?" Indeed.

I think TimetoHeal's thoughts on the situation with your son deserve some reflection. In my opinion, we get a lot of pressure to be in touch with family, and especially to facilitate children's relationships with grandparents. But -- you get to decide whether a relationship with your mother would truly be in your son's best interest. I personally disagree with society's unquestioning insistence on the value of extended family relationships. I don't have any children, but I watched how both of my parents treated my brother's children when they were small, and while it might have been better than my experience -- because I think my brother and sister-in-law were better parents than my parents were, and their kids got to go home with them -- I don't think my parents' treatment was of any benefit to the kids. Similarly, my relationships with at least two and perhaps three of my grandparents were not beneficial to me. Indifference was the best of what I got from the two worst ones.

So, take your time. You don't have to figure it all out now. You can assess the situation as events unfold, and decide over time, with your husband, what is best for your son, and how best to handle things so that you don't have to have contact with your mom that you don't want, even if you decide you want to facilitate her relationship with your son. For example, maybe your husband can take your son out to breakfast with your mom, or meet up with her in a park for an hour at some time in the future. There are lots of options, and it's not an emergency. Give yourself the time and space you need to make the best decision with and for yourself and your immediate beloveds.